it's almost here!

after rehearsing for the past few months (and dealing with all the snow-day hoopla), 'beauty and the beast' is almost ready. we'll be going through fittings and dress-rehearsals for the next couple days, and we'll actually be able to see the set in the venue where we'll perform. it'll be so great to finally have people see how hard we've been working!

since i've been rehearsing for the play, i've cut back my availability at joann's. i didn't think they'd cut my hours all the way back to 7/week.... so of course my mom jumps at the chance to make me feel bad about not working and how i'm a loser that can't find a full-time job... no, seriously, i'll copy the email if you'd like.

tensions are running high in the house and if i wasn't hopelessly caught in this catch-22, i'd be out of here quicker than you know. it's frustrating... and i'm so tired of being frustrated. i just don't know what i can do that i haven't tried yet.

we haven't talked for the past couple days, probably because we both know that any conversation will devolve to "did you look at the job websites? did you look for non-teaching jobs? you know you're going to have to look for something outside your field if you want to survive, right? how do you expect to support yourself?"

i know my mom's birthday is approaching and she's not happy with living in cincy longer than she intended. she'd be down in alabama with ali and my dad if she felt safe selling the house. i know she wants to see me do well and support myself. i see where she's coming from. cutting me down though is not the way to get me feeling good about myself and confident enough to interview. even if she never says anything, her voice is there in my head telling me that i'm worthless, and it sucks, it really does. i hate it.

here's my point-of-view that she never listens to: (1) now is the time when schools post jobs for next year. i don't want to spend my time searching for jobs outside of the teaching field if i am spending a ton of time looking for teaching jobs. (2) drc is starting and now that i'm up to a decent rate of pay, it doesn't make sense to look for temp-ing jobs where i'll be paid less. drc will go through june and i'm not going to get a job for a month or two (july and august) and potentially leave it for a school job. (3) i'm still in contact with a principal regarding a long-term assignment coming up at the end of april.

and lastly, what if writing about this kind of stuff only gets me more stressed out? thank god i have a getaway coming up...

tv therapy

it's true, the blog title may just be one of the craziest thoughts i've had in awhile. i watched celebrity rehab last week that featured mackenzie phillips putting down her dog, who in his old age had gone blind and had diabetes. it was a hard episode for me to watch, even though it's been a few years since my dog had passed away.

and once i opened the floodgates everything just came out. i lost my shit, i'm not gonna lie. i thought of mocha and how much i miss her, how we didn't even get to make that decision for her because she left on her own.

in general, i thought about how much pain i've felt in relationships when i finally let someone in and something bad happens. i thought about how i hold many people at a distance until i really get to know them, possibly just to cut down on the potential loss i'd feel if they left me somehow. it's incredibly hard to open yourself up again after experiencing such a damaging blow.

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i do have many things in my life to anticipate though:

• the vegas trip is booked
• the show will go into tech week soon enough and show dates are march 17-21
• i may have another long-term sub job soon, and if not, i still have drc till june/july

i'm starting zumba again tomorrow to prepare for vegas. i changed my availability at joann's to allow me time to go work out. just like the show, this is just something i must do. i'm determined to not be so self-conscious about my body this time. i want to look good but i'm realistic about the time period i'm given. i have 50 days to make some progress. where are those 'six-week makeover'/bootcamp fitness articles when i need them?!? :)