on being a 'silly girl'

i've been incredibly busy since my last post... having two jobs and being in a show was definitely a struggle but i've found i can do anything temporarily, regardless of how much it takes out of me physically.

subbing was an amazing experience. i'm so thankful to have had the opportunity, since it had been awhile since I had last taught. i miss the kids already. it was my choice to teach the middle grades, and i love them, regardless of how difficult others may find the age group. it's a tough age but that's where i feel that i fit best. i hope to keep in contact with the principal and perhaps secure another assignment soon.

i've been having a great time working on 'beauty & the beast' for hamilton rotary as well though. i'm so glad i decided to audition. the experience is opening up my eyes to a new group of people and talents that were laying dormant within me that i feel i can no longer suppress.

my friends have been incredibly supportive with my musical and theatrical interests, as always. they enjoy indulging me by going to bars that offer karaoke on the weekends, even though some nights i'm the only one from the group that sings on-stage. as long as there's alcohol, they are SO there. :) they're super-excited to come see 'beauty & the beast', my first show since college.

my mom is giving me hell about driving over to hamilton three or four nights a week for rehearsal, since it's something for which i'm not being paid... but i think it's a necessary release for me to have in my life. plus, there are more expensive hobbies to be involved in (see 'knitting' and 'sewing'... lol).

i was never this invested in theatre before, so she's not really used to this. even though the desire was there, the confidence in my abilities was not. heck, it still may not be quite there, but i'm slowly crawling out from inside my hermit-crab shell. after receiving so much sincere encouragement in recent years, i don't think i need to be afraid anymore.

i remember my first time on-stage -- it's one of my clearest, earliest memories. i was three years old performing in a dance recital. you know, the ballet class where the girls basically just mimic the movements of their teacher, eyes glued to the orchestra pit. i don't know if i did a good job while on-stage, but i do remember the excitement before going out there, the backstage lights, the primping, the waiting-in-the-wings, the anticipation. when i got out there, i was blinded by the stage lights, and i anxiously squinted through them for my parents in the crowd, hoping that by making eye-contact with them, i could confirm that they were really watching me.

i relish the chance to be up on stage, even though it scares me witless sometimes. it's nice to feel an adrenaline rush, a good stress, as opposed to that of the daily grind. it's nice to show people something that i keep hidden most of the time.

as with all things in life, this is an experiment. the results are looking good so far and i'm happy with my progress. i'm so excited about what's to come!

a shift

i made it through the holidays with not too much harm done. and by holidays, i mean the entire period from halloween through new year's eve, since that was when i blogged last. i was in the middle of a life change, a shift if you will, and apparently i couldn't be bothered to write during that time. i find that when i'm loving life, there's not as much time for me to reflect on it, because i'm 'in it,' enjoying it, and prolonging it as much as possible. it's only when i trip, fall, and face-plant on the ground that i want to go back and say, "hey, that didn't go so well, did it?"

after a recent face-plant, i'm finding that i really just have to conquer myself. in the past couple months, i've battled the little voice that tried to tell me that i wouldn't get a part in 'beauty & the beast' (currently a 'silly girl' in a production in hamilton), the same voice that told me that i wouldn't get the long-term sub job (was hired after interviewing for ten minutes), the same voice that told me i was worthless even though i shouldn't feel responsible for other people's problems (a blog post for a different day).

it sucks. i'm really good at talking myself out of things because i don't feel capable or ready. i'm trying to stop the negative self-talk, just by being aware that it's there. it's bad enough already that it's nearly white-noise, constantly in the back of my head. it's only when i stop beating myself up about basically nothing that i will make true progress. i can still be realistic and cynical without tearing myself to pieces.

more progress

i'm down a couple more pounds from zumba this week. definitely hitting up the saturday morning class tomorrow. yeah it's early, but i'm going to keep going as long as i keep seeing results... kind of keeping in perpetual motion, i guess.

i do have two gripes about the class, despite the awesome weight-loss power it currently has over me:
- there's this spazz-tastic older lady that ALWAYS gets in my line of sight in class. normally people tend to stay in a central location so that everyone can see the instructor... she's all over the place! she's really quite comical, especially when we're doing the little booty-shaking moves. i mean, i guess it's not her fault that she doesn't have great rhythm... and i'm SURE i'm not performing perfect movements in class... but srsly? i wanted to move up to the front of the class during the last class but...
- there's also this lady who loudly popped her gum and chewed it like a cow throughout the workout... one of my BIGGEST pet-peeves... like, enough to strangle someone, honestly. wouldn't that interfere with your oxygen flow or your coordination during the workout? luckily the music is pretty loud, so from the back of the room, i couldn't hear her.

luckily though, neither the spazz or the chomper have been to every class. also luckily, i'm finally picking up on a lot of the moves and combos, having been to a few more classes. i'm still enjoying them immensely and i was literally dripping sweat after my last class. the tuesday instuctor is really cool, playing the ghostbusters' theme song, then thanking us for indulging her. i can't wait to get moving again. :)

CW: 175.4

zumba

i'll say it. i love zumba. i feel so good after dancing for 60 minutes and i think that it's truly helping me finally get back on-track with my weight-loss. i'm so glad i decided to join fitworks. i plan on going to zumba three times a week - either mornings or aftenoons on tuesday and thursday, and either saturday or sunday, schedule permitting...

i'd like to lose 30 lbs by sometime in april... well 27 lbs now that i'm down to 177 lbs. april is the deadline because the girls and i are planning on doing a 'pinup photo shoot' and i'd like to look and feel my best.

let me break down the weight-loss so i can set some goals for myself. i'd like to be about 165 by christmas. it's a good halfway point for the weight i'd like to lose and the time period that i've set for myself. the thing is, the first week of april is 27 weeks away. this means that i still need to lose about a pound each week to be able to achieve my goal. for the past few weeks, i have lost about a pound per week. i'm going to keep doing what i've been doing until i hit a plateau and continue from there.

i've been so pleased by the changes i've seen so far. i feel healthier and i look healthier already. the inward curve of my waist is becoming more defined, things are a bit more lifted and pulled in, i feel more energized and stronger. i'm able to see a sparkle in my eyes that's been absent for far too long (see photo). i'm so excited for what the future will bring.

CW: 177.0

back to the gym

i joined fitworks about two weeks ago, despite the stagnant money situation. the difference between now and the last time i was a gym member (@ urban active) is that i'm paying $20 less/month and the contract is month-to-month. i LOVE the zumba classes and honestly feel that i can tell a difference in my body after taking only a few of the classes. i also LOVE the whirlpool in the spa area... well-kept, good temperature, relaxing atmosphere. it's a nice place to de-stress and will be an amazing way to defrost my chilled body (aka the kristensicle) come winter. :)

i lost about a pound and a half within the first week or so. it may have been just water-weight but i'll take it. my goal is to hit the gym three times a week. it's a start. my body has pretty good muscle-memory from what i can tell. i'm not saying this will be easy, i just know that exercise and eating more moderately are the keys to weight-loss and i'm glad that i'm reinserting the exercise back into my routine.

CW: 178.4

bts

'bts' for most students and teachers means 'back to school.' for me it means 'back to subbing'.... point blank: it sucks. i was really hoping to have the opportunity to teach this year but as of late, the right opportunity has not presented itself. i had one interview this year... but i didn't feel comfortable in the school or in the area of the school... and i think i'd be shooting myself in the foot if i took a job that was anything like my experience last fall. i just couldn't do it. i wasn't able to thrive in that setting. many people probably could but it was not for me, and not meant to be.

one thing is crystal clear to me: i have to get out of my house. it's slowly killing me and hindering my job search capabilities, my confidence, and my well-being. my mom is currently the bane of my existence and i can't take her criticisms as well-meaning anymore... she's not helping and she's not understanding that she's not helping. earlier this morning: "with you alone, i have over $50,000 in school loans to pay... if i would have known that you would be working minimum wage after graduating college, you probably didn't need to go."

you know what? although i'd love to teach, not everyone works within the field of their degree. and something else? i work my ass of for my $7.30 an hour... i know that i'm capable of more and i've been filling out applications. i'm just tired of hearing "no." the constant "no" keeps me from applying for more jobs. i know it's stupid but i can't push hard enough to get past the friction force necessary to get moving again...

update: i had a fight with my mom just now... she'll probably only remember for a few hours... i don't think she got my point, but she's knows i'm just as frustrated as she is.

i want to teach. i want to explore. i want to see the world. and this pond is feeling a little small.

i have no idea what i'm going to do.

still losing it...

... i wish that i was losing weight instead of my head though.

i'm still without a classroom, and therefore without a steady source of income. while it's stressful enough going from having two jobs with 55 hours worked per week to one job with 15 hours worked per week, i got the inevitable, predictable questions from my mom just after i came back from florida, along with this one: "do you have any plans, jobwise?" and then the lecture... "i can't believe i'm paying off [her part of] your school loans and you don't have a teaching job yet. i'm so glad you're doing something with your degree. you should feel glad that i don't charge you rent or haven't kicked you out yet." in all honesty, i'd probably be happier on the street. if this is her idea of a pep talk, it's definitely not helping. she thinks she's helping and she's not. each time i tell her she's not helping, she forgets or just tunes it out.... it's so frustrating.

i KNOW. it's ridiculous that a 25-year-old is unable to support herself. i really thought that i would at least have a good job and be out in the world... have an "adult job" by now. i'm frankly upset with myself quite often because i feel that i sabotage myself due to fear of rejection. and when i do try something, i do hear "no" quite a bit. i grow tired of that word...

i am SO thankful for my friends and coworkers... the people who encourage me and tell me i'm on the right track instead of cutting me down. i DO have a lot to offer. i AM worth something. "i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and gosh-darnit, people like me"... okay, so maybe the stuart smalley quote is taking it too far... ;)

i need positivity. not positivity where it would be unwarranted... just a healthy dose of 'happy.' i would really like to do something with my voice, whether in a band or for a production... i have a great desire to express myself on stage and i'm finally letting that part of myself tentatively step out into the light. i feel that i would be stifling a big part of me if i denied myself this.

i've been screwing around on a karaoke site lately: singsnap.com
here's my page: http://www.singsnap.com/snap/profile/recordings/b5110f0e
it's free, it's fun, and even as a non-paying member, you can record up to 100 songs. i've been doing this for a couple months now and i haven't reached the limit. go take a listen... i'd be interested to hear what you think. :) there's a variety of songs on the singsnap site... and while most of it is your typical karaoke fare, the songs are fun and you may find a bunch of songs you forgot about that you love. i sure did. ;)

CW: 178