week one

i didn't follow every guideline i had made to a "t" but i did end up losing two pounds. i wasn't expecting to see much of a change on the scale, due to the fact that i didn't restrict myself as much as i should have, and because i have been ravenous with this cold. you'd think that with a head-cold, i'd lose my appetite... yeah, not so much.

things i did accomplish:

• one and done at live-band last week
• two drinks at two other karaoke events (karaoke crazy last week!)
• worked out twice with mickey
• ate reasonably -- snacked on small amounts of good things when hungry, only one fast-food meal (chipotle)
• only went to starbucks once (friday treat)

i was disappointed that my knee started causing me trouble while walking. i wanted to jog/run (i know, right?), but my body wouldn't let me. compound that with the illness i currently have, and i definitely didn't get myself to the gym enough this past week. i feel so much better after i get my heart rate up. once i can breathe better again at rest, i will hit up the treadmill.

CW: 192.0

heavier things

embarrassing admission: i'm two pounds away from my heaviest weight. although i've posted nearly once a month on this blog, i haven't recorded my weight in over a year (really?!?), so it's clear to me that it wasn't a priority. if it wasn't in the forefront on my mind, it's painfully obvious why i gained the weight back. it doesn't make it less frustrating, but it's understandable.

i knew it was happening, but up until a couple months ago, i still weighed about 183 lbs. then i started treating myself for getting through stressful days. i bruised my kneecap around halloween and it was difficult for me to move around, much less be active and exercise. i would get venti caramel lattes from starbucks in the morning two or three times a week (the calories are stretched out over the entire morning, so it's okay, right? :-p). i would eat when i was ravenous after getting home from school, then still eat dinner at some point in the evening. i would consume too many strongbows at northside, which, while fun, was probably a ton of calories added each week (4 drinks x 239 calories = 956 calories x 3.5 weeks = 1 pound... yeah, not helping).

i'm not going to dwell on the weight gain. it happened and it needs to be remedied. this is what i will do:

• cardio exercise at least three times a week.
• strength training on alternating muscle groups each night.
• if i want fancy coffee in the morning, i will get a tall non-fat drink.
• water with lemon when i go out. if i have one strongbow, it may be a slippery slope.

i'm not going over 200 lbs. approaching that weight was my wake-up call last time at 196 lbs., and it will definitely be a motivator this time as well. if i lost weight once, i can do it again. i know that the key is working out and eating properly (imagine that!).

CW: 194.0 (gotta be honest with myself at this point.)

alfie

this little guy is pretty amazing.

i love having a companion, as well as someone who's happy to see me from the moment i wake up to the moment i turn off the light.

i got him from the hart rescue group in cincinnati. even though i wasn't quite ready for a puppy yet, i had previously told myself that my only reason for not having a dog of my own in my life up until this point was job stability. at that point, i had just started long-term substitute teaching -- an assignment that will go till june. with that experience under my belt, i know it'll be easier to get a job for the next school year. if it's not in cincy, i'll definitely consider moving. 

anyway, back to the topic that i can pick up with one hand: alfie. he's my cuddlebug. he's already pretty well house-trained. he doesn't whine too much when i put him in his crate to leave in the morning. he knows how to fetch. i taught him how to sit. he loves to give kisses with his little ant-eater tongue. he's amazing and i'm so glad i got him. 

the loveliness of facebook

last night i saw an interaction (thanks to the loveliness of facebook) between an ex and a mutual friend about how they missed each other. after i vomited in my mouth a little (due to the fact that they both flirted throughout the run of the last show in which we performed while we were together), i realized that i really hadn't missed him in my life. it was a strange revelation, to not miss someone that was a huge part of my life for a good part of this year. this spoke volumes to me and reaffirmed why us parting ways was a good decision, even if it wasn't initially my decision. i mean, it was fun while it lasted and we were compatible on so many levels, but it wouldn't have been fulfilling long-term. there were times that i felt so content, that i was so glad i 'fit' with someone... and i thought at times to myself, hmmm, this would be okay... i could maybe do this, but i know i wouldn't have been happy. the fire and the excitement were not there.

this situation made me realize once again (re-realize?) that i've never had a long-term relationship that's lasted over two years. i've never lived with someone with whom i had a relationship. this in itself doesn't really bother me... it's the fact that the relationships that i've had have only felt transient. i'm the until-something-better-comes-along girl. i'm the best friend whom you could tell anything that you'd never think of in a relationship sense. i'm comfortable like your favorite flannel pj pants you've washed a million times but can't bear to part with just based on principle.

the fact is... i'm not void of intense emotions and desires. i've sheltered myself in the past for protection but i unerringly succumb and am pulled completely under by the force of the riptide. i want the yearning, burning, i-want-to-jump-on-you-right-now feeling.... and i would hope that something that powerful could sustain itself throughout a relationship. (i didn't have this with the last relationship... it's a big reason that i wouldn't be happy in the long-run. also, i know that the physical part of the relationship isn't everything... but for me it's pretty important.) i have experienced this feeling for certain guys... probably starting around junior high... and continuing through the present day... but i'm typically so good at watching from afar that the guys never discover the depth of my affection. i definitely have the unrequited yearning and burning down pat.

i love the anticipation... the feeling of the unknown and unexplored. it's so self-consuming sitting next to someone, waiting for a stray, inadvertent brush of contact with a leg.... an 'oh sorry, excuse me', a blush.... a fizzy explosion through the bloodstream. a light touch... lips tingling, the potential of hands wandering... and it's in moments like this that everything becomes quiet within my head and i hear the quickened pace of my heart pounding away, loudly threatening to announce my secret.

i'm always fearful at that point of pushing myself over the edge... to just take a breath and dive in. in baring oneself, one opens oneself to rejection. perhaps i'm under the assumption that my heart is more fragile than it really is... but there are things that i wouldn't want to repeat more times than i have to...

my hope though is to be able to feel more of the anticipatory-type emotions in the near future... to be able to open myself up and not be afraid of certain situations where fear should not be an issue. i know that i'm already capable of loving without expecting anything in return... but it would be nice to have some reciprocity. :)

cartwheels

i'm ecstatic to announce that i just secured a teaching position for the rest of the year. i'll be teaching eighth-grade language arts for mason middle school from late-september through june. it's technically a long-term assignment, since the teacher will be returning next school year. my thoughts are that if i do a stellar job, more opportunities will be open to me for next year just due to the extra experience. hopefully some levies pass this fall -- we need to get our schools back on track financially. i'll go out to the polls/promote this stuff myself if i need to!

during the meeting, the principal told me that i had done a great job for them in the past and that she felt confident in my abilities to be able to take on this assignment. she said it a couple times while talking to me one-on-one and also with the teacher who's place i'm to fill... just extremely encouraging. for a girl who's resolve was weakening, the reassurance was an amazing confidence-booster. :)

still, i couldn't believe it when the principal told the teacher to go ahead and show me around the classroom at the end of the meeting. on the phone, the principal had said that we would chat to see if the position would be a good fit. i made sure at that point to tell myself to be realistic -- if it's not a sure-thing, don't get your hopes up. walking out to my car afterward though, my mind was racing. i'm sure that if i was able to do cartwheels, i would have. i'll admit too that for a good five to ten minutes i couldn't stop making that high-pitched excited noise /squeal that i tend to make when i'm happy... :)

this position has been four years in the making (since i graduated fall of 2006) and i'm so happy to finally have a classroom. as you can see if you read my last post, i was nearly done but not quite ready to give up on the dream. i will be a great resource for these kids. i'm finally at that point where i'm confident in my abilities and ready to put in as much effort as it takes. i've seen my life without teaching and it's not a place i want to be.

the opportunity to teach at mason has been and will be great as well... you pretty much couldn't ask for a better situation. it took me quite awhile to recover from my experience at mt. healthy. for awhile, i felt kind of like an abused puppy trying to find a good home... happy to have any attention but still only getting scraps here-and-there in terms of work.... when i subbed this past january and also in june, teaching at the middle school just kind of felt right. it was definitely a place where i fit and where i wanted to be. i now have a place to call home till next june (!) and that makes me happier than anything in the world right now.

losing it again

i'm still searching for teaching jobs... and i'm still not even being contacted for an interview, even when i've submitted my resume. i don't know what it's going to take to be able to get a job. clearly... since i obviously don't have one. i've been told my resume looks great, but i'm still not getting called. i've even been callling district offices, only to hear that the position has already been filled. apparently, i still haven't networked enough or mastered the "who i know" part of the equation... even though the "what i know" part far exceeds what it probably should, in some aspects. no one will get the chance to find out if i'm not given the chance to be employed.

i'm so incredibly stressed out and just done with all of this... but i'm not giving up. i can't see myself going into an industry that didn't involve teaching/education. i love being around the kids and just being in a school environment. it's probably the reason i went to the admin assistant interview last week kind of half-heartedly.

the catch-22 is that i'm out of money. like, totally and completely out of money. i'm okay until my credit cards are due for august but my car payment is what's worrying me the most. i'm signed up with a temp agency but i want something that is just that -- temporary. i can't picture myself in a position like that long term... and i can't lie when they ask me if i'm looking for something long-term.

when thinking about where i'll be five years from now, i see myself with an established classroom. a welcoming environment that's comfortable and conducive to learning. it'll be amazing. i just need to get started. who's going to give me a chance?

a taste of happiness

i'm already done with my substitute teaching assignment. wasn't able to blog much during that time because i was neck-deep in grading papers. it was a wonderful experience and i'm thankful for the chance to be back in the classroom. i'm luckier each time i have an assignment -- the students were amazing and i'm always amazed at the connections i form after only being there a few weeks.

i've been living with mickey during this time and it's also been a great experience. i can breathe again, i'm taking care of myself on more than a basic-needs kind of level, i'm a heck of a lot more happy than i was at home. i still feel like a gypsy or a nomad, but at this point, i'm just accepting that i can't do too much about it, and that focusing too harshly on my past downfalls will only impair and impede my current search.

i still don't know where the day/week/summer will take me. it's a blessing and a curse. i'm 'free' in a way right now, but looming above my head is the fact that i need to find a job. it's always there. i just hope i can clear the raincloud for good, instead of merely scrambling for an umbrella, hoping for the storm to pass.

it's time

my mom and i got into another fight on thursday night when i refused to look at the employment section of the newspaper. she asked why i wasn't going to look and i told her that we had talked about this before -- i was going to sub daily until mason middle school needed me in may, then i would temp over the summer.... well, that was apparently too much for her...

she told me that i was just playing around and that at nearly 27 years-old, i needed to get serious about finding a full-time job. don't i want a house like ali? i apparently need to get a job with benefits regardless of whether it's in my field or makes me happy. a job that could prevent me from getting a teaching job in the fall. she said that if i'm staying around here, i'm not going to find a teaching job around here for a long time and that i should feel lucky to take anything that comes my way, regardless of the field it's in. she said that i'm treating my room as a dorm room and that i don't help to clean the rest of the house. that i'm a liability to anyone that would want to take me in since i'm broke.

you know what? it's true. i will be a liability to my friends until i find some gainful employment. the good thing is that i'm subbing again at mason middle school sometime in may until the end of the school year. i'm hoping to make a good impression on the principal again. the fact that she said she wanted me for this assignment and didn't want me to interview once more bodes well for me.

currently, there's far too much resentment between my mother and i for me to continue living at my house. it's like having a roommate for 26 years... we're just at each other's throats all the time and it's not worth it. i will not sit around to receive lectures on why i'm a loser three or four times a week anymore.... and then be made to feel guilty when she gets lonely and wants me to hang out with her more. are you kidding?!? why would i hang out with her when she makes me feel like sh*t?!

i can put up with a lot. i'm usually incredibly patient... to a fault. i've hit my breaking point though, and i'm not dealing with this anymore. the floodgates are open and there's no turning back.

a ton of my stuff is currently at jenny's from the last time i moved a good majority of my stuff out... but it does take up quite a bit of the room. due to current developments with mickey, an empty room with a full bathroom is being offered to me. i think i'm going to accept it. getting over my guilt about not being able to split the rent evenly will be difficult. the important part is that both jenny and mickey want me to be happy, and that's so encouraging to me. i couldn't ask for better friends.

it wasn't till i was in vegas with my girls that i realized how often i put myself down, how often i tell myself i'm not worth it, how often i needlessly sabotage myself by thinking these things. it's horrible. ie: when we were in vegas, i tried on a dress at 'bettie page', a pinup clothing store we found. the girls almost cried when they saw me try on a specific dress (this one in black&white) because they said i looked so pretty... when i tried on a teal cocktail-dress before i left for vegas, my mom was nearly in tears... but not because i've made so much progress from zumba. it was because i spent money on a dress when i shouldn't have... because "won't it be great when you have some money from working and you can afford nice things?"

i'm making progress, regardless of if my mom sees it. i can't please her if nothing is ever good enough, so i need to stop trying to reach her expectations of me. i have a good feeling about the direction of my life right now. i'm not able to wait until i have the funds to move out. the time is now. i need to break myself of the cycle, break out of the quicksand, and jumpstart my ego and my psyche.

it's almost here!

after rehearsing for the past few months (and dealing with all the snow-day hoopla), 'beauty and the beast' is almost ready. we'll be going through fittings and dress-rehearsals for the next couple days, and we'll actually be able to see the set in the venue where we'll perform. it'll be so great to finally have people see how hard we've been working!

since i've been rehearsing for the play, i've cut back my availability at joann's. i didn't think they'd cut my hours all the way back to 7/week.... so of course my mom jumps at the chance to make me feel bad about not working and how i'm a loser that can't find a full-time job... no, seriously, i'll copy the email if you'd like.

tensions are running high in the house and if i wasn't hopelessly caught in this catch-22, i'd be out of here quicker than you know. it's frustrating... and i'm so tired of being frustrated. i just don't know what i can do that i haven't tried yet.

we haven't talked for the past couple days, probably because we both know that any conversation will devolve to "did you look at the job websites? did you look for non-teaching jobs? you know you're going to have to look for something outside your field if you want to survive, right? how do you expect to support yourself?"

i know my mom's birthday is approaching and she's not happy with living in cincy longer than she intended. she'd be down in alabama with ali and my dad if she felt safe selling the house. i know she wants to see me do well and support myself. i see where she's coming from. cutting me down though is not the way to get me feeling good about myself and confident enough to interview. even if she never says anything, her voice is there in my head telling me that i'm worthless, and it sucks, it really does. i hate it.

here's my point-of-view that she never listens to: (1) now is the time when schools post jobs for next year. i don't want to spend my time searching for jobs outside of the teaching field if i am spending a ton of time looking for teaching jobs. (2) drc is starting and now that i'm up to a decent rate of pay, it doesn't make sense to look for temp-ing jobs where i'll be paid less. drc will go through june and i'm not going to get a job for a month or two (july and august) and potentially leave it for a school job. (3) i'm still in contact with a principal regarding a long-term assignment coming up at the end of april.

and lastly, what if writing about this kind of stuff only gets me more stressed out? thank god i have a getaway coming up...

tv therapy

it's true, the blog title may just be one of the craziest thoughts i've had in awhile. i watched celebrity rehab last week that featured mackenzie phillips putting down her dog, who in his old age had gone blind and had diabetes. it was a hard episode for me to watch, even though it's been a few years since my dog had passed away.

and once i opened the floodgates everything just came out. i lost my shit, i'm not gonna lie. i thought of mocha and how much i miss her, how we didn't even get to make that decision for her because she left on her own.

in general, i thought about how much pain i've felt in relationships when i finally let someone in and something bad happens. i thought about how i hold many people at a distance until i really get to know them, possibly just to cut down on the potential loss i'd feel if they left me somehow. it's incredibly hard to open yourself up again after experiencing such a damaging blow.

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i do have many things in my life to anticipate though:

• the vegas trip is booked
• the show will go into tech week soon enough and show dates are march 17-21
• i may have another long-term sub job soon, and if not, i still have drc till june/july

i'm starting zumba again tomorrow to prepare for vegas. i changed my availability at joann's to allow me time to go work out. just like the show, this is just something i must do. i'm determined to not be so self-conscious about my body this time. i want to look good but i'm realistic about the time period i'm given. i have 50 days to make some progress. where are those 'six-week makeover'/bootcamp fitness articles when i need them?!? :)

on being a 'silly girl'

i've been incredibly busy since my last post... having two jobs and being in a show was definitely a struggle but i've found i can do anything temporarily, regardless of how much it takes out of me physically.

subbing was an amazing experience. i'm so thankful to have had the opportunity, since it had been awhile since I had last taught. i miss the kids already. it was my choice to teach the middle grades, and i love them, regardless of how difficult others may find the age group. it's a tough age but that's where i feel that i fit best. i hope to keep in contact with the principal and perhaps secure another assignment soon.

i've been having a great time working on 'beauty & the beast' for hamilton rotary as well though. i'm so glad i decided to audition. the experience is opening up my eyes to a new group of people and talents that were laying dormant within me that i feel i can no longer suppress.

my friends have been incredibly supportive with my musical and theatrical interests, as always. they enjoy indulging me by going to bars that offer karaoke on the weekends, even though some nights i'm the only one from the group that sings on-stage. as long as there's alcohol, they are SO there. :) they're super-excited to come see 'beauty & the beast', my first show since college.

my mom is giving me hell about driving over to hamilton three or four nights a week for rehearsal, since it's something for which i'm not being paid... but i think it's a necessary release for me to have in my life. plus, there are more expensive hobbies to be involved in (see 'knitting' and 'sewing'... lol).

i was never this invested in theatre before, so she's not really used to this. even though the desire was there, the confidence in my abilities was not. heck, it still may not be quite there, but i'm slowly crawling out from inside my hermit-crab shell. after receiving so much sincere encouragement in recent years, i don't think i need to be afraid anymore.

i remember my first time on-stage -- it's one of my clearest, earliest memories. i was three years old performing in a dance recital. you know, the ballet class where the girls basically just mimic the movements of their teacher, eyes glued to the orchestra pit. i don't know if i did a good job while on-stage, but i do remember the excitement before going out there, the backstage lights, the primping, the waiting-in-the-wings, the anticipation. when i got out there, i was blinded by the stage lights, and i anxiously squinted through them for my parents in the crowd, hoping that by making eye-contact with them, i could confirm that they were really watching me.

i relish the chance to be up on stage, even though it scares me witless sometimes. it's nice to feel an adrenaline rush, a good stress, as opposed to that of the daily grind. it's nice to show people something that i keep hidden most of the time.

as with all things in life, this is an experiment. the results are looking good so far and i'm happy with my progress. i'm so excited about what's to come!

a shift

i made it through the holidays with not too much harm done. and by holidays, i mean the entire period from halloween through new year's eve, since that was when i blogged last. i was in the middle of a life change, a shift if you will, and apparently i couldn't be bothered to write during that time. i find that when i'm loving life, there's not as much time for me to reflect on it, because i'm 'in it,' enjoying it, and prolonging it as much as possible. it's only when i trip, fall, and face-plant on the ground that i want to go back and say, "hey, that didn't go so well, did it?"

after a recent face-plant, i'm finding that i really just have to conquer myself. in the past couple months, i've battled the little voice that tried to tell me that i wouldn't get a part in 'beauty & the beast' (currently a 'silly girl' in a production in hamilton), the same voice that told me that i wouldn't get the long-term sub job (was hired after interviewing for ten minutes), the same voice that told me i was worthless even though i shouldn't feel responsible for other people's problems (a blog post for a different day).

it sucks. i'm really good at talking myself out of things because i don't feel capable or ready. i'm trying to stop the negative self-talk, just by being aware that it's there. it's bad enough already that it's nearly white-noise, constantly in the back of my head. it's only when i stop beating myself up about basically nothing that i will make true progress. i can still be realistic and cynical without tearing myself to pieces.