strep throat, a christmas story

ok, ok, i kid. i DID have strep within the past week but was over the illness by yesterday. it was most definitely not a fun time and if you've ever had strep, you will agree. :) i suppose this is what i get for subbing... little brats. j/k :)
i lost a bit of weight, but it was mostly just because i didn't eat for four days, save for some oatmeal... it's still good that i'm not gaining weight over the holidays though. i'm not feeling too many cravings for food now. maybe i'm still recovering from my illness, but i'm not stopping at fast food places and i'm not going crazy on food at restaurants. the only thing i've been stopping for is starbucks... so that's my little treat. i turned in all my coins to a coinstar for a starbucks card, so it really does feel like i'm treating myself... trying to ration that out. :)


CW: 174.4

yep, i did it...

i resigned from my job shortly after the last post. it was time. i could feel it. i still don't think i'm exactly up to par... and there are so many things left to work on within myself... but being at that school wasn't healthy for me. like i had written in the last post, i was thinking bad thoughts... and at least i was cognizant enough to know that feeling like that wasn't healthy, and that i could indeed do something about it.
i still don't know what direction my life is going. i suppose that by now, i should have everything figured out but i just don't feel ready for a lot of the things that i'd like to try / eventually like to do. my friends are feeling the strain and are feeling similar to how i'm feeling... maybe that's why we're friends. :) we talk about things like marriage and kids... (and having a steady, full-time job for frak's sake...) and i just know that i would not be able to do what many people my age have done. i'm just not ready. and it makes me feeling like i'm stunted somehow... an abnormality -- why am i not able to function like everybody? there is no way i could be a part of a household. i'm not even a very helpful contributor to my current household, and i'm still with my parents! (this is, in a way, a catch 22... but it might have to wait for another entry....)
i hate turning this entry into another "mentally losing it" post instead of a "physically losing weight" post... but i think most of my weight comes from stress and my previous inability to deal with it properly.
is it arrogant to think that if i'm unhappy with my employment, that i deserve better and fon't need to deal with whatever is causing me to be distraught? still struggling with this...

CW: 176.0

actually losing it...

i don't know where else to write this, but i need an outlet for my emotions... that's what blogs are for, right?
*sigh*
as of late, i've had a salaried teaching job. it's something that i've wanted for a long time. now that i have one, it's made me rethink my plans. as in, "do i / can i continue to teach at this school for the rest of this school year / till christmas / through the end of this month?" it totally sucks and i don't want to be a quitter, especially since this is my first year teaching, and getting a five-year license for teaching this year is paramount.
admittedly, i have the craziest class in the school building. unless it's just the other teachers / principals saying it to make me feel better, the seventh grade is "a rough class." i screwed it up early on because i wasn't mean. it wasn't that these kids had to like me, i'm just a passive, non-confrontational person by nature. i let them get away with too much and now everything is a struggle. i'm in deeper doo-doo because i was nice in the beginning. i don't think that there's any way to reverse that... especially within my school building.
i've heard from friends that if i make it here and it's on my resume, then i can make it anywhere... i just don't think i can sustain this pace for the rest of the school year. i hate myself for feeling this way but i don't think there are any alternatives...

something i haven't really mentioned on here that weighs heavily on my mind is that maybe this is something that lies within me... a deeper problem that started way before i was hired for this gig. i feel like i haven't been "right" since the middle of high school. i could have done much better in college if i didn't feel like i had this "block" preventing me from doing anything productive. the same block exists today, along with the feeling of extreme anxiety.
each morning, an hour or so before the alarm rings, i'm startled awake by the thought that i've overslept and have still to plan the lessons for the day. my stomach starts churning at the thought of going in to teach. sometimes, i can eat any breakfast and i suffer for it later. school is usually exhausting and i nap when i get home, unless i have other errands to run. i eat dinner unless i sleep through it... and then i either knit or go on the internet till i'm ready to go to bed again, which is usually around 10:30 pm.

i don't want to get out of bed. if i had my way, i'd be a million miles away, somewhere in a cabin in the woods by myself with some yarn... and just forget about everything.... and start new.

still making some progress

baby steps are better than no progress at all... and definitely better than gaining the weight back. :)
i started a new teaching job that's left me without energy in the evenings. i haven't been able to go to the gym in the past couple weeks, which stinks, but i have been a lot more active in the classroom, ie: standing during the day for long periods of time, etc.
this morning i was 174.8 lbs, which is good. i'm still losing weight, just much more slowly. i'm ok with that right now, until i can get into a groove and into the teacher routine. :)

CW: 174.8

woo hoo!

this week, i walked with the dogs twice and went to the gym once. the walks were 45 min each, and i only spent 20 min on the treadmill at the gym. this is not too impressive, save for two facts:
- i ran for three minutes straight, something i thought i couldn't do
- i now weigh less, with the combination of eating better
i've thought about this past year, as well, and i realize that i've lost about 15 lbs so far, which is awesome, considering that i was gaining weight each year.
i'm okay with taking baby steps, as long as i accomplish what i set out to accomplish. it's the story of my life. :)

CW: 175.2

back from camp...

.... and back to the land of blog. :)
camp was great -- wonderful people, beautiful setting, etc. the food left a little to be desired but it's camp and you can't expect too much. :) i lost a couple pounds and became a bit more muscular. i walked up a decent-sized hill about three times a day, most days of the week, just due to where i worked. i walked quite a bit as well, and decided that it would be great to have bananas and apples in my purse for morning and afternoon snacks.
i'm glad to be back home though. it's weird that i'm not having any intense cravings for things... except planet smoothies... and celery with bleu cheese.... at least that's probably healthier than graeter's and pizza.

CW: 177.5

on holiday

i may not be blogging for awhile, due to the fact that i recently (read: yesterday) agreed to a teaching position at a summer camp in the pocono mountains until august 14th. it's going to be a really good opportunity for me to use some of my teaching skills while enjoying the summer in a place that's a little off the beaten path. i've wanted to work at a summer camp for the past couple years too, and this just kind of fell into my lap.
they are funding my plane ticket out there, my room and board, my food, and they're paying me a decent amount on top of that for the seven weeks that i'll be there. i guess that's what happens when you're certified to teach. :) i'm finally beginning to reap the benefits of people realizing that i'd be a good candidate for teaching. it also helps that they need someone starting wednesday of next week and i just happen to be available for the rest of the summer.
have a great summer!

as a side note --
CW: 179.4 :)