moment of truth

i took some photos of myself tonight. it was just your standard set-the-timer-and-see-what-develops (ha! punny!) kind of shoot, and i posed so that there were several perspectives of my body in the shots. these weren't the edited-for-facebook photos, wherein photos are sometimes 'prettified' through picnik or where the best shots are the only ones used online. these were the in-your-face, hard-reality-of-the-situation kind of photos. (sorry... i'm really feeling the hyphens tonight....)

it made me realize one thing: damn, i let myself go. also, when are the layers of clothing are peeled, i really feel like i look 195 lbs. i look okay from... well, let's say the chest and up... things below the waist have kind of ballooned and expanded though, and it's not pretty.

whatever life events were that got me to this place are irrelevant now. as i've said in previous posts, something just needs to be done. i'm not going to post these photos here, because i am truly embarrassed about them... but maybe when i lose the weight, i'll post them as a dramatic before-and-after... :)

i went to zumba twice this week at dare to dance and i have plans to try out the hip-hop class tomorrow at noon. i'm so happy to be dancing again. it's my little release and i feel so good after sweating my butt off. i feel like i can take a deep breath and not have my chest hurt... which is something that happens more often than i'd like, whether it's due to stress or just being heavy. looking at myself in the full-length mirror wasn't pretty this week, but it needed to happen. unfortunately, i proved that wearing all-black is not always as slimming as people would like to think!

progress is being made already though. i feel a bit more awake in general. i want to eat healthy things because i don't want to undo all the good things i'm doing by going to zumba and everything. my shoulder/neck muscles are working hard already and anything that's toning up already is great!

happy new year!

2010 came and went so fast. i'm not sure if technology is responsible for the rapidity of time passing or what. all i know is that once you start getting older, time feels like it's slipping through the hourglass that much faster. whoa! sorry, reader.... i missed the "[begin melodramatic diatribe]" tag when i started composing this too! i'll end it here then, since the quick passage of time is really the only thing i'm wistful about. [/end melocramatic diatribe]

i broke out of my shell quite a bit in 2010.i think i did a really good job finding and pursuing what makes me happy:

• i auditioned for some shows and played some sweet parts. for not having any formal training for acting or singing, i feel incredibly lucky to have been a part of something that involved such talented people.
• i completed two long-term sub assignments for the middle school. even though i was about to give up on finding anything fruitful in the area this school-year, i apparently did an awesome job and was chosen for a nearly-year-long assignment. 
• i discovered live-band karaoke through a friend from high school. tuesday nights are the highlight of my week because i get to live out my rockstar dreams... :) seriously, if you have facebook, check this out (i'm at the end, wailing to "sweet child of mine"): http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=490953374094

i'm still learning to accept compliments for a job well-done (whether it's through subbing, through theatre, or through live-band karaoke). it's not that i feel undeserving of the compliments (well, maybe it's a little bit of that...), it's that i'm just so thankful and appreciative when a person takes the time to applaud me like that. it's not something i'll ever take for granted.

2011 will be a continuation of themes from 2010. i have some resolutions, i suppose. i dislike calling them resolutions, but that's really what they are.

1. lose weight. i know. #1 resolution on everyone's list. it's been my #1 resolution more than a few times as well. might as well just keep it on there... i joined a place in blue ash called "dare to dance" and i'd like to start my first class on monday, if possible. i'm in it for the zumba... and the belly dancing, and the hip hop classes... heck, i'll go to any of the fitness classes i'm able to attend. i'm so excited to be dancing again.
2. learn how to play my guitar. i've had it forever. i've had a gift certificate for lessons at moeller music for over a year. i just need to start learning. i get so frustrated when i hear a song i want to learn, or see other people play because i know that i should have learned how to play fifteen years ago when i was first interested.
3. pay down credit cards. it's totally doable and under control now that i have a position through june of 2011. 
4. bundled with #3 is for me to quit buying so much stuff. i have an uncanny ability to go to any store and drop $100 like it's nothing. it needs to stop.

aside from the negative-sounding resolutions, i have a good feeling about this year. we'll just see what it brings!

week one

i didn't follow every guideline i had made to a "t" but i did end up losing two pounds. i wasn't expecting to see much of a change on the scale, due to the fact that i didn't restrict myself as much as i should have, and because i have been ravenous with this cold. you'd think that with a head-cold, i'd lose my appetite... yeah, not so much.

things i did accomplish:

• one and done at live-band last week
• two drinks at two other karaoke events (karaoke crazy last week!)
• worked out twice with mickey
• ate reasonably -- snacked on small amounts of good things when hungry, only one fast-food meal (chipotle)
• only went to starbucks once (friday treat)

i was disappointed that my knee started causing me trouble while walking. i wanted to jog/run (i know, right?), but my body wouldn't let me. compound that with the illness i currently have, and i definitely didn't get myself to the gym enough this past week. i feel so much better after i get my heart rate up. once i can breathe better again at rest, i will hit up the treadmill.

CW: 192.0

heavier things

embarrassing admission: i'm two pounds away from my heaviest weight. although i've posted nearly once a month on this blog, i haven't recorded my weight in over a year (really?!?), so it's clear to me that it wasn't a priority. if it wasn't in the forefront on my mind, it's painfully obvious why i gained the weight back. it doesn't make it less frustrating, but it's understandable.

i knew it was happening, but up until a couple months ago, i still weighed about 183 lbs. then i started treating myself for getting through stressful days. i bruised my kneecap around halloween and it was difficult for me to move around, much less be active and exercise. i would get venti caramel lattes from starbucks in the morning two or three times a week (the calories are stretched out over the entire morning, so it's okay, right? :-p). i would eat when i was ravenous after getting home from school, then still eat dinner at some point in the evening. i would consume too many strongbows at northside, which, while fun, was probably a ton of calories added each week (4 drinks x 239 calories = 956 calories x 3.5 weeks = 1 pound... yeah, not helping).

i'm not going to dwell on the weight gain. it happened and it needs to be remedied. this is what i will do:

• cardio exercise at least three times a week.
• strength training on alternating muscle groups each night.
• if i want fancy coffee in the morning, i will get a tall non-fat drink.
• water with lemon when i go out. if i have one strongbow, it may be a slippery slope.

i'm not going over 200 lbs. approaching that weight was my wake-up call last time at 196 lbs., and it will definitely be a motivator this time as well. if i lost weight once, i can do it again. i know that the key is working out and eating properly (imagine that!).

CW: 194.0 (gotta be honest with myself at this point.)

alfie

this little guy is pretty amazing.

i love having a companion, as well as someone who's happy to see me from the moment i wake up to the moment i turn off the light.

i got him from the hart rescue group in cincinnati. even though i wasn't quite ready for a puppy yet, i had previously told myself that my only reason for not having a dog of my own in my life up until this point was job stability. at that point, i had just started long-term substitute teaching -- an assignment that will go till june. with that experience under my belt, i know it'll be easier to get a job for the next school year. if it's not in cincy, i'll definitely consider moving. 

anyway, back to the topic that i can pick up with one hand: alfie. he's my cuddlebug. he's already pretty well house-trained. he doesn't whine too much when i put him in his crate to leave in the morning. he knows how to fetch. i taught him how to sit. he loves to give kisses with his little ant-eater tongue. he's amazing and i'm so glad i got him. 

the loveliness of facebook

last night i saw an interaction (thanks to the loveliness of facebook) between an ex and a mutual friend about how they missed each other. after i vomited in my mouth a little (due to the fact that they both flirted throughout the run of the last show in which we performed while we were together), i realized that i really hadn't missed him in my life. it was a strange revelation, to not miss someone that was a huge part of my life for a good part of this year. this spoke volumes to me and reaffirmed why us parting ways was a good decision, even if it wasn't initially my decision. i mean, it was fun while it lasted and we were compatible on so many levels, but it wouldn't have been fulfilling long-term. there were times that i felt so content, that i was so glad i 'fit' with someone... and i thought at times to myself, hmmm, this would be okay... i could maybe do this, but i know i wouldn't have been happy. the fire and the excitement were not there.

this situation made me realize once again (re-realize?) that i've never had a long-term relationship that's lasted over two years. i've never lived with someone with whom i had a relationship. this in itself doesn't really bother me... it's the fact that the relationships that i've had have only felt transient. i'm the until-something-better-comes-along girl. i'm the best friend whom you could tell anything that you'd never think of in a relationship sense. i'm comfortable like your favorite flannel pj pants you've washed a million times but can't bear to part with just based on principle.

the fact is... i'm not void of intense emotions and desires. i've sheltered myself in the past for protection but i unerringly succumb and am pulled completely under by the force of the riptide. i want the yearning, burning, i-want-to-jump-on-you-right-now feeling.... and i would hope that something that powerful could sustain itself throughout a relationship. (i didn't have this with the last relationship... it's a big reason that i wouldn't be happy in the long-run. also, i know that the physical part of the relationship isn't everything... but for me it's pretty important.) i have experienced this feeling for certain guys... probably starting around junior high... and continuing through the present day... but i'm typically so good at watching from afar that the guys never discover the depth of my affection. i definitely have the unrequited yearning and burning down pat.

i love the anticipation... the feeling of the unknown and unexplored. it's so self-consuming sitting next to someone, waiting for a stray, inadvertent brush of contact with a leg.... an 'oh sorry, excuse me', a blush.... a fizzy explosion through the bloodstream. a light touch... lips tingling, the potential of hands wandering... and it's in moments like this that everything becomes quiet within my head and i hear the quickened pace of my heart pounding away, loudly threatening to announce my secret.

i'm always fearful at that point of pushing myself over the edge... to just take a breath and dive in. in baring oneself, one opens oneself to rejection. perhaps i'm under the assumption that my heart is more fragile than it really is... but there are things that i wouldn't want to repeat more times than i have to...

my hope though is to be able to feel more of the anticipatory-type emotions in the near future... to be able to open myself up and not be afraid of certain situations where fear should not be an issue. i know that i'm already capable of loving without expecting anything in return... but it would be nice to have some reciprocity. :)

cartwheels

i'm ecstatic to announce that i just secured a teaching position for the rest of the year. i'll be teaching eighth-grade language arts for mason middle school from late-september through june. it's technically a long-term assignment, since the teacher will be returning next school year. my thoughts are that if i do a stellar job, more opportunities will be open to me for next year just due to the extra experience. hopefully some levies pass this fall -- we need to get our schools back on track financially. i'll go out to the polls/promote this stuff myself if i need to!

during the meeting, the principal told me that i had done a great job for them in the past and that she felt confident in my abilities to be able to take on this assignment. she said it a couple times while talking to me one-on-one and also with the teacher who's place i'm to fill... just extremely encouraging. for a girl who's resolve was weakening, the reassurance was an amazing confidence-booster. :)

still, i couldn't believe it when the principal told the teacher to go ahead and show me around the classroom at the end of the meeting. on the phone, the principal had said that we would chat to see if the position would be a good fit. i made sure at that point to tell myself to be realistic -- if it's not a sure-thing, don't get your hopes up. walking out to my car afterward though, my mind was racing. i'm sure that if i was able to do cartwheels, i would have. i'll admit too that for a good five to ten minutes i couldn't stop making that high-pitched excited noise /squeal that i tend to make when i'm happy... :)

this position has been four years in the making (since i graduated fall of 2006) and i'm so happy to finally have a classroom. as you can see if you read my last post, i was nearly done but not quite ready to give up on the dream. i will be a great resource for these kids. i'm finally at that point where i'm confident in my abilities and ready to put in as much effort as it takes. i've seen my life without teaching and it's not a place i want to be.

the opportunity to teach at mason has been and will be great as well... you pretty much couldn't ask for a better situation. it took me quite awhile to recover from my experience at mt. healthy. for awhile, i felt kind of like an abused puppy trying to find a good home... happy to have any attention but still only getting scraps here-and-there in terms of work.... when i subbed this past january and also in june, teaching at the middle school just kind of felt right. it was definitely a place where i fit and where i wanted to be. i now have a place to call home till next june (!) and that makes me happier than anything in the world right now.