my mom and i got into another fight on thursday night when i refused to look at the employment section of the newspaper. she asked why i wasn't going to look and i told her that we had talked about this before -- i was going to sub daily until mason middle school needed me in may, then i would temp over the summer.... well, that was apparently too much for her...
she told me that i was just playing around and that at nearly 27 years-old, i needed to get serious about finding a full-time job. don't i want a house like ali? i apparently need to get a job with benefits regardless of whether it's in my field or makes me happy. a job that could prevent me from getting a teaching job in the fall. she said that if i'm staying around here, i'm not going to find a teaching job around here for a long time and that i should feel lucky to take anything that comes my way, regardless of the field it's in. she said that i'm treating my room as a dorm room and that i don't help to clean the rest of the house. that i'm a liability to anyone that would want to take me in since i'm broke.
you know what? it's true. i will be a liability to my friends until i find some gainful employment. the good thing is that i'm subbing again at mason middle school sometime in may until the end of the school year. i'm hoping to make a good impression on the principal again. the fact that she said she wanted me for this assignment and didn't want me to interview once more bodes well for me.
currently, there's far too much resentment between my mother and i for me to continue living at my house. it's like having a roommate for 26 years... we're just at each other's throats all the time and it's not worth it. i will not sit around to receive lectures on why i'm a loser three or four times a week anymore.... and then be made to feel guilty when she gets lonely and wants me to hang out with her more. are you kidding?!? why would i hang out with her when she makes me feel like sh*t?!
i can put up with a lot. i'm usually incredibly patient... to a fault. i've hit my breaking point though, and i'm not dealing with this anymore. the floodgates are open and there's no turning back.
a ton of my stuff is currently at jenny's from the last time i moved a good majority of my stuff out... but it does take up quite a bit of the room. due to current developments with mickey, an empty room with a full bathroom is being offered to me. i think i'm going to accept it. getting over my guilt about not being able to split the rent evenly will be difficult. the important part is that both jenny and mickey want me to be happy, and that's so encouraging to me. i couldn't ask for better friends.
it wasn't till i was in vegas with my girls that i realized how often i put myself down, how often i tell myself i'm not worth it, how often i needlessly sabotage myself by thinking these things. it's horrible. ie: when we were in vegas, i tried on a dress at 'bettie page', a pinup clothing store we found. the girls almost cried when they saw me try on a specific dress (this one in black&white) because they said i looked so pretty... when i tried on a teal cocktail-dress before i left for vegas, my mom was nearly in tears... but not because i've made so much progress from zumba. it was because i spent money on a dress when i shouldn't have... because "won't it be great when you have some money from working and you can afford nice things?"
i'm making progress, regardless of if my mom sees it. i can't please her if nothing is ever good enough, so i need to stop trying to reach her expectations of me. i have a good feeling about the direction of my life right now. i'm not able to wait until i have the funds to move out. the time is now. i need to break myself of the cycle, break out of the quicksand, and jumpstart my ego and my psyche.
