Sunday, December 11, 2011
Let's take it from the top!
Weighed myself yesterday and really didn't like the number I saw. I'm still above 200... just barely, but just enough. I'm so frustrated that I keep falling into bad habits and it's interesting how much I can sabotage myself knowing how much I'd like to be both healthier and lighter.
From here on out, aside from the two bottles of adult beverages I purchased a couple nights ago, I'm going to have to chill out on the alcohol. If I consume like I have been (when out at karaoke events twice a week), I'm setting myself to gain weight, not even stay at a constant weight. Needless to say, that's not cool. Also not cool is being 'the water girl' for a little bit, though if it'll help me reach my goal it's quite necessary.
So once again, I'm taking it from the top. Everything is settled in Cincy again, so I'm using it as a chance to reevaluate pretty much everything in my life and tidy things up. Incredibly vague, I know... I just feel like good things are on the horizon, but I need to make some positive changes in my life first.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
In Transit
I'm going back to Ohio, and I'm OK with it. It's smarter in the long run if I can't find anything out here. I'm not becoming one of San Francisco's homeless just so I can stay out here! I know it's nothing to joke about, but that's how I get through this stuff -- joking around a bit.
I listed my large pieces of furniture on Craigslist with the note that buyers need to pick the furniture up. It's sad to have to sell all the stuff, once you finally have all the core pieces you've been trying to systematically acquire. At least I know what I like, and where to find it again, if necessary. Gotta look at the positives.
If possible, I'd like to take the opportunity to make my roadtrip back to Ohio another adventure of seeing things (on the way-ish) that I've never seen before. I've been as far away from LA as Cincy is from Chicago for the past five months, and I haven't been down there yet. On my route home, LA is an hour or so away (probably more with traffic though, I know, I know), and I can't NOT go. It's right there. :) I'm also planning on driving through Memphis. Just another place I haven't been, and I love seeing new things.
As I've said before, you don't get an idea of the gravity and the magnitude of a place until you're there. You hear about the Grand Canyon growing up -- it ranges from 4 to 18 miles wide, can be over a mile deep, and is 277 miles long. Indubitably, the photos are amazingly gorgeous. It's not until you stand in that particular spot, and think about the first people who lived in that area as well as all the people that have been there before you, that you feel the history and wonder and awe that is the canyon. For a science geek like me, thinking about the amount of time that has passed since the canyon began forming and all of the rock layers it has eroded through is fascinating.
Getting back to the post title, I'm in transit again. I'm still under the guidance of the phrase 'everything happens for a reason.' I've learned so much... and even when I've learned what not to do, like I tend to do so often, it's helpful for the future.
Where do I go from here? No idea. I'm looking in many different fields for a position. I know that whatever I do, I'm going to do an amazing job, due to all of the skills I've built thus far. The most important part is that I'm learning to be a good salesperson for myself, because I'm finally realizing all the wonderful things I have to offer. I feel like maybe I've kept myself from doing well in the past because I sold myself short. No more. Someone needs to hire me, nay, someone WILL hire me, because I'm awesome. ;)
I listed my large pieces of furniture on Craigslist with the note that buyers need to pick the furniture up. It's sad to have to sell all the stuff, once you finally have all the core pieces you've been trying to systematically acquire. At least I know what I like, and where to find it again, if necessary. Gotta look at the positives.
If possible, I'd like to take the opportunity to make my roadtrip back to Ohio another adventure of seeing things (on the way-ish) that I've never seen before. I've been as far away from LA as Cincy is from Chicago for the past five months, and I haven't been down there yet. On my route home, LA is an hour or so away (probably more with traffic though, I know, I know), and I can't NOT go. It's right there. :) I'm also planning on driving through Memphis. Just another place I haven't been, and I love seeing new things.
As I've said before, you don't get an idea of the gravity and the magnitude of a place until you're there. You hear about the Grand Canyon growing up -- it ranges from 4 to 18 miles wide, can be over a mile deep, and is 277 miles long. Indubitably, the photos are amazingly gorgeous. It's not until you stand in that particular spot, and think about the first people who lived in that area as well as all the people that have been there before you, that you feel the history and wonder and awe that is the canyon. For a science geek like me, thinking about the amount of time that has passed since the canyon began forming and all of the rock layers it has eroded through is fascinating.
Getting back to the post title, I'm in transit again. I'm still under the guidance of the phrase 'everything happens for a reason.' I've learned so much... and even when I've learned what not to do, like I tend to do so often, it's helpful for the future.
Where do I go from here? No idea. I'm looking in many different fields for a position. I know that whatever I do, I'm going to do an amazing job, due to all of the skills I've built thus far. The most important part is that I'm learning to be a good salesperson for myself, because I'm finally realizing all the wonderful things I have to offer. I feel like maybe I've kept myself from doing well in the past because I sold myself short. No more. Someone needs to hire me, nay, someone WILL hire me, because I'm awesome. ;)
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Treading Water
I still feel like I'm treading water in almost every aspect of my life. And don't even get me started on relationships.... Although just having been at my younger sister's wedding (see photo), I will admit that stuff like that is floating around my mind, but I don't want to think about getting into one right now for fear of pulling that person under with me. I need to get my life together first.
Tomorrow is going to be a pinnacle of sorts. I'm going to talk to the customer support manager to see if it would be possible to get a full-time job at the company. I'm kind of afraid of hearing "No," but I'm not sure if staying in SF is feasible even if they say "Yes." Everyone I've interacted with at the company has been impressed with me and I know I could do a good job with a customer support position.
I'm ready for something stable, not so transient -- so tired of living in ambiguity, not knowing what's next. I'm still not sure what situation would be better though: Stay in a wonderful city and build a new life here, or go back to Cincy, and regroup once I've dug myself out of this financial hole I'm in. Inevitably, I would be living a bit spartan for a bit out here, but I don't think it would be impossible. Even with all the awesome people I've met out here, I'm not sure if SF is where I eventually want to be. (See, it's funny: I talk about not wanting to be so transient, but I actually love traveling. I don't think I've seen enough places to know where I want to be yet... if that makes sense.)
Exercise-wise, I'm going to do some Zumba tonight. Gotta start somewhere. Maybe it'll help me clear my head. I'll let you know how it goes. :)
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Doing All I Can Do
I had an interview this morning with a hotel near Union Square. I really liked the ambiance, the staff, the location, etc., and they seemed to like me too, so maybe I'll hear back from them soon. The girl I interviewed with today said she'd like me to meet with the GM either tomorrow or when I return from my sister's wedding (!) Monday afternoon. Although the shifts are variable, it's a guaranteed forty hours a week. I've got some other things in the pipeline too, so I'm just hoping something will come through.
If this happens to not come to fruition, I just have to face the fact that this wasn't meant to be. I have been trying much harder recently, and at least I know that I've done all I could if I have to throw in the towel now. It's not what I want though. Starting back in Cincy would be like starting back at Square One.
I've been so down-and-out recently. I hate that I've become an even greater liability to those close to me. I know what I need to do, but sometimes, I'll just be sitting there and I won't know what to do with myself. I become frozen/numb at a certain point due to stress. I also succumb to what I call "the ostrich effect," where I hide my head in the sand and pretend issues aren't there... it's never intentional, but by the time I realize I'm doing it, some degree of damage has already been done. I have trouble opening up to people... and I know it's funny for me to state that on my pretty-much-public blog, but it's true. I'm okay till someone asks me if I'm okay... and then I crumble. And it's kind of silly but... I miss Alfie so much it hurts. It's like being without my kid... and I know he's having fun playing with/terrorizing Skye at my parents' house, but for selfish reasons, the past couple months would have been a good time to have a cuddle bug beside me....
Needless to say, even though I recently recommitted to get healthy, the weight stuff is going to have to wait. I have other things to worry about... like not moving all my crap back across the country. I'm going to keep doing everything I feasibly can to stay out here.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Failing Miserably
I might have to move back to Cincinnati. For lack of better terms, I dilly-dallied around for a bit too long and it's costing me in more ways than one. I wanted to pursue teaching when I got out here, not knowing that June was a little too late to start looking. I wanted to pursue music a bit too, so I focused some energy on that. I didn't spend time thinking about jobs like Starbucks, because I knew they wouldn't get me anywhere near half of the $3000/month rent check I need to split. There seemed to be quite a few good, well-paying opportunities out there, but no one thinks I'm the right one to fill their vacancy. I'm sending out tons of resumes and not getting any calls back. It's the biggest test of my life and I'm failing miserably.
I'm going to try to get something to tide me over for now and get the momentum going. I need something and OfficeTeam sure isn't helping very much....
After recommitting myself to being healthy, I really didn't do too much in the latter half of the week to constitute being healthy. It's difficult though to think about bettering yourself when you're this stressed and are mentally beaten down....
CW: 195.8
I'm going to try to get something to tide me over for now and get the momentum going. I need something and OfficeTeam sure isn't helping very much....
After recommitting myself to being healthy, I really didn't do too much in the latter half of the week to constitute being healthy. It's difficult though to think about bettering yourself when you're this stressed and are mentally beaten down....
CW: 195.8
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Baseline
It's said that a true lady never reveals her weight, along with age. Well, I like to take common ideas of what women 'should be like' and shove it back in their freakin' faces.
To be totally and completely honest and accountable to myself and anyone willing to assist me, it needs to be revealed. So here it is: 196.8 lbs. That wasn't so hard was it? :) To know where I'm going, I need to know where I'm starting. I have a baseline now.
I tried the gym within our complex the past two days, and I will continue to use my three-day trial that will technically last for four days, thanks to the cool account rep. Tried Zumba on Sunday and Pilates yesterday. I wasn't really a big fan of the instructors (totally missing Chrissy from 'Dare to Dance' in Cincy), and the facilities are not quite nice enough, even for the 'low' resident price of $62/month... (I'm not making any money right now. That price is just not feasible.) I did however get a good workout both times, and it hurts when I try to engage my abs today... in a good way. :) Hitting up the spa and sauna in a bit to relax my muscles.
My plan: I have a bunch of DVDs, and now we have some room in our main room for working out. Mickey has free guest privileges at her gym, and even though it's pared down, it's inexpensive. I think I'll be okay w/o a gym membership of my own, I just have to switch it up enough so that I don't fall out of the routine. I think doing something everyday will be good too. If I only do a five-days-a-week thing, I can see myself getting sidetracked and procrastinating past workouts.
CW: 196.8 (showing that I have lost a bit since I hit my heaviest weight a few weeks ago)
To be totally and completely honest and accountable to myself and anyone willing to assist me, it needs to be revealed. So here it is: 196.8 lbs. That wasn't so hard was it? :) To know where I'm going, I need to know where I'm starting. I have a baseline now.
I tried the gym within our complex the past two days, and I will continue to use my three-day trial that will technically last for four days, thanks to the cool account rep. Tried Zumba on Sunday and Pilates yesterday. I wasn't really a big fan of the instructors (totally missing Chrissy from 'Dare to Dance' in Cincy), and the facilities are not quite nice enough, even for the 'low' resident price of $62/month... (I'm not making any money right now. That price is just not feasible.) I did however get a good workout both times, and it hurts when I try to engage my abs today... in a good way. :) Hitting up the spa and sauna in a bit to relax my muscles.
My plan: I have a bunch of DVDs, and now we have some room in our main room for working out. Mickey has free guest privileges at her gym, and even though it's pared down, it's inexpensive. I think I'll be okay w/o a gym membership of my own, I just have to switch it up enough so that I don't fall out of the routine. I think doing something everyday will be good too. If I only do a five-days-a-week thing, I can see myself getting sidetracked and procrastinating past workouts.
CW: 196.8 (showing that I have lost a bit since I hit my heaviest weight a few weeks ago)
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Reassessment
I'm starting on my weight loss journey... again. After taking one step forward, then eventually taking two steps back (again), I weight more than I ever have. I crossed the threshold of 200 lbs, something I promised myself I never wanted to see on the scale. But it happened, so I need to deal with the fallout.
Ultimately, I honestly like the general shape of my body, the fact that I'm curvy. I don't want to lose my curves through weight-loss and I don't intend to lose enough weight to do that. I do need to work out though, and if it's going to be anything to speak about, exercise will need to be on the schedule almost every day. There's just no getting around that. If I'm going to lose weight, I'm not going to be able to get stuff like Popeye's at all, until I get to a certain point where I would only eat it on rare occasions. It's all about regaining control and letting myself know that I need to take the time to cook for myself... and cook good things.
Recently, I've received a lot of attention on the streets, due to the fact that I have pretty pronounced hips, booty, and bust... I decided that I almost look like a caricature of a female, everything is so exaggerated. This is both good and bad... it's fun/funny sometimes, because the guys are incredibly brazen... and in a way it begins to make up for the teasing I experienced when I was younger... but I feel like I get attention from guys who see my womanly form and only think one thing. I don't know though... maybe I'm looking too far into it, but I don't think people see "me" when they look at me. I'm not sure if it's sizeism at play, but I'm looked at differently and it's apparent to me. It's a Catch-22 that doesn't help my confidence.
My stumbling blocks:
Ultimately, I honestly like the general shape of my body, the fact that I'm curvy. I don't want to lose my curves through weight-loss and I don't intend to lose enough weight to do that. I do need to work out though, and if it's going to be anything to speak about, exercise will need to be on the schedule almost every day. There's just no getting around that. If I'm going to lose weight, I'm not going to be able to get stuff like Popeye's at all, until I get to a certain point where I would only eat it on rare occasions. It's all about regaining control and letting myself know that I need to take the time to cook for myself... and cook good things.
Recently, I've received a lot of attention on the streets, due to the fact that I have pretty pronounced hips, booty, and bust... I decided that I almost look like a caricature of a female, everything is so exaggerated. This is both good and bad... it's fun/funny sometimes, because the guys are incredibly brazen... and in a way it begins to make up for the teasing I experienced when I was younger... but I feel like I get attention from guys who see my womanly form and only think one thing. I don't know though... maybe I'm looking too far into it, but I don't think people see "me" when they look at me. I'm not sure if it's sizeism at play, but I'm looked at differently and it's apparent to me. It's a Catch-22 that doesn't help my confidence.
My stumbling blocks:
- Getting so hungry that by the point I need food, I ravenously pursue whatever I'm currently craving... Needless to say, it's not a salad or chicken breast + veggies....
- The frustration of wanting to run or work harder while at the gym, but being hindered by the pain/limited range of motion in my feet/ankles. I found some good machines that don't create so much impact on the joints, and I'm thinking that as I lose weight, my ankles won't complain as much about the running, due to a decrease in the pounds of pressure placed on them. I can hope, at least!
- Moving past the lethargy of inactivity and getting into the momentum and inertia of having a fitness and nutrition plan. It's all about just putting my sneakers on and doing it, but some days it's so difficult.
- Feeling like I'm being watched while working out. I know this is just an example of "spotlight effect" at work, where people probably only pay half as much attention to me as I think they are... and they're probably not looking at me thinking, "God, what a fat a**," but that's what I have to fight in my head.
So now that I know what I'm up against, I can work to change it, right? If you made it to the end of this, you deserve an award ( I neglect to say "a brownie," because well, that's a slippery slope... lol). I need your help though. Any words of encouragement or tactful advice are greatly appreciated, and I thank you in advance. And if you've ever been through this, understand what I'm up against and how this won't be easy.
Here I go. Join me again on my journey? :)
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Unapologetic Narcissism
While I was in Cincy a few weeks ago, the thought "You have nothing to worry about" popped into my head. And it may sound superficial, but I really don't have anything to worry about. Stating that to myself, and restating it when the negative self-talk commences, is helping me feel better about me. Yes, even at what I believe to be my heaviest weight (no scales yet -- not ready for the quantitative assessment), I'm pretty happy about the way I look.
It's a strange thing, this new-found confidence. I'm usually quite shy... and still am to an extent. I guess I'm just carrying myself better. I'm noticing people looking at me quite a bit more, when I used to just fade into the background. "Seriously, am I wearing 'Love Potion #9' or something?" This is what I asked Mickey this past weekend after a few guys began to show interest in me (one kind of obsessively) at the club. "I want you... no, like, I want you." Really? Eww. Anyway...
Things that have contributed to the confidence boost:
It's a strange thing, this new-found confidence. I'm usually quite shy... and still am to an extent. I guess I'm just carrying myself better. I'm noticing people looking at me quite a bit more, when I used to just fade into the background. "Seriously, am I wearing 'Love Potion #9' or something?" This is what I asked Mickey this past weekend after a few guys began to show interest in me (one kind of obsessively) at the club. "I want you... no, like, I want you." Really? Eww. Anyway...
Things that have contributed to the confidence boost:
- A newer, redder hair color, along with trying to grow my hair out. Feeling a little like Ariel.... :)
- Dressing to fit my shape and actually caring what I look like when I go out.
- Working out again. I can tell a difference after only working out twice!
- Flashing a friendly smile and being courteous, which is something I always do, but it's emphasized when the other factors are employed as well.
- Paying attention to improving my voice. I feel like I'm getting stronger inside each time I let go and let the song fly on its own. Realizing my own potential?
Speaking of paying attention to my voice... I'm auditioning for "The Voice" next week. They're coming to San Francisco three days before my birthday and I'm not doing anything else job-wise yet. I've been getting a lot of encouragement lately, in terms of my singing, so I really want to pursue the audition. Even if I get rejected, I have to try. I'm nervous right now just thinking about it, but at least now I have some experience singing on-stage, and not just for karaoke. The idea of singing for Christina Aguilera is just beyond me right now, and she won't be at the initial audition, thank goodness... we just won't think about that yet. Wish me luck / break a leg! :)
Monday, July 25, 2011
Being Green
Kermit was right. It's not easy being green... as in it's not easy try to get experience when you don't already have experience. It's the trouble I'm running into recently. So frustrating. If I had the opportunity to teach for a full school-year as the permanent classroom teacher, things might be easier. If I had If I had training in acting, singing, or musical theatre, I might have a better idea of where I was going. If I....
What's that, you say? A private school is looking for a science teacher? A forming cover band is looking to perform 80s hits, specifically New Wave stuff? Emails/resume/mp3s sent. Done and done.
This has been my life recently. I scour the job boards and Craigslist, nearly give up hope, and then an opportunity presents itself. I'm back to where I started when they do not respond to my emails though....
Something will work out. It typically does. I just really need to start helping with the rent because it is exorbitant here.
What's that, you say? A private school is looking for a science teacher? A forming cover band is looking to perform 80s hits, specifically New Wave stuff? Emails/resume/mp3s sent. Done and done.
This has been my life recently. I scour the job boards and Craigslist, nearly give up hope, and then an opportunity presents itself. I'm back to where I started when they do not respond to my emails though....
Something will work out. It typically does. I just really need to start helping with the rent because it is exorbitant here.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
springtime
from one of my fb statuses this past week: "maybe it's just the renewing spirit of spring, but just the thought of possibly moving is causing me to be more ruthless about what i own."
in the spirit of the renewing energy of spring, i'm deciding to start today on a new eating plan. even without tracking when i stop to get fast food or eat out at restaurants, i know it's too much. i need to save that kind of stuff for special occasions, and stopping at mickey d's because i'm too lazy to fix myself breakfast is definitely NOT a special occasion!
in the spirit of the renewing energy of spring, i'm deciding to start today on a new eating plan. even without tracking when i stop to get fast food or eat out at restaurants, i know it's too much. i need to save that kind of stuff for special occasions, and stopping at mickey d's because i'm too lazy to fix myself breakfast is definitely NOT a special occasion!
i'm just getting back into zumba after being sick. i didn't go as much as i would have liked the past two weeks because it was the end of the trimester at school, and well, life just kind of got in the way. i'm ready to expend some effort to make some time to go again, because i know i need it and i know how good i feel after i work out.
haven't weighed myself in a little while because i've become kind of disenchanted with the scale. the only time i've seen progress recently was just after i had been sick, and the decrease was most likely due to losing muscle mass while i was sitting on my butt trying to recover. *sigh* i don't get it. so i'll try some new tactics... some tactics that i've been aware of but haven't really stuck with yet.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
flu
i feel like i lost this past week due to the flu. i took monday off school because by the time i took a shower and took some multi-symptom cold pills, i wasn't feeling any better. i returned to school on tuesday even though the doctor told me to take another day... i'm still coughing -- a rolling, gross cough that comes from my chest. i hate it and hope it goes away soon, or i'll be contacting the doctor again.
i'm going back to zumba today. scary! after a week off, it's going to be tough to get back into the routine. i just hope i don't have a coughing fit in the middle of the floor. :)
i didn't lose any weight during the time i was sick, but i am losing weight now. i thought ate quite a bit yesterday because i felt insatiable, but i didn't snack late at night, and i drank tea to help my throat instead of other empty calories. hopefully this trend continues.
CW: 191.0
i'm going back to zumba today. scary! after a week off, it's going to be tough to get back into the routine. i just hope i don't have a coughing fit in the middle of the floor. :)
i didn't lose any weight during the time i was sick, but i am losing weight now. i thought ate quite a bit yesterday because i felt insatiable, but i didn't snack late at night, and i drank tea to help my throat instead of other empty calories. hopefully this trend continues.
CW: 191.0
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
déjà vu
i keep losing the same pound over and over. it's déjà vu in the worst way.
i think i'm going to have to work out more if i want to see results.
i think i'm going to have to work out more if i want to see results.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
n/c
it's been about a month since i've signed up at 'dare to dance' and i've been having a great time, especially at zumba. with the exception of last week, i've attended three zumba classes per week. i've also tried the hip-hop class (attending the workshop in feb. with the girls. fun!) and yoga-lates.
after nearly a month though, i have not lost any weight. it's incredibly frustrating. i can see that my body is changing for the better when i look in the mirror, but it's just not happening fast enough / at a reasonable rate. each time i look in the mirror, especially at the dance studio, it's once again painfully obvious how big i am. i just hate it. but you know what? the scale can 'eat it' for not changing. i'm doing something that's good for me as well as my body, and i'm not stopping, even when there is no change.
what i can modify: (1) not drinking so many empty calories. this doesn't just mean strongbows at the bar, but hot chocolate, tea with honey, and coffee, due to the fact that "i like my sugar with coffee and cream." tea with a tiny bit of honey may be the best option to drink when in need of a warm-drink fix. (2) not indulging quite so much when i'm ravenous. this will entail finding foods that are satisfying, along with not grabbing what's easy to prepare and remembering when i purchase fruits and veggies.
i needed to refresh my wardrobe for spring / just because, so i did just that at ny&c today. i had a coupon in the entertainment book that my mom bought me for $60 off a purchase of $125. i didn't expect to find so much stuff on sale / stuff that fit that i liked, and due to the coupon, i made out like a bandit! three cardigans, seven shirts, a skirt, a pair of khakis, some ballet flats, a bracelet, and some earrings for $211 (reg. price: $411. saved as much as i spent -- w00t!). i'll have to take a picture of my favorite shirt i got today -- a cute, asymetrical black tank with a silver detail on one shoulder. everything i bought is professional/grownup-looking too... something i'm concerned with now that i'm teaching is differentiating myself from my students, because some of the stuff i would wear, they also wear.
anyway, that's enough randomness for one night. thanks for listening and tune in again soon -- hopefully i'll have some progress to report!
after nearly a month though, i have not lost any weight. it's incredibly frustrating. i can see that my body is changing for the better when i look in the mirror, but it's just not happening fast enough / at a reasonable rate. each time i look in the mirror, especially at the dance studio, it's once again painfully obvious how big i am. i just hate it. but you know what? the scale can 'eat it' for not changing. i'm doing something that's good for me as well as my body, and i'm not stopping, even when there is no change.
what i can modify: (1) not drinking so many empty calories. this doesn't just mean strongbows at the bar, but hot chocolate, tea with honey, and coffee, due to the fact that "i like my sugar with coffee and cream." tea with a tiny bit of honey may be the best option to drink when in need of a warm-drink fix. (2) not indulging quite so much when i'm ravenous. this will entail finding foods that are satisfying, along with not grabbing what's easy to prepare and remembering when i purchase fruits and veggies.
i needed to refresh my wardrobe for spring / just because, so i did just that at ny&c today. i had a coupon in the entertainment book that my mom bought me for $60 off a purchase of $125. i didn't expect to find so much stuff on sale / stuff that fit that i liked, and due to the coupon, i made out like a bandit! three cardigans, seven shirts, a skirt, a pair of khakis, some ballet flats, a bracelet, and some earrings for $211 (reg. price: $411. saved as much as i spent -- w00t!). i'll have to take a picture of my favorite shirt i got today -- a cute, asymetrical black tank with a silver detail on one shoulder. everything i bought is professional/grownup-looking too... something i'm concerned with now that i'm teaching is differentiating myself from my students, because some of the stuff i would wear, they also wear.
anyway, that's enough randomness for one night. thanks for listening and tune in again soon -- hopefully i'll have some progress to report!
Monday, January 17, 2011
i'm melting!
okay, so the title may be a bit extremist-sounding, but hear me out: when i lose weight, i lose it from the top down, hence the feeling that i feel as if i'm melting... or rather that the weight is melting off of me. it's a little odd, i'll admit it, but it's a perfect description of what's happening though, since i can see some definition in my shoulders again. i'm a bit sore still from working out, but it's still awesome to see positive changes.
it's frustrating that i went through the muscle-building stage this past week, wherein i gained a little weight while my body was figuring out what the frak was happening again... i also went through a day or two when wanted to eat absolutely everything in the house and my hunger could not be satisfied. but i think that phase is ending... at least i hope that phase is ending. i can't handle that kind of hunger again right now! i'm down a few pounds now and am looking better. zumba is going well and i'm hopefully back on the road to being healthy!
today, i spent a bunch of money at kroger, but i got some lean cuisines (butternut squash ravioli is surprisingly delicious! lots of veggies too!), some 'boar's head' ovengold turkey for sandwiches (my fave), and some lowfat yogurt (they have my raspberry wallaby -- yum!). i purchased some stuff for quick breakfasts too, which will prevent me from the one or two times a week that i pick up my breakfast at a drive-thru. i'm definitely going to this kroger from now on --it's open, updated and they have everything organized and grouped logically, unlike the mason-montgomery kroger.
CW: 194.0
it's frustrating that i went through the muscle-building stage this past week, wherein i gained a little weight while my body was figuring out what the frak was happening again... i also went through a day or two when wanted to eat absolutely everything in the house and my hunger could not be satisfied. but i think that phase is ending... at least i hope that phase is ending. i can't handle that kind of hunger again right now! i'm down a few pounds now and am looking better. zumba is going well and i'm hopefully back on the road to being healthy!
today, i spent a bunch of money at kroger, but i got some lean cuisines (butternut squash ravioli is surprisingly delicious! lots of veggies too!), some 'boar's head' ovengold turkey for sandwiches (my fave), and some lowfat yogurt (they have my raspberry wallaby -- yum!). i purchased some stuff for quick breakfasts too, which will prevent me from the one or two times a week that i pick up my breakfast at a drive-thru. i'm definitely going to this kroger from now on --it's open, updated and they have everything organized and grouped logically, unlike the mason-montgomery kroger.
CW: 194.0
Friday, January 7, 2011
moment of truth
i took some photos of myself tonight. it was just your standard set-the-timer-and-see-what-develops (ha! punny!) kind of shoot, and i posed so that there were several perspectives of my body in the shots. these weren't the edited-for-facebook photos, wherein photos are sometimes 'prettified' through picnik or where the best shots are the only ones used online. these were the in-your-face, hard-reality-of-the-situation kind of photos. (sorry... i'm really feeling the hyphens tonight....)
it made me realize one thing: damn, i let myself go. also, when are the layers of clothing are peeled, i really feel like i look 195 lbs. i look okay from... well, let's say the chest and up... things below the waist have kind of ballooned and expanded though, and it's not pretty.
whatever life events were that got me to this place are irrelevant now. as i've said in previous posts, something just needs to be done. i'm not going to post these photos here, because i am truly embarrassed about them... but maybe when i lose the weight, i'll post them as a dramatic before-and-after... :)
i went to zumba twice this week at dare to dance and i have plans to try out the hip-hop class tomorrow at noon. i'm so happy to be dancing again. it's my little release and i feel so good after sweating my butt off. i feel like i can take a deep breath and not have my chest hurt... which is something that happens more often than i'd like, whether it's due to stress or just being heavy. looking at myself in the full-length mirror wasn't pretty this week, but it needed to happen. unfortunately, i proved that wearing all-black is not always as slimming as people would like to think!
progress is being made already though. i feel a bit more awake in general. i want to eat healthy things because i don't want to undo all the good things i'm doing by going to zumba and everything. my shoulder/neck muscles are working hard already and anything that's toning up already is great!
it made me realize one thing: damn, i let myself go. also, when are the layers of clothing are peeled, i really feel like i look 195 lbs. i look okay from... well, let's say the chest and up... things below the waist have kind of ballooned and expanded though, and it's not pretty.
whatever life events were that got me to this place are irrelevant now. as i've said in previous posts, something just needs to be done. i'm not going to post these photos here, because i am truly embarrassed about them... but maybe when i lose the weight, i'll post them as a dramatic before-and-after... :)
i went to zumba twice this week at dare to dance and i have plans to try out the hip-hop class tomorrow at noon. i'm so happy to be dancing again. it's my little release and i feel so good after sweating my butt off. i feel like i can take a deep breath and not have my chest hurt... which is something that happens more often than i'd like, whether it's due to stress or just being heavy. looking at myself in the full-length mirror wasn't pretty this week, but it needed to happen. unfortunately, i proved that wearing all-black is not always as slimming as people would like to think!
progress is being made already though. i feel a bit more awake in general. i want to eat healthy things because i don't want to undo all the good things i'm doing by going to zumba and everything. my shoulder/neck muscles are working hard already and anything that's toning up already is great!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
happy new year!
2010 came and went so fast. i'm not sure if technology is responsible for the rapidity of time passing or what. all i know is that once you start getting older, time feels like it's slipping through the hourglass that much faster. whoa! sorry, reader.... i missed the "[begin melodramatic diatribe]" tag when i started composing this too! i'll end it here then, since the quick passage of time is really the only thing i'm wistful about. [/end melocramatic diatribe]
i broke out of my shell quite a bit in 2010.i think i did a really good job finding and pursuing what makes me happy:
i'm still learning to accept compliments for a job well-done (whether it's through subbing, through theatre, or through live-band karaoke). it's not that i feel undeserving of the compliments (well, maybe it's a little bit of that...), it's that i'm just so thankful and appreciative when a person takes the time to applaud me like that. it's not something i'll ever take for granted.
2011 will be a continuation of themes from 2010. i have some resolutions, i suppose. i dislike calling them resolutions, but that's really what they are.
i broke out of my shell quite a bit in 2010.i think i did a really good job finding and pursuing what makes me happy:
- i auditioned for some shows and played some sweet parts. for not having any formal training for acting or singing, i feel incredibly lucky to have been a part of something that involved such talented people.
- i completed two long-term sub assignments for the middle school. even though i was about to give up on finding anything fruitful in the area this school-year, i apparently did an awesome job and was chosen for a nearly-year-long assignment.
- i discovered live-band karaoke through a friend from high school. tuesday nights are the highlight of my week because i get to live out my rockstar dreams... :) seriously, if you have facebook, check this out (i'm at the end, wailing to "sweet child of mine"): http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=490953374094
i'm still learning to accept compliments for a job well-done (whether it's through subbing, through theatre, or through live-band karaoke). it's not that i feel undeserving of the compliments (well, maybe it's a little bit of that...), it's that i'm just so thankful and appreciative when a person takes the time to applaud me like that. it's not something i'll ever take for granted.
2011 will be a continuation of themes from 2010. i have some resolutions, i suppose. i dislike calling them resolutions, but that's really what they are.
- lose weight. i know. #1 resolution on everyone's list. it's been my #1 resolution more than a few times as well. might as well just keep it on there... i joined a place in blue ash called "dare to dance" and i'd like to start my first class on monday, if possible. i'm in it for the zumba... and the belly dancing, and the hip hop classes... heck, i'll go to any of the fitness classes i'm able to attend. i'm so excited to be dancing again.
- learn how to play my guitar. i've had it forever. i've had a gift certificate for lessons at moeller music for over a year. i just need to start learning. i get so frustrated when i hear a song i want to learn, or see other people play because i know that i should have learned how to play fifteen years ago when i was first interested.
- pay down credit cards. it's totally doable and under control now that i have a position through june of 2011.
- bundled with #3 is for me to quit buying so much stuff. i have an uncanny ability to go to any store and drop $100 like it's nothing. it needs to stop.
aside from the negative-sounding resolutions, i have a good feeling about this year. we'll just see what it brings!
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