more progress

i'm down a couple more pounds from zumba this week. definitely hitting up the saturday morning class tomorrow. yeah it's early, but i'm going to keep going as long as i keep seeing results... kind of keeping in perpetual motion, i guess.

i do have two gripes about the class, despite the awesome weight-loss power it currently has over me:
- there's this spazz-tastic older lady that ALWAYS gets in my line of sight in class. normally people tend to stay in a central location so that everyone can see the instructor... she's all over the place! she's really quite comical, especially when we're doing the little booty-shaking moves. i mean, i guess it's not her fault that she doesn't have great rhythm... and i'm SURE i'm not performing perfect movements in class... but srsly? i wanted to move up to the front of the class during the last class but...
- there's also this lady who loudly popped her gum and chewed it like a cow throughout the workout... one of my BIGGEST pet-peeves... like, enough to strangle someone, honestly. wouldn't that interfere with your oxygen flow or your coordination during the workout? luckily the music is pretty loud, so from the back of the room, i couldn't hear her.

luckily though, neither the spazz or the chomper have been to every class. also luckily, i'm finally picking up on a lot of the moves and combos, having been to a few more classes. i'm still enjoying them immensely and i was literally dripping sweat after my last class. the tuesday instuctor is really cool, playing the ghostbusters' theme song, then thanking us for indulging her. i can't wait to get moving again. :)

CW: 175.4

zumba

i'll say it. i love zumba. i feel so good after dancing for 60 minutes and i think that it's truly helping me finally get back on-track with my weight-loss. i'm so glad i decided to join fitworks. i plan on going to zumba three times a week - either mornings or aftenoons on tuesday and thursday, and either saturday or sunday, schedule permitting...

i'd like to lose 30 lbs by sometime in april... well 27 lbs now that i'm down to 177 lbs. april is the deadline because the girls and i are planning on doing a 'pinup photo shoot' and i'd like to look and feel my best.

let me break down the weight-loss so i can set some goals for myself. i'd like to be about 165 by christmas. it's a good halfway point for the weight i'd like to lose and the time period that i've set for myself. the thing is, the first week of april is 27 weeks away. this means that i still need to lose about a pound each week to be able to achieve my goal. for the past few weeks, i have lost about a pound per week. i'm going to keep doing what i've been doing until i hit a plateau and continue from there.

i've been so pleased by the changes i've seen so far. i feel healthier and i look healthier already. the inward curve of my waist is becoming more defined, things are a bit more lifted and pulled in, i feel more energized and stronger. i'm able to see a sparkle in my eyes that's been absent for far too long (see photo). i'm so excited for what the future will bring.

CW: 177.0

back to the gym

i joined fitworks about two weeks ago, despite the stagnant money situation. the difference between now and the last time i was a gym member (@ urban active) is that i'm paying $20 less/month and the contract is month-to-month. i LOVE the zumba classes and honestly feel that i can tell a difference in my body after taking only a few of the classes. i also LOVE the whirlpool in the spa area... well-kept, good temperature, relaxing atmosphere. it's a nice place to de-stress and will be an amazing way to defrost my chilled body (aka the kristensicle) come winter. :)

i lost about a pound and a half within the first week or so. it may have been just water-weight but i'll take it. my goal is to hit the gym three times a week. it's a start. my body has pretty good muscle-memory from what i can tell. i'm not saying this will be easy, i just know that exercise and eating more moderately are the keys to weight-loss and i'm glad that i'm reinserting the exercise back into my routine.

CW: 178.4

bts

'bts' for most students and teachers means 'back to school.' for me it means 'back to subbing'.... point blank: it sucks. i was really hoping to have the opportunity to teach this year but as of late, the right opportunity has not presented itself. i had one interview this year... but i didn't feel comfortable in the school or in the area of the school... and i think i'd be shooting myself in the foot if i took a job that was anything like my experience last fall. i just couldn't do it. i wasn't able to thrive in that setting. many people probably could but it was not for me, and not meant to be.

one thing is crystal clear to me: i have to get out of my house. it's slowly killing me and hindering my job search capabilities, my confidence, and my well-being. my mom is currently the bane of my existence and i can't take her criticisms as well-meaning anymore... she's not helping and she's not understanding that she's not helping. earlier this morning: "with you alone, i have over $50,000 in school loans to pay... if i would have known that you would be working minimum wage after graduating college, you probably didn't need to go."

you know what? although i'd love to teach, not everyone works within the field of their degree. and something else? i work my ass of for my $7.30 an hour... i know that i'm capable of more and i've been filling out applications. i'm just tired of hearing "no." the constant "no" keeps me from applying for more jobs. i know it's stupid but i can't push hard enough to get past the friction force necessary to get moving again...

update: i had a fight with my mom just now... she'll probably only remember for a few hours... i don't think she got my point, but she's knows i'm just as frustrated as she is.

i want to teach. i want to explore. i want to see the world. and this pond is feeling a little small.

i have no idea what i'm going to do.

still losing it...

... i wish that i was losing weight instead of my head though.

i'm still without a classroom, and therefore without a steady source of income. while it's stressful enough going from having two jobs with 55 hours worked per week to one job with 15 hours worked per week, i got the inevitable, predictable questions from my mom just after i came back from florida, along with this one: "do you have any plans, jobwise?" and then the lecture... "i can't believe i'm paying off [her part of] your school loans and you don't have a teaching job yet. i'm so glad you're doing something with your degree. you should feel glad that i don't charge you rent or haven't kicked you out yet." in all honesty, i'd probably be happier on the street. if this is her idea of a pep talk, it's definitely not helping. she thinks she's helping and she's not. each time i tell her she's not helping, she forgets or just tunes it out.... it's so frustrating.

i KNOW. it's ridiculous that a 25-year-old is unable to support herself. i really thought that i would at least have a good job and be out in the world... have an "adult job" by now. i'm frankly upset with myself quite often because i feel that i sabotage myself due to fear of rejection. and when i do try something, i do hear "no" quite a bit. i grow tired of that word...

i am SO thankful for my friends and coworkers... the people who encourage me and tell me i'm on the right track instead of cutting me down. i DO have a lot to offer. i AM worth something. "i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and gosh-darnit, people like me"... okay, so maybe the stuart smalley quote is taking it too far... ;)

i need positivity. not positivity where it would be unwarranted... just a healthy dose of 'happy.' i would really like to do something with my voice, whether in a band or for a production... i have a great desire to express myself on stage and i'm finally letting that part of myself tentatively step out into the light. i feel that i would be stifling a big part of me if i denied myself this.

i've been screwing around on a karaoke site lately: singsnap.com
here's my page: http://www.singsnap.com/snap/profile/recordings/b5110f0e
it's free, it's fun, and even as a non-paying member, you can record up to 100 songs. i've been doing this for a couple months now and i haven't reached the limit. go take a listen... i'd be interested to hear what you think. :) there's a variety of songs on the singsnap site... and while most of it is your typical karaoke fare, the songs are fun and you may find a bunch of songs you forgot about that you love. i sure did. ;)

CW: 178

so many goodbyes...

something i wrote a few nights ago when i couldn't sleep:

this week has been quite an unfortunate one for hollywood. ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and the 'king of pop' himself, michael jackson passed away. we've definitely lost some legends recently.

the past couple months haven't been fortunate for those around me either. three people at work have lost brothers, others have lost family members, and within my own family, my grandpa passed away on memorial day, about a month ago. i don't think that the realization will hit the family until christmas-time, the time when we'd make the pilgrimage from cincinnati to see the family up north for the holidays.

i'd like to say that i'm okay but i'm not. i thought i was pretty much okay until i drove past barrington health care center (old folks home) in west chester on my way home from joann's one evening shortly after my grandpa passed away. as i drove by, i saw the ambulance at the entrance to the building with lights flashing and people wheeling a stretcher in... and i just lost it while driving.

just now i was listening to death cab for cutie, mad at myself for forgetting how much i enjoy ben gibbard's lyrics -- how poignant and honest they are. the song called "what sarah said" came on my ipod... it's the most beautiful song... but the subject matter is incredibly heart-wrenching. i decided to turn off my light and lay down in bed because i knew that i needed to let some of the energy/grief out...

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"

So who's going to watch you die?..

ugh, bad idea. too soon. i started tearing up within the first couple measures and was full-on hugging-my-knees, sobbing, rocking back-and-forth by the time he sang about the waiting room.

the situation was similar to the song with grandpa. it happens to many people, which is why the song hit me so hard. with grandpa, we sat there in the waiting room staring at the floor. we walked two-by-two to his room and gathered around his bed in the darkened room and said our goodbyes.

i know he's in a better place now. i had a strange feeling when i saw his 90th birthday announcement in january that within the year the next article we would see would be... you know. it was clear to me when we arrived on memorial day, that he wasn't going to make it through the night. i could just feel it. he wasn't himself and he's not in pain anymore. it sounds so cliche but it's true. you can't bear to see someone you love suffer like that.

although the death of grandpa was the first loss of a grandparent i've experienced, all of my grandparents are now gone. my mom's mom passed away when my mom was eleven years old. my mom's dad and dad's mom passed away a few years before i was born. my dad's dad, the only grandparent i ever knew, quit smoking pipes cold-turkey when he knew that my mom was pregnant with me because he wanted to see his grandchildren grow up. at least he got that chance -- making it to 90 is pretty admirable. i'm going to miss him a lot.

rest in peace grandpa norris
1/21/19-5/25/09

financial stress

i completely freaked out after buying my new car. i knew that my old car would start to cost me more than it was probably worth, but my recent history of temporary work left me a little shaken. the thought of having to pay school loans plus a car payment plus credit card bills was enough to take my breath away. so i decided to focus on a remedy for the problem.
i'm not shy about the money stuff, so i'm just going to lay it all out there... my student loans are $250/month, and my car payment is $262/month. there's $500/month of costs up-front that i can (pardon the pun) bank on. i figured out that i'd need to pay about $250/month on two credit cards to be able to get rid of the debt within a year. i just card-hopped to be able to get 0% interest for a year on two cards. funny story: citibank sent me a note saying that i qualified for a balance transfer, ie: "transfer you high-rate balances!" me: "uh... you ARE my high-rate balance... but thanks." i only applied for one new card to be able to shift my balances around, so that's good. it's still $1000/month of bills that i have to pay, which sucks.i figured that i would feel much better once the debt has been paid off and that i really need to take care of this now, rather than later.
what got me into debt? an automatic deduction from the gym ($50/month), paying for both groceries and my retail therapy when i was in college because i was too embarrassed to tell my mom i was broke, paying for a semester of school on a credit card because it couldn't go on a loan and i didn't have the available cash ($1200)... even when i WAS paying double the minimum balance on my cards (and even though i hadn't charged anything recently, save for the gym membership), i wasn't getting anywhere and they were making way too much money off of me. this is why the card-hopping seemed the most feasible option, and with the economy the way that it is, i'm not giving the banks/credit card companies a cent more than i have to. i refuse to let them keep me in a perpetual cycle of debt.
i have plans. these plans can be carried out once i get rid of this weight on my shoulders... just something else that makes me feel heavy, if only in a figurative sense. i really think this is a good way to take care of it. it makes me feel better knowing that i'm taking care of it, and even though it sucks for now, it's manageable.
the gym called me on thursday about a $200/year membership. i might take advantage of it, since it would be a third of what i was paying previously. i told them that i was moving to get out of my contract though... can i just call and say, "oh sorry, that didn't work out. sorry about that..."? :)

haven't posted for a bit -- sixty-hour work weeks will do that. :)
i bought a new car, photos to come later. it's super awesome. it's a scion xD and since it is big and grey, its name is rambi, like the rhinocerous from 'donkey kong country.' that's a cool word: rhinocerous, rhinocerous, rhinocerous. wow, i'm tired. :)
while working long days, i've been consuming convenience foods that have left me feeling like i'm not eating so healthy. i'm up a few pounds but i noticed the other day that my shoulders are quite muscular and today i pulled off a hilly bike-ride that i figured would probably be impossible. i need to give myself more credit for these things.
there are so many more things to blog about, but the hour is getting late... and i'm beginning to feel quite inarticulate. said things will have to wait. :)
g'night!

CW: 176.0

très belle

i'm going to do it. i'm going to audition in march for a show. i've made a lot of progress in the past year and i feel confident enough to let myself shine a bit. there is still more work to be done but i feel ready to do something a little crazy... in a good way. :) i know it's a long shot... i'm arizona going into super bowl XLIII at this point... but i need to move on from just doing karaoke. karaoke, while fun, does not offer me the validity of an entertainer that i crave more every day. i think i've got it in me to do this.

the show is disney's beauty and the beast and i want to try out for belle. i know, i know... i've already raised my hopes infinitely higher than they should be, but thinking of the possibility of being in a show (specifically this show) has plastered a smile on my face for the past couple weeks. i've been running the songs through my head recently and have been singing along in the car whenever possible.

when i think about it, i feel that i relate well to belle. i'm a book-nerd who likes to keep an open mind. someone who's well-read and intelligent but who also has a good sense of imagination. someone who stands up for what she believes in and won't settle for a situation she doesn't agree with*. i don't know if the beautiful part is quite there, but hey... i clean up pretty well. ;)

my thoughts are, "what the hell... the worst they can tell you is no." i've heard it enough from people interviewing me for teaching positions, sadly, so why not audition/interview for something where i more or less expect them to say no?

wish me luck. :)


*i love prepositions at the end of sentences, btw... well, actually i don't, i just can't seem to get away from them. :)

dancin' days are here again

jenny, mickey and i all partook in a haircut and color this past weekend -- a gift from mickey for christmas. i got my "new usual": an inverted bob, stacked in the back. i told the girl i wanted a purpley-red color... and i got exactly what i asked for. it's a bit bright, but i'm so in love with it. it definitely needs to be styled every day though, to keep up with the fashion-forward-ness of the color.
here's a picture of the ladies... and of course we're a walking joke: the blonde, the brunette, and the redhead. :)
to be self-deprecating for a moment: i love my girls, but i always look a little heavy next to these two.... and i know i've posted this beforeand you can't really tell with the coat, but at least i look better than in this photo:
the photo was taken about a year-and-a-half ago... and i've lost 15-20 pounds since then.... and kept it off. i think that's pretty good. maybe the photo above is not a good example... the photo below was taken a year after the photo above... no coat = better idea of what i'm talking about. i can totally see the difference, can you? ;)

working at joann's has been putting me on track to lose some more weight. moving all the boxes around and just being on my feet has encouraged my body to burn some of the reserved calories in my body. i weighed myself on sunday and i was 173.4... lighter than i've been in quite a long time. it's not flattering to admit this, but the little crease on my lower back that bothers the crap out of me has all but disappeared. other people have the little crease, right? anyway, my mom and i did a pilates video last night and i can definitely tell that it worked my core. i need to do more of that. :)
so dancing -- the title of the post. after having our hair 'did,' the ladies wanted to go to 'the dance bag,' a dance supply store in west chester. mickey bought some toe shoes, while jenny and i opted for some canvas dance sneakers. i've wanted a pair of these since i was on dance team in high school... they're extremely supportive and would allow me to try and learn double and triple spins... something i've also wanted for forever. :)so we're in the process of trying to find an adult hip-hop class... where the instructors know what they're doing and aren't trying to be cool... :) we found a promising class in mason that's only $10/class, so maybe we'll try it out soon.


CW: 173.4