I posted this to Facebook the other day, but it seemed long and maybe deserved to be on this blog that tends to fall into disrepair.... :)
I saw this quote on Tumblr tonight and it really hit home. It's lengthy but worth the read. It describes why I'm struggling to find my way right now.... And why I'm making choices that some may deem reckless.
I'm not always going to desire change on such a grand scale, but if things are not functioning well in their current state, changes must be made. I refuse to give in to complacency when I know I can do better.
TBH, after having a major, still-way-too-recent breakup and three moves in the past year and a half, I'm a little over change and the stress it can bring.... I've been excited recently, like I'm building momentum. One major life transition at a time though. I'm just trying to push through without fear and hesitation. Next is improving the job situation.
"Make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty."
And it's in the darkest stretch of the night when I'm just so disgusted and tired of myself that I can't even take it anymore....
And even though I try to be as independent as possible and chart my own path, I feel abandoned and lost.
And when what you were waiting for was not what you had hoped. It didn't have to be all you had hoped, just somewhat akin to it.
And when trying to get yourself to a happier place involves so many false starts, dead end, and a slim-to-none chance of digging yourself out of the labyrith.
It's in these moments when I need to refresh the concept of "love of your fate," but when you're in the thick of it, it's the hardest thing to do and remember: telling yourself that whatever happens, this is what you need in that moment.
This is a short post. I just wanted to write down for posterity that I'm just going to try to be the best me that I can be. It's sounds very Stuart Smalley, but it's true. I'm not the 'best me' right now, but I'm making strides to work towards that... and I feel less stressed because of it.
Weight-wise, I'm the heaviest I've ever been. I lost myself over the past year and let myself become weighed down by multiple burdens and the weight of the world. Now is the time to get back to being me, hence this post about the 'best me.'
I'm starting again, and I'm likely going to need a bit of encouragement. Any and all motivation is appreciated!
So after revving my engines and speeding towards good intentions, once more I've fallen victim to frustration after attempting to lose weight and get healthy.
My help this time is coming in the form of a former coworker that offered to supply me with an eating plan and exercise regime. This is going to be incredibly valuable because as much as I'm still gung ho about working out and everything, I definitely needed a better plan of attack.
Today is Day 1.... Well more like 1/2 because I purchased all my food earlier today.
Starting at 206 lbs. This is part of why I got frustrated before. While embarking on my plan last time, I lost some fat and gained some muscle... a decent amount of muscle considering I gained weight while working out and eating better. This time I'm on a meal plan that actually has me eating quite often... I just can't let myself do a convenience stop at a fast food place... or let myself go to a restaurant and go off-plan... oh how their neon signs entice me.... :)
I feel like every time I gain weight, I hit a reset point wherein my body refuses and fights so hard to keep me at whatever weight I become. It gets higher each time. I just have to remind myself that I'm not starting from a complete stop and that I've already laid the foundation for this current quest.
Resetting again dedication-wise and going for the gold.
I've had this quirk since fifth grade and I think it's finally time to talk about it. I used to think that maybe I just had a lot of pet-peeves... and I still think I do, but mainly want to address my sound-related pet-peeves.
Recently, there has been increasing talk of something called "misophonia."
Misophonia, literally “hatred of sound,” is a form of decreased sound tolerance. People who have misophonia are most commonly annoyed, or even enraged, by such ordinary sounds as other people eating, breathing, sniffing, or coughing; certain consonants; or repetitive sounds. Though a few sufferers are bothered by sounds they make themselves, most are not.The reactions are completelyinvoluntary.
People who have misophonia may also be annoyed by other people's repetitive movements, such as leg-tapping, nail-biting, the rising and falling of the belly, and typing.
It is important to note that sensitivity to the offending sounds is often far more severe when the origin of the sound comes from a person emotionally connected to the sufferer.
From the ABC.com site:
Do you think you have misophonia? Here are the major symptoms of misophonia, also known as selective sound sensitivity, as explained by Dr. Marsha Johnson:
Presence of “trigger sounds” which evoke strong emotional or physical reactions, generally limited to a few sounds. Most common are eating or breathing noises.
Onset is often in childhood. Most common time is puberty.
Preference for louder sounds or louder noise environments.
Logic or reason does not change reactions to trigger sounds.
Often misdiagnosed as psychological disorders, but has a physiological mechanism, in reality.
Sufferers often structure their lives in order to avoid trigger sounds, isolating themselves from society. There is no cure, but there are treatments. More information is available at www.misophonia-provider.com.
My main triggers since the onset of this condition have been a person eating with his or her mouth open (and the crunching or slurping that results), gum chewing/popping/smacking, and nail-biting.
It's interesting that I can now refer to it as a medical... thing. I think in this case 'condition' is a better word than 'disease.' I definitely relate to the feeling of isolation described... and the fact that when faced with the fight-0r-flight feeling, I fly to avoid a confrontation or a release of rage. I also relate to enjoying environments with louder noises, as they tend to cover up the little noises that threaten to turn me into The Hulk.
It started with leaving the dinner table early to avoid dealing with the noises.
I started wearing earplugs when I went to sleep so that I could fall asleep within a normal amount of time without being bothered by TV noises filtering up to the second floor.
I dropped a class in college because a rude, gum-popper was in it who was also in a previous class of mine. Even though I really needed to take the class, my anxiety and stress-response won out. I was not sitting through that again.
I also have an issue with bass noises, whether within a building or in a car outside. I'd be fine if I could hear the rest of the music. In college, outside of the dorms, I had a stereo war with a neighbor over this. Childish? Yes. I was so frustrated though and had already told him to turn it down multiple times by then.
I carry earplugs with me when I go out, so that I can tune out noises if I need to. This means that movies aren't as full of an experience for me, and why I'd just rather not go. If I can still hear a person popping gum or whatever with the earplugs in, they are truly ridiculous, beyond help, and I exit whatever situation I'm in ASAP.
If I've never talked to you about this, it's because I didn't want to risk a friendship over something that I wish didn't bother me. There's only one person that I know that truly understands the depth and magnitude of misophonia, and I'm so glad we can at least vent to each other about this stuff. (Cheaper than therapy! *Pound it!* ;))
20/20 aired a segment recently that delved a bit deeper into misophonia. (Click the link -- I wasn't able to embed it in this post. Also, don't worry, the segment doesn't span the full episode.) The first girl they interview is probably the most severe case that I've seen. I'm just glad my ears aren't quite that sensitive. The man in the middle part of the segment is a pretty typical case. The full video that he created is shown below. They also interview Kelly Ripa who also suffers from misophonia.
I relate so well to the guy in the office setting. When these sounds are present, I feel like screaming or totally vacating the situation. It's not easy to cope with when you're at work though. I also appreciate Kelly Ripa putting herself out there regarding the condition.
I know this is frustrating. My mom and dad think I'm nuts and refuse to even watch the 20/20 clip. I think they'd rather just believe I'm crazy at this point....
To those of you who still feel like this is something I need to get over, think about something that angers, infuriates, enrages, or even frightens you and imagine someone telling you to "just get over it." It's a gut-response, and it's something that we become more sensitive to as the years go by. Like I've said, I wish this didn't bother me. Perhaps if you've made it this far in the post though, you've gained deeper insight to how much of an issue this can be and why having more people conscious of misophonia can be so helpful.
Life gets in the way. For me recently, even with the purest intentions and motivation, life has stressed the heck out of me and has decided to fly by me at light-speed (ludicrous speed?). This always results in not enough trips to the gym and an unhappy (and still overweight) me. I get into trouble when I go out to try to let off some steam, when 'enjoying myself' leads to a drink or two. It's a ton of calories and I'm fully aware of it, but yet I still indulge myself. Do I deserve it? I definitely deserve to be less stressed, but I really don't think it helps in the long run. It's just as easy for me to go without drinking though, and I have. It's just more likely that I'll have a few after a particularly long day.
I'm setting specific goals this time. I'm hitting the gym three times a week, minimum. I'll work on resistance training on all three days, and one of the days will always be Saturday, so that I can attend the morning Zumba class. If I get there more often, then that's awesome, but I must hit three days/week. I've been eating Lean Cuisines for lunch and have been avoiding fast food for the past week, so that's a good start. I really don't want to have to start counting calories, but if I don't see any progress in the next week or two, I will start. I will strive to be 175 lbs (~30 lbs) by my birthday, August 26th.
Now that this band thing is rolling, I need to be in top form to be able to perform. I think I mentioned this before, but I don't feel like my lung capacity is where it once was. Hopefully I will gain some of that back with a little cardio and some weight loss. Just for image's sake too, I'd love to drop a few pounds, but I'm definitely focusing on health and gaining muscle.
I'll be starting up the video blog soon too. Would like to see some visible changes through that medium.
I'm still searching for a job. I'm subbing again, though it's neither dependable or ultimately desirable. By default, the nature of the employment I've been seeking is temporary, and it means that I'll be searching once again after the current assignment is over. Rinse and repeat ad infinitum. I'm so ready for things to not be so temporary in many aspects of my life. Housing, the employment situation... even relationships if I meet the right person.
I've been trying to get some health concerns under control, and it's been expensive and hasn't led me very far. Part of this is due to the fact that I went to a low-cost health clinic where no one is an endocrinologist looking to find a viable treatment. I'm within the normal range of test results, even though I'm still experiencing symptoms, so they're done with me. It sucks to not be taken seriously... and not feel like a health care provider is being an advocate for you. I also have some concerns about several 'moles'... though I was told by a dermatologist that they would cost $200-300 each to remove. Yikes!
I've been exercising and eating better, but I'm not showing too much progress scale-wise. I'm 'rearranging' things though, as my mom says -- apparently I'm not jiggling as much when we walk the dogs. (Yay, for those squats in Zumba!) She had told me a few months ago that I'd look good if I could get lipo on my thighs... and you wonder why I have a complex about this stuff.... *rolls eyes*
I'm not "giving in" to any of these issues, but it seems like the old adage of "the more things change, the more they stay the same" is more true than I'd like to admit. Trying to change said things is infinitely exhausting when everything is an uphill battle. I'm so tired of spinning my wheels.
To end this on a positive note, I've joined a band. I know that to any normal adult, that's pretty much like saying, "I joined the circus," but I'm excited about the prospects it may bring. We don't have a name yet, and we're still wanting to get some practice sessions under our belts before we gig, but the guys have a decent amount of experience... and they happened to want me, someone with only some stage and karaoke experience, which was amazing. :D
Lately, I haven't been able to ignore the power that my voice has... a power I'm still just learning to be confident enough to use. I've mesmerized crowds recently with Mariah, Whitney, that one Sinead O'Connor song, and U2's 'With or Without You.' It's pretty amazing and I'm always humbled when I can tell I've struck a chord with the audience. If it's the one thing that I have going for me right now, I'm just going to run with it. :)
