... i wish that i was losing weight instead of my head though.
i'm still without a classroom, and therefore without a steady source of income. while it's stressful enough going from having two jobs with 55 hours worked per week to one job with 15 hours worked per week, i got the inevitable, predictable questions from my mom just after i came back from florida, along with this one: "do you have any plans, jobwise?" and then the lecture... "i can't believe i'm paying off [her part of] your school loans and you don't have a teaching job yet. i'm so glad you're doing something with your degree. you should feel glad that i don't charge you rent or haven't kicked you out yet." in all honesty, i'd probably be happier on the street. if this is her idea of a pep talk, it's definitely not helping. she thinks she's helping and she's not. each time i tell her she's not helping, she forgets or just tunes it out.... it's so frustrating.
i KNOW. it's ridiculous that a 25-year-old is unable to support herself. i really thought that i would at least have a good job and be out in the world... have an "adult job" by now. i'm frankly upset with myself quite often because i feel that i sabotage myself due to fear of rejection. and when i do try something, i do hear "no" quite a bit. i grow tired of that word...
i am SO thankful for my friends and coworkers... the people who encourage me and tell me i'm on the right track instead of cutting me down. i DO have a lot to offer. i AM worth something. "i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and gosh-darnit, people like me"... okay, so maybe the stuart smalley quote is taking it too far... ;)
i need positivity. not positivity where it would be unwarranted... just a healthy dose of 'happy.' i would really like to do something with my voice, whether in a band or for a production... i have a great desire to express myself on stage and i'm finally letting that part of myself tentatively step out into the light. i feel that i would be stifling a big part of me if i denied myself this.
i've been screwing around on a karaoke site lately: singsnap.com
here's my page: http://www.singsnap.com/snap/profile/recordings/b5110f0e
it's free, it's fun, and even as a non-paying member, you can record up to 100 songs. i've been doing this for a couple months now and i haven't reached the limit. go take a listen... i'd be interested to hear what you think. :) there's a variety of songs on the singsnap site... and while most of it is your typical karaoke fare, the songs are fun and you may find a bunch of songs you forgot about that you love. i sure did. ;)
CW: 178
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
so many goodbyes...
something i wrote a few nights ago when i couldn't sleep:
this week has been quite an unfortunate one for hollywood. ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and the 'king of pop' himself, michael jackson passed away. we've definitely lost some legends recently.
the past couple months haven't been fortunate for those around me either. three people at work have lost brothers, others have lost family members, and within my own family, my grandpa passed away on memorial day, about a month ago. i don't think that the realization will hit the family until christmas-time, the time when we'd make the pilgrimage from cincinnati to see the family up north for the holidays.
i'd like to say that i'm okay but i'm not. i thought i was pretty much okay until i drove past barrington health care center (old folks home) in west chester on my way home from joann's one evening shortly after my grandpa passed away. as i drove by, i saw the ambulance at the entrance to the building with lights flashing and people wheeling a stretcher in... and i just lost it while driving.
just now i was listening to death cab for cutie, mad at myself for forgetting how much i enjoy ben gibbard's lyrics -- how poignant and honest they are. the song called "what sarah said" came on my ipod... it's the most beautiful song... but the subject matter is incredibly heart-wrenching. i decided to turn off my light and lay down in bed because i knew that i needed to let some of the energy/grief out...
And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me
Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself
'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"
So who's going to watch you die?..
ugh, bad idea. too soon. i started tearing up within the first couple measures and was full-on hugging-my-knees, sobbing, rocking back-and-forth by the time he sang about the waiting room.
the situation was similar to the song with grandpa. it happens to many people, which is why the song hit me so hard. with grandpa, we sat there in the waiting room staring at the floor. we walked two-by-two to his room and gathered around his bed in the darkened room and said our goodbyes.
i know he's in a better place now. i had a strange feeling when i saw his 90th birthday announcement in january that within the year the next article we would see would be... you know. it was clear to me when we arrived on memorial day, that he wasn't going to make it through the night. i could just feel it. he wasn't himself and he's not in pain anymore. it sounds so cliche but it's true. you can't bear to see someone you love suffer like that.
although the death of grandpa was the first loss of a grandparent i've experienced, all of my grandparents are now gone. my mom's mom passed away when my mom was eleven years old. my mom's dad and dad's mom passed away a few years before i was born. my dad's dad, the only grandparent i ever knew, quit smoking pipes cold-turkey when he knew that my mom was pregnant with me because he wanted to see his grandchildren grow up. at least he got that chance -- making it to 90 is pretty admirable. i'm going to miss him a lot.
rest in peace grandpa norris
1/21/19-5/25/09
this week has been quite an unfortunate one for hollywood. ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and the 'king of pop' himself, michael jackson passed away. we've definitely lost some legends recently.
the past couple months haven't been fortunate for those around me either. three people at work have lost brothers, others have lost family members, and within my own family, my grandpa passed away on memorial day, about a month ago. i don't think that the realization will hit the family until christmas-time, the time when we'd make the pilgrimage from cincinnati to see the family up north for the holidays.
i'd like to say that i'm okay but i'm not. i thought i was pretty much okay until i drove past barrington health care center (old folks home) in west chester on my way home from joann's one evening shortly after my grandpa passed away. as i drove by, i saw the ambulance at the entrance to the building with lights flashing and people wheeling a stretcher in... and i just lost it while driving.
just now i was listening to death cab for cutie, mad at myself for forgetting how much i enjoy ben gibbard's lyrics -- how poignant and honest they are. the song called "what sarah said" came on my ipod... it's the most beautiful song... but the subject matter is incredibly heart-wrenching. i decided to turn off my light and lay down in bed because i knew that i needed to let some of the energy/grief out...
And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me
Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself
'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"
So who's going to watch you die?..
ugh, bad idea. too soon. i started tearing up within the first couple measures and was full-on hugging-my-knees, sobbing, rocking back-and-forth by the time he sang about the waiting room.
the situation was similar to the song with grandpa. it happens to many people, which is why the song hit me so hard. with grandpa, we sat there in the waiting room staring at the floor. we walked two-by-two to his room and gathered around his bed in the darkened room and said our goodbyes.
i know he's in a better place now. i had a strange feeling when i saw his 90th birthday announcement in january that within the year the next article we would see would be... you know. it was clear to me when we arrived on memorial day, that he wasn't going to make it through the night. i could just feel it. he wasn't himself and he's not in pain anymore. it sounds so cliche but it's true. you can't bear to see someone you love suffer like that.
although the death of grandpa was the first loss of a grandparent i've experienced, all of my grandparents are now gone. my mom's mom passed away when my mom was eleven years old. my mom's dad and dad's mom passed away a few years before i was born. my dad's dad, the only grandparent i ever knew, quit smoking pipes cold-turkey when he knew that my mom was pregnant with me because he wanted to see his grandchildren grow up. at least he got that chance -- making it to 90 is pretty admirable. i'm going to miss him a lot.
rest in peace grandpa norris
1/21/19-5/25/09
Sunday, April 26, 2009
financial stress
i completely freaked out after buying my new car. i knew that my old car would start to cost me more than it was probably worth, but my recent history of temporary work left me a little shaken. the thought of having to pay school loans plus a car payment plus credit card bills was enough to take my breath away. so i decided to focus on a remedy for the problem.
i'm not shy about the money stuff, so i'm just going to lay it all out there... my student loans are $250/month, and my car payment is $262/month. there's $500/month of costs up-front that i can (pardon the pun) bank on. i figured out that i'd need to pay about $250/month on two credit cards to be able to get rid of the debt within a year. i just card-hopped to be able to get 0% interest for a year on two cards. funny story: citibank sent me a note saying that i qualified for a balance transfer, ie: "transfer you high-rate balances!" me: "uh... you ARE my high-rate balance... but thanks." i only applied for one new card to be able to shift my balances around, so that's good. it's still $1000/month of bills that i have to pay, which sucks.i figured that i would feel much better once the debt has been paid off and that i really need to take care of this now, rather than later.
what got me into debt? an automatic deduction from the gym ($50/month), paying for both groceries and my retail therapy when i was in college because i was too embarrassed to tell my mom i was broke, paying for a semester of school on a credit card because it couldn't go on a loan and i didn't have the available cash ($1200)... even when i WAS paying double the minimum balance on my cards (and even though i hadn't charged anything recently, save for the gym membership), i wasn't getting anywhere and they were making way too much money off of me. this is why the card-hopping seemed the most feasible option, and with the economy the way that it is, i'm not giving the banks/credit card companies a cent more than i have to. i refuse to let them keep me in a perpetual cycle of debt.
i have plans. these plans can be carried out once i get rid of this weight on my shoulders... just something else that makes me feel heavy, if only in a figurative sense. i really think this is a good way to take care of it. it makes me feel better knowing that i'm taking care of it, and even though it sucks for now, it's manageable.
the gym called me on thursday about a $200/year membership. i might take advantage of it, since it would be a third of what i was paying previously. i told them that i was moving to get out of my contract though... can i just call and say, "oh sorry, that didn't work out. sorry about that..."? :)
i'm not shy about the money stuff, so i'm just going to lay it all out there... my student loans are $250/month, and my car payment is $262/month. there's $500/month of costs up-front that i can (pardon the pun) bank on. i figured out that i'd need to pay about $250/month on two credit cards to be able to get rid of the debt within a year. i just card-hopped to be able to get 0% interest for a year on two cards. funny story: citibank sent me a note saying that i qualified for a balance transfer, ie: "transfer you high-rate balances!" me: "uh... you ARE my high-rate balance... but thanks." i only applied for one new card to be able to shift my balances around, so that's good. it's still $1000/month of bills that i have to pay, which sucks.i figured that i would feel much better once the debt has been paid off and that i really need to take care of this now, rather than later.
what got me into debt? an automatic deduction from the gym ($50/month), paying for both groceries and my retail therapy when i was in college because i was too embarrassed to tell my mom i was broke, paying for a semester of school on a credit card because it couldn't go on a loan and i didn't have the available cash ($1200)... even when i WAS paying double the minimum balance on my cards (and even though i hadn't charged anything recently, save for the gym membership), i wasn't getting anywhere and they were making way too much money off of me. this is why the card-hopping seemed the most feasible option, and with the economy the way that it is, i'm not giving the banks/credit card companies a cent more than i have to. i refuse to let them keep me in a perpetual cycle of debt.
i have plans. these plans can be carried out once i get rid of this weight on my shoulders... just something else that makes me feel heavy, if only in a figurative sense. i really think this is a good way to take care of it. it makes me feel better knowing that i'm taking care of it, and even though it sucks for now, it's manageable.
the gym called me on thursday about a $200/year membership. i might take advantage of it, since it would be a third of what i was paying previously. i told them that i was moving to get out of my contract though... can i just call and say, "oh sorry, that didn't work out. sorry about that..."? :)
Saturday, April 18, 2009
haven't posted for a bit -- sixty-hour work weeks will do that. :)
i bought a new car, photos to come later. it's super awesome. it's a scion xD and since it is big and grey, its name is rambi, like the rhinocerous from 'donkey kong country.' that's a cool word: rhinocerous, rhinocerous, rhinocerous. wow, i'm tired. :)
while working long days, i've been consuming convenience foods that have left me feeling like i'm not eating so healthy. i'm up a few pounds but i noticed the other day that my shoulders are quite muscular and today i pulled off a hilly bike-ride that i figured would probably be impossible. i need to give myself more credit for these things.
there are so many more things to blog about, but the hour is getting late... and i'm beginning to feel quite inarticulate. said things will have to wait. :)
g'night!
CW: 176.0
i bought a new car, photos to come later. it's super awesome. it's a scion xD and since it is big and grey, its name is rambi, like the rhinocerous from 'donkey kong country.' that's a cool word: rhinocerous, rhinocerous, rhinocerous. wow, i'm tired. :)
while working long days, i've been consuming convenience foods that have left me feeling like i'm not eating so healthy. i'm up a few pounds but i noticed the other day that my shoulders are quite muscular and today i pulled off a hilly bike-ride that i figured would probably be impossible. i need to give myself more credit for these things.
there are so many more things to blog about, but the hour is getting late... and i'm beginning to feel quite inarticulate. said things will have to wait. :)
g'night!
CW: 176.0
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
très belle
i'm going to do it. i'm going to audition in march for a show. i've made a lot of progress in the past year and i feel confident enough to let myself shine a bit. there is still more work to be done but i feel ready to do something a little crazy... in a good way. :) i know it's a long shot... i'm arizona going into super bowl XLIII at this point... but i need to move on from just doing karaoke. karaoke, while fun, does not offer me the validity of an entertainer that i crave more every day. i think i've got it in me to do this.
the show is disney's beauty and the beast and i want to try out for belle. i know, i know... i've already raised my hopes infinitely higher than they should be, but thinking of the possibility of being in a show (specifically this show) has plastered a smile on my face for the past couple weeks. i've been running the songs through my head recently and have been singing along in the car whenever possible.
when i think about it, i feel that i relate well to belle. i'm a book-nerd who likes to keep an open mind. someone who's well-read and intelligent but who also has a good sense of imagination. someone who stands up for what she believes in and won't settle for a situation she doesn't agree with*. i don't know if the beautiful part is quite there, but hey... i clean up pretty well. ;)
my thoughts are, "what the hell... the worst they can tell you is no." i've heard it enough from people interviewing me for teaching positions, sadly, so why not audition/interview for something where i more or less expect them to say no?
wish me luck. :)
*i love prepositions at the end of sentences, btw... well, actually i don't, i just can't seem to get away from them. :)
the show is disney's beauty and the beast and i want to try out for belle. i know, i know... i've already raised my hopes infinitely higher than they should be, but thinking of the possibility of being in a show (specifically this show) has plastered a smile on my face for the past couple weeks. i've been running the songs through my head recently and have been singing along in the car whenever possible.
when i think about it, i feel that i relate well to belle. i'm a book-nerd who likes to keep an open mind. someone who's well-read and intelligent but who also has a good sense of imagination. someone who stands up for what she believes in and won't settle for a situation she doesn't agree with*. i don't know if the beautiful part is quite there, but hey... i clean up pretty well. ;)
my thoughts are, "what the hell... the worst they can tell you is no." i've heard it enough from people interviewing me for teaching positions, sadly, so why not audition/interview for something where i more or less expect them to say no?
wish me luck. :)
*i love prepositions at the end of sentences, btw... well, actually i don't, i just can't seem to get away from them. :)
Thursday, January 29, 2009
dancin' days are here again
jenny, mickey and i all partook in a haircut and color this past weekend -- a gift from mickey for christmas. i got my "new usual": an inverted bob, stacked in the back. i told the girl i wanted a purpley-red color... and i got exactly what i asked for. it's a bit bright, but i'm so in love with it. it definitely needs to be styled every day though, to keep up with the fashion-forward-ness of the color.
here's a picture of the ladies... and of course we're a walking joke: the blonde, the brunette, and the redhead. :)
to be self-deprecating for a moment: i love my girls, but i always look a little heavy next to these two.... and i know i've posted this beforeand you can't really tell with the coat, but at least i look better than in this photo:
the photo was taken about a year-and-a-half ago... and i've lost 15-20 pounds since then.... and kept it off. i think that's pretty good. maybe the photo above is not a good example... the photo below was taken a year after the photo above... no coat = better idea of what i'm talking about. i can totally see the difference, can you? ;)
working at joann's has been putting me on track to lose some more weight. moving all the boxes around and just being on my feet has encouraged my body to burn some of the reserved calories in my body. i weighed myself on sunday and i was 173.4... lighter than i've been in quite a long time. it's not flattering to admit this, but the little crease on my lower back that bothers the crap out of me has all but disappeared. other people have the little crease, right? anyway, my mom and i did a pilates video last night and i can definitely tell that it worked my core. i need to do more of that. :)
so dancing -- the title of the post. after having our hair 'did,' the ladies wanted to go to 'the dance bag,' a dance supply store in west chester. mickey bought some toe shoes, while jenny and i opted for some canvas dance sneakers. i've wanted a pair of these since i was on dance team in high school... they're extremely supportive and would allow me to try and learn double and triple spins... something i've also wanted for forever. :)
so we're in the process of trying to find an adult hip-hop class... where the instructors know what they're doing and aren't trying to be cool... :) we found a promising class in mason that's only $10/class, so maybe we'll try it out soon.
CW: 173.4
here's a picture of the ladies... and of course we're a walking joke: the blonde, the brunette, and the redhead. :)
to be self-deprecating for a moment: i love my girls, but i always look a little heavy next to these two.... and i know i've posted this beforeand you can't really tell with the coat, but at least i look better than in this photo:
the photo was taken about a year-and-a-half ago... and i've lost 15-20 pounds since then.... and kept it off. i think that's pretty good. maybe the photo above is not a good example... the photo below was taken a year after the photo above... no coat = better idea of what i'm talking about. i can totally see the difference, can you? ;)
working at joann's has been putting me on track to lose some more weight. moving all the boxes around and just being on my feet has encouraged my body to burn some of the reserved calories in my body. i weighed myself on sunday and i was 173.4... lighter than i've been in quite a long time. it's not flattering to admit this, but the little crease on my lower back that bothers the crap out of me has all but disappeared. other people have the little crease, right? anyway, my mom and i did a pilates video last night and i can definitely tell that it worked my core. i need to do more of that. :)so dancing -- the title of the post. after having our hair 'did,' the ladies wanted to go to 'the dance bag,' a dance supply store in west chester. mickey bought some toe shoes, while jenny and i opted for some canvas dance sneakers. i've wanted a pair of these since i was on dance team in high school... they're extremely supportive and would allow me to try and learn double and triple spins... something i've also wanted for forever. :)
so we're in the process of trying to find an adult hip-hop class... where the instructors know what they're doing and aren't trying to be cool... :) we found a promising class in mason that's only $10/class, so maybe we'll try it out soon.CW: 173.4
Friday, December 26, 2008
strep throat, a christmas story
ok, ok, i kid. i DID have strep within the past week but was over the illness by yesterday. it was most definitely not a fun time and if you've ever had strep, you will agree. :) i suppose this is what i get for subbing... little brats. j/k :)
i lost a bit of weight, but it was mostly just because i didn't eat for four days, save for some oatmeal... it's still good that i'm not gaining weight over the holidays though. i'm not feeling too many cravings for food now. maybe i'm still recovering from my illness, but i'm not stopping at fast food places and i'm not going crazy on food at restaurants. the only thing i've been stopping for is starbucks... so that's my little treat. i turned in all my coins to a coinstar for a starbucks card, so it really does feel like i'm treating myself... trying to ration that out. :)
CW: 174.4
i lost a bit of weight, but it was mostly just because i didn't eat for four days, save for some oatmeal... it's still good that i'm not gaining weight over the holidays though. i'm not feeling too many cravings for food now. maybe i'm still recovering from my illness, but i'm not stopping at fast food places and i'm not going crazy on food at restaurants. the only thing i've been stopping for is starbucks... so that's my little treat. i turned in all my coins to a coinstar for a starbucks card, so it really does feel like i'm treating myself... trying to ration that out. :)
CW: 174.4
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