haven't posted for a bit -- sixty-hour work weeks will do that. :)
i bought a new car, photos to come later. it's super awesome. it's a scion xD and since it is big and grey, its name is rambi, like the rhinocerous from 'donkey kong country.' that's a cool word: rhinocerous, rhinocerous, rhinocerous. wow, i'm tired. :)
while working long days, i've been consuming convenience foods that have left me feeling like i'm not eating so healthy. i'm up a few pounds but i noticed the other day that my shoulders are quite muscular and today i pulled off a hilly bike-ride that i figured would probably be impossible. i need to give myself more credit for these things.
there are so many more things to blog about, but the hour is getting late... and i'm beginning to feel quite inarticulate. said things will have to wait. :)
g'night!

CW: 176.0

très belle

i'm going to do it. i'm going to audition in march for a show. i've made a lot of progress in the past year and i feel confident enough to let myself shine a bit. there is still more work to be done but i feel ready to do something a little crazy... in a good way. :) i know it's a long shot... i'm arizona going into super bowl XLIII at this point... but i need to move on from just doing karaoke. karaoke, while fun, does not offer me the validity of an entertainer that i crave more every day. i think i've got it in me to do this.

the show is disney's beauty and the beast and i want to try out for belle. i know, i know... i've already raised my hopes infinitely higher than they should be, but thinking of the possibility of being in a show (specifically this show) has plastered a smile on my face for the past couple weeks. i've been running the songs through my head recently and have been singing along in the car whenever possible.

when i think about it, i feel that i relate well to belle. i'm a book-nerd who likes to keep an open mind. someone who's well-read and intelligent but who also has a good sense of imagination. someone who stands up for what she believes in and won't settle for a situation she doesn't agree with*. i don't know if the beautiful part is quite there, but hey... i clean up pretty well. ;)

my thoughts are, "what the hell... the worst they can tell you is no." i've heard it enough from people interviewing me for teaching positions, sadly, so why not audition/interview for something where i more or less expect them to say no?

wish me luck. :)


*i love prepositions at the end of sentences, btw... well, actually i don't, i just can't seem to get away from them. :)

dancin' days are here again

jenny, mickey and i all partook in a haircut and color this past weekend -- a gift from mickey for christmas. i got my "new usual": an inverted bob, stacked in the back. i told the girl i wanted a purpley-red color... and i got exactly what i asked for. it's a bit bright, but i'm so in love with it. it definitely needs to be styled every day though, to keep up with the fashion-forward-ness of the color.
here's a picture of the ladies... and of course we're a walking joke: the blonde, the brunette, and the redhead. :)
to be self-deprecating for a moment: i love my girls, but i always look a little heavy next to these two.... and i know i've posted this beforeand you can't really tell with the coat, but at least i look better than in this photo:
the photo was taken about a year-and-a-half ago... and i've lost 15-20 pounds since then.... and kept it off. i think that's pretty good. maybe the photo above is not a good example... the photo below was taken a year after the photo above... no coat = better idea of what i'm talking about. i can totally see the difference, can you? ;)

working at joann's has been putting me on track to lose some more weight. moving all the boxes around and just being on my feet has encouraged my body to burn some of the reserved calories in my body. i weighed myself on sunday and i was 173.4... lighter than i've been in quite a long time. it's not flattering to admit this, but the little crease on my lower back that bothers the crap out of me has all but disappeared. other people have the little crease, right? anyway, my mom and i did a pilates video last night and i can definitely tell that it worked my core. i need to do more of that. :)
so dancing -- the title of the post. after having our hair 'did,' the ladies wanted to go to 'the dance bag,' a dance supply store in west chester. mickey bought some toe shoes, while jenny and i opted for some canvas dance sneakers. i've wanted a pair of these since i was on dance team in high school... they're extremely supportive and would allow me to try and learn double and triple spins... something i've also wanted for forever. :)so we're in the process of trying to find an adult hip-hop class... where the instructors know what they're doing and aren't trying to be cool... :) we found a promising class in mason that's only $10/class, so maybe we'll try it out soon.


CW: 173.4

strep throat, a christmas story

ok, ok, i kid. i DID have strep within the past week but was over the illness by yesterday. it was most definitely not a fun time and if you've ever had strep, you will agree. :) i suppose this is what i get for subbing... little brats. j/k :)
i lost a bit of weight, but it was mostly just because i didn't eat for four days, save for some oatmeal... it's still good that i'm not gaining weight over the holidays though. i'm not feeling too many cravings for food now. maybe i'm still recovering from my illness, but i'm not stopping at fast food places and i'm not going crazy on food at restaurants. the only thing i've been stopping for is starbucks... so that's my little treat. i turned in all my coins to a coinstar for a starbucks card, so it really does feel like i'm treating myself... trying to ration that out. :)


CW: 174.4

yep, i did it...

i resigned from my job shortly after the last post. it was time. i could feel it. i still don't think i'm exactly up to par... and there are so many things left to work on within myself... but being at that school wasn't healthy for me. like i had written in the last post, i was thinking bad thoughts... and at least i was cognizant enough to know that feeling like that wasn't healthy, and that i could indeed do something about it.
i still don't know what direction my life is going. i suppose that by now, i should have everything figured out but i just don't feel ready for a lot of the things that i'd like to try / eventually like to do. my friends are feeling the strain and are feeling similar to how i'm feeling... maybe that's why we're friends. :) we talk about things like marriage and kids... (and having a steady, full-time job for frak's sake...) and i just know that i would not be able to do what many people my age have done. i'm just not ready. and it makes me feeling like i'm stunted somehow... an abnormality -- why am i not able to function like everybody? there is no way i could be a part of a household. i'm not even a very helpful contributor to my current household, and i'm still with my parents! (this is, in a way, a catch 22... but it might have to wait for another entry....)
i hate turning this entry into another "mentally losing it" post instead of a "physically losing weight" post... but i think most of my weight comes from stress and my previous inability to deal with it properly.
is it arrogant to think that if i'm unhappy with my employment, that i deserve better and fon't need to deal with whatever is causing me to be distraught? still struggling with this...

CW: 176.0

actually losing it...

i don't know where else to write this, but i need an outlet for my emotions... that's what blogs are for, right?
*sigh*
as of late, i've had a salaried teaching job. it's something that i've wanted for a long time. now that i have one, it's made me rethink my plans. as in, "do i / can i continue to teach at this school for the rest of this school year / till christmas / through the end of this month?" it totally sucks and i don't want to be a quitter, especially since this is my first year teaching, and getting a five-year license for teaching this year is paramount.
admittedly, i have the craziest class in the school building. unless it's just the other teachers / principals saying it to make me feel better, the seventh grade is "a rough class." i screwed it up early on because i wasn't mean. it wasn't that these kids had to like me, i'm just a passive, non-confrontational person by nature. i let them get away with too much and now everything is a struggle. i'm in deeper doo-doo because i was nice in the beginning. i don't think that there's any way to reverse that... especially within my school building.
i've heard from friends that if i make it here and it's on my resume, then i can make it anywhere... i just don't think i can sustain this pace for the rest of the school year. i hate myself for feeling this way but i don't think there are any alternatives...

something i haven't really mentioned on here that weighs heavily on my mind is that maybe this is something that lies within me... a deeper problem that started way before i was hired for this gig. i feel like i haven't been "right" since the middle of high school. i could have done much better in college if i didn't feel like i had this "block" preventing me from doing anything productive. the same block exists today, along with the feeling of extreme anxiety.
each morning, an hour or so before the alarm rings, i'm startled awake by the thought that i've overslept and have still to plan the lessons for the day. my stomach starts churning at the thought of going in to teach. sometimes, i can eat any breakfast and i suffer for it later. school is usually exhausting and i nap when i get home, unless i have other errands to run. i eat dinner unless i sleep through it... and then i either knit or go on the internet till i'm ready to go to bed again, which is usually around 10:30 pm.

i don't want to get out of bed. if i had my way, i'd be a million miles away, somewhere in a cabin in the woods by myself with some yarn... and just forget about everything.... and start new.

still making some progress

baby steps are better than no progress at all... and definitely better than gaining the weight back. :)
i started a new teaching job that's left me without energy in the evenings. i haven't been able to go to the gym in the past couple weeks, which stinks, but i have been a lot more active in the classroom, ie: standing during the day for long periods of time, etc.
this morning i was 174.8 lbs, which is good. i'm still losing weight, just much more slowly. i'm ok with that right now, until i can get into a groove and into the teacher routine. :)

CW: 174.8