last night i saw an interaction (thanks to the loveliness of facebook) between an ex and a mutual friend about how they missed each other. after i vomited in my mouth a little (due to the fact that they both flirted throughout the run of the last show in which we performed while we were together), i realized that i really hadn't missed him in my life. it was a strange revelation, to not miss someone that was a huge part of my life for a good part of this year. this spoke volumes to me and reaffirmed why us parting ways was a good decision, even if it wasn't initially my decision. i mean, it was fun while it lasted and we were compatible on so many levels, but it wouldn't have been fulfilling long-term. there were times that i felt so content, that i was so glad i 'fit' with someone... and i thought at times to myself, hmmm, this would be okay... i could maybe do this, but i know i wouldn't have been happy. the fire and the excitement were not there.
this situation made me realize once again (re-realize?) that i've never had a long-term relationship that's lasted over two years. i've never lived with someone with whom i had a relationship. this in itself doesn't really bother me... it's the fact that the relationships that i've had have only felt transient. i'm the until-something-better-comes-along girl. i'm the best friend whom you could tell anything that you'd never think of in a relationship sense. i'm comfortable like your favorite flannel pj pants you've washed a million times but can't bear to part with just based on principle.
the fact is... i'm not void of intense emotions and desires. i've sheltered myself in the past for protection but i unerringly succumb and am pulled completely under by the force of the riptide. i want the yearning, burning, i-want-to-jump-on-you-right-now feeling.... and i would hope that something that powerful could sustain itself throughout a relationship. (i didn't have this with the last relationship... it's a big reason that i wouldn't be happy in the long-run. also, i know that the physical part of the relationship isn't everything... but for me it's pretty important.) i have experienced this feeling for certain guys... probably starting around junior high... and continuing through the present day... but i'm typically so good at watching from afar that the guys never discover the depth of my affection. i definitely have the unrequited yearning and burning down pat.
i love the anticipation... the feeling of the unknown and unexplored. it's so self-consuming sitting next to someone, waiting for a stray, inadvertent brush of contact with a leg.... an 'oh sorry, excuse me', a blush.... a fizzy explosion through the bloodstream. a light touch... lips tingling, the potential of hands wandering... and it's in moments like this that everything becomes quiet within my head and i hear the quickened pace of my heart pounding away, loudly threatening to announce my secret.
i'm always fearful at that point of pushing myself over the edge... to just take a breath and dive in. in baring oneself, one opens oneself to rejection. perhaps i'm under the assumption that my heart is more fragile than it really is... but there are things that i wouldn't want to repeat more times than i have to...
my hope though is to be able to feel more of the anticipatory-type emotions in the near future... to be able to open myself up and not be afraid of certain situations where fear should not be an issue. i know that i'm already capable of loving without expecting anything in return... but it would be nice to have some reciprocity. :)
Monday, September 20, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
cartwheels
i'm ecstatic to announce that i just secured a teaching position for the rest of the year. i'll be teaching eighth-grade language arts for mason middle school from late-september through june. it's technically a long-term assignment, since the teacher will be returning next school year. my thoughts are that if i do a stellar job, more opportunities will be open to me for next year just due to the extra experience. hopefully some levies pass this fall -- we need to get our schools back on track financially. i'll go out to the polls/promote this stuff myself if i need to!
during the meeting, the principal told me that i had done a great job for them in the past and that she felt confident in my abilities to be able to take on this assignment. she said it a couple times while talking to me one-on-one and also with the teacher who's place i'm to fill... just extremely encouraging. for a girl who's resolve was weakening, the reassurance was an amazing confidence-booster. :)
still, i couldn't believe it when the principal told the teacher to go ahead and show me around the classroom at the end of the meeting. on the phone, the principal had said that we would chat to see if the position would be a good fit. i made sure at that point to tell myself to be realistic -- if it's not a sure-thing, don't get your hopes up. walking out to my car afterward though, my mind was racing. i'm sure that if i was able to do cartwheels, i would have. i'll admit too that for a good five to ten minutes i couldn't stop making that high-pitched excited noise /squeal that i tend to make when i'm happy... :)
this position has been four years in the making (since i graduated fall of 2006) and i'm so happy to finally have a classroom. as you can see if you read my last post, i was nearly done but not quite ready to give up on the dream. i will be a great resource for these kids. i'm finally at that point where i'm confident in my abilities and ready to put in as much effort as it takes. i've seen my life without teaching and it's not a place i want to be.
the opportunity to teach at mason has been and will be great as well... you pretty much couldn't ask for a better situation. it took me quite awhile to recover from my experience at mt. healthy. for awhile, i felt kind of like an abused puppy trying to find a good home... happy to have any attention but still only getting scraps here-and-there in terms of work.... when i subbed this past january and also in june, teaching at the middle school just kind of felt right. it was definitely a place where i fit and where i wanted to be. i now have a place to call home till next june (!) and that makes me happier than anything in the world right now.
during the meeting, the principal told me that i had done a great job for them in the past and that she felt confident in my abilities to be able to take on this assignment. she said it a couple times while talking to me one-on-one and also with the teacher who's place i'm to fill... just extremely encouraging. for a girl who's resolve was weakening, the reassurance was an amazing confidence-booster. :)
still, i couldn't believe it when the principal told the teacher to go ahead and show me around the classroom at the end of the meeting. on the phone, the principal had said that we would chat to see if the position would be a good fit. i made sure at that point to tell myself to be realistic -- if it's not a sure-thing, don't get your hopes up. walking out to my car afterward though, my mind was racing. i'm sure that if i was able to do cartwheels, i would have. i'll admit too that for a good five to ten minutes i couldn't stop making that high-pitched excited noise /squeal that i tend to make when i'm happy... :)
this position has been four years in the making (since i graduated fall of 2006) and i'm so happy to finally have a classroom. as you can see if you read my last post, i was nearly done but not quite ready to give up on the dream. i will be a great resource for these kids. i'm finally at that point where i'm confident in my abilities and ready to put in as much effort as it takes. i've seen my life without teaching and it's not a place i want to be.
the opportunity to teach at mason has been and will be great as well... you pretty much couldn't ask for a better situation. it took me quite awhile to recover from my experience at mt. healthy. for awhile, i felt kind of like an abused puppy trying to find a good home... happy to have any attention but still only getting scraps here-and-there in terms of work.... when i subbed this past january and also in june, teaching at the middle school just kind of felt right. it was definitely a place where i fit and where i wanted to be. i now have a place to call home till next june (!) and that makes me happier than anything in the world right now.
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