'bts' for most students and teachers means 'back to school.' for me it means 'back to subbing'.... point blank: it sucks. i was really hoping to have the opportunity to teach this year but as of late, the right opportunity has not presented itself. i had one interview this year... but i didn't feel comfortable in the school or in the area of the school... and i think i'd be shooting myself in the foot if i took a job that was anything like my experience last fall. i just couldn't do it. i wasn't able to thrive in that setting. many people probably could but it was not for me, and not meant to be.
one thing is crystal clear to me: i have to get out of my house. it's slowly killing me and hindering my job search capabilities, my confidence, and my well-being. my mom is currently the bane of my existence and i can't take her criticisms as well-meaning anymore... she's not helping and she's not understanding that she's not helping. earlier this morning: "with you alone, i have over $50,000 in school loans to pay... if i would have known that you would be working minimum wage after graduating college, you probably didn't need to go."
you know what? although i'd love to teach, not everyone works within the field of their degree. and something else? i work my ass of for my $7.30 an hour... i know that i'm capable of more and i've been filling out applications. i'm just tired of hearing "no." the constant "no" keeps me from applying for more jobs. i know it's stupid but i can't push hard enough to get past the friction force necessary to get moving again...
update: i had a fight with my mom just now... she'll probably only remember for a few hours... i don't think she got my point, but she's knows i'm just as frustrated as she is.
i want to teach. i want to explore. i want to see the world. and this pond is feeling a little small.
i have no idea what i'm going to do.
