my mom and i got into another fight on thursday night when i refused to look at the employment section of the newspaper. she asked why i wasn't going to look and i told her that we had talked about this before -- i was going to sub daily until mason middle school needed me in may, then i would temp over the summer.... well, that was apparently too much for her...
she told me that i was just playing around and that at nearly 27 years-old, i needed to get serious about finding a full-time job. don't i want a house like ali? i apparently need to get a job with benefits regardless of whether it's in my field or makes me happy. a job that could prevent me from getting a teaching job in the fall. she said that if i'm staying around here, i'm not going to find a teaching job around here for a long time and that i should feel lucky to take anything that comes my way, regardless of the field it's in. she said that i'm treating my room as a dorm room and that i don't help to clean the rest of the house. that i'm a liability to anyone that would want to take me in since i'm broke.
you know what? it's true. i will be a liability to my friends until i find some gainful employment. the good thing is that i'm subbing again at mason middle school sometime in may until the end of the school year. i'm hoping to make a good impression on the principal again. the fact that she said she wanted me for this assignment and didn't want me to interview once more bodes well for me.
currently, there's far too much resentment between my mother and i for me to continue living at my house. it's like having a roommate for 26 years... we're just at each other's throats all the time and it's not worth it. i will not sit around to receive lectures on why i'm a loser three or four times a week anymore.... and then be made to feel guilty when she gets lonely and wants me to hang out with her more. are you kidding?!? why would i hang out with her when she makes me feel like sh*t?!
i can put up with a lot. i'm usually incredibly patient... to a fault. i've hit my breaking point though, and i'm not dealing with this anymore. the floodgates are open and there's no turning back.
a ton of my stuff is currently at jenny's from the last time i moved a good majority of my stuff out... but it does take up quite a bit of the room. due to current developments with mickey, an empty room with a full bathroom is being offered to me. i think i'm going to accept it. getting over my guilt about not being able to split the rent evenly will be difficult. the important part is that both jenny and mickey want me to be happy, and that's so encouraging to me. i couldn't ask for better friends.
it wasn't till i was in vegas with my girls that i realized how often i put myself down, how often i tell myself i'm not worth it, how often i needlessly sabotage myself by thinking these things. it's horrible. ie: when we were in vegas, i tried on a dress at 'bettie page', a pinup clothing store we found. the girls almost cried when they saw me try on a specific dress (this one in black&white) because they said i looked so pretty... when i tried on a teal cocktail-dress before i left for vegas, my mom was nearly in tears... but not because i've made so much progress from zumba. it was because i spent money on a dress when i shouldn't have... because "won't it be great when you have some money from working and you can afford nice things?"
i'm making progress, regardless of if my mom sees it. i can't please her if nothing is ever good enough, so i need to stop trying to reach her expectations of me. i have a good feeling about the direction of my life right now. i'm not able to wait until i have the funds to move out. the time is now. i need to break myself of the cycle, break out of the quicksand, and jumpstart my ego and my psyche.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
it's almost here!
after rehearsing for the past few months (and dealing with all the snow-day hoopla), 'beauty and the beast' is almost ready. we'll be going through fittings and dress-rehearsals for the next couple days, and we'll actually be able to see the set in the venue where we'll perform. it'll be so great to finally have people see how hard we've been working!
since i've been rehearsing for the play, i've cut back my availability at joann's. i didn't think they'd cut my hours all the way back to 7/week.... so of course my mom jumps at the chance to make me feel bad about not working and how i'm a loser that can't find a full-time job... no, seriously, i'll copy the email if you'd like.
tensions are running high in the house and if i wasn't hopelessly caught in this catch-22, i'd be out of here quicker than you know. it's frustrating... and i'm so tired of being frustrated. i just don't know what i can do that i haven't tried yet.
we haven't talked for the past couple days, probably because we both know that any conversation will devolve to "did you look at the job websites? did you look for non-teaching jobs? you know you're going to have to look for something outside your field if you want to survive, right? how do you expect to support yourself?"
i know my mom's birthday is approaching and she's not happy with living in cincy longer than she intended. she'd be down in alabama with ali and my dad if she felt safe selling the house. i know she wants to see me do well and support myself. i see where she's coming from. cutting me down though is not the way to get me feeling good about myself and confident enough to interview. even if she never says anything, her voice is there in my head telling me that i'm worthless, and it sucks, it really does. i hate it.
here's my point-of-view that she never listens to: (1) now is the time when schools post jobs for next year. i don't want to spend my time searching for jobs outside of the teaching field if i am spending a ton of time looking for teaching jobs. (2) drc is starting and now that i'm up to a decent rate of pay, it doesn't make sense to look for temp-ing jobs where i'll be paid less. drc will go through june and i'm not going to get a job for a month or two (july and august) and potentially leave it for a school job. (3) i'm still in contact with a principal regarding a long-term assignment coming up at the end of april.
and lastly, what if writing about this kind of stuff only gets me more stressed out? thank god i have a getaway coming up...
since i've been rehearsing for the play, i've cut back my availability at joann's. i didn't think they'd cut my hours all the way back to 7/week.... so of course my mom jumps at the chance to make me feel bad about not working and how i'm a loser that can't find a full-time job... no, seriously, i'll copy the email if you'd like.
tensions are running high in the house and if i wasn't hopelessly caught in this catch-22, i'd be out of here quicker than you know. it's frustrating... and i'm so tired of being frustrated. i just don't know what i can do that i haven't tried yet.
we haven't talked for the past couple days, probably because we both know that any conversation will devolve to "did you look at the job websites? did you look for non-teaching jobs? you know you're going to have to look for something outside your field if you want to survive, right? how do you expect to support yourself?"
i know my mom's birthday is approaching and she's not happy with living in cincy longer than she intended. she'd be down in alabama with ali and my dad if she felt safe selling the house. i know she wants to see me do well and support myself. i see where she's coming from. cutting me down though is not the way to get me feeling good about myself and confident enough to interview. even if she never says anything, her voice is there in my head telling me that i'm worthless, and it sucks, it really does. i hate it.
here's my point-of-view that she never listens to: (1) now is the time when schools post jobs for next year. i don't want to spend my time searching for jobs outside of the teaching field if i am spending a ton of time looking for teaching jobs. (2) drc is starting and now that i'm up to a decent rate of pay, it doesn't make sense to look for temp-ing jobs where i'll be paid less. drc will go through june and i'm not going to get a job for a month or two (july and august) and potentially leave it for a school job. (3) i'm still in contact with a principal regarding a long-term assignment coming up at the end of april.
and lastly, what if writing about this kind of stuff only gets me more stressed out? thank god i have a getaway coming up...
Monday, March 1, 2010
tv therapy
it's true, the blog title may just be one of the craziest thoughts i've had in awhile. i watched celebrity rehab last week that featured mackenzie phillips putting down her dog, who in his old age had gone blind and had diabetes. it was a hard episode for me to watch, even though it's been a few years since my dog had passed away.
and once i opened the floodgates everything just came out. i lost my shit, i'm not gonna lie. i thought of mocha and how much i miss her, how we didn't even get to make that decision for her because she left on her own.
in general, i thought about how much pain i've felt in relationships when i finally let someone in and something bad happens. i thought about how i hold many people at a distance until i really get to know them, possibly just to cut down on the potential loss i'd feel if they left me somehow. it's incredibly hard to open yourself up again after experiencing such a damaging blow.
-----------------------------------------------------
i do have many things in my life to anticipate though:
and once i opened the floodgates everything just came out. i lost my shit, i'm not gonna lie. i thought of mocha and how much i miss her, how we didn't even get to make that decision for her because she left on her own.
in general, i thought about how much pain i've felt in relationships when i finally let someone in and something bad happens. i thought about how i hold many people at a distance until i really get to know them, possibly just to cut down on the potential loss i'd feel if they left me somehow. it's incredibly hard to open yourself up again after experiencing such a damaging blow.
-----------------------------------------------------
i do have many things in my life to anticipate though:
- the vegas trip is booked
- the show will go into tech week soon enough and show dates are march 17-21
- i may have another long-term sub job soon, and if not, i still have drc till june/july
Saturday, February 13, 2010
on being a 'silly girl'
i've been incredibly busy since my last post... having two jobs and being in a show was definitely a struggle but i've found i can do anything temporarily, regardless of how much it takes out of me physically.
subbing was an amazing experience. i'm so thankful to have had the opportunity, since it had been awhile since I had last taught. i miss the kids already. it was my choice to teach the middle grades, and i love them, regardless of how difficult others may find the age group. it's a tough age but that's where i feel that i fit best. i hope to keep in contact with the principal and perhaps secure another assignment soon.
i've been having a great time working on 'beauty & the beast' for hamilton rotary as well though. i'm so glad i decided to audition. the experience is opening up my eyes to a new group of people and talents that were laying dormant within me that i feel i can no longer suppress.
my friends have been incredibly supportive with my musical and theatrical interests, as always. they enjoy indulging me by going to bars that offer karaoke on the weekends, even though some nights i'm the only one from the group that sings on-stage. as long as there's alcohol, they are SO there. :) they're super-excited to come see 'beauty & the beast', my first show since college.
my mom is giving me hell about driving over to hamilton three or four nights a week for rehearsal, since it's something for which i'm not being paid... but i think it's a necessary release for me to have in my life. plus, there are more expensive hobbies to be involved in (see 'knitting' and 'sewing'... lol).
i was never this invested in theatre before, so she's not really used to this. even though the desire was there, the confidence in my abilities was not. heck, it still may not be quite there, but i'm slowly crawling out from inside my hermit-crab shell. after receiving so much sincere encouragement in recent years, i don't think i need to be afraid anymore.
i remember my first time on-stage -- it's one of my clearest, earliest memories. i was three years old performing in a dance recital. you know, the ballet class where the girls basically just mimic the movements of their teacher, eyes glued to the orchestra pit. i don't know if i did a good job while on-stage, but i do remember the excitement before going out there, the backstage lights, the primping, the waiting-in-the-wings, the anticipation. when i got out there, i was blinded by the stage lights, and i anxiously squinted through them for my parents in the crowd, hoping that by making eye-contact with them, i could confirm that they were really watching me.
i relish the chance to be up on stage, even though it scares me witless sometimes. it's nice to feel an adrenaline rush, a good stress, as opposed to that of the daily grind. it's nice to show people something that i keep hidden most of the time.
as with all things in life, this is an experiment. the results are looking good so far and i'm happy with my progress. i'm so excited about what's to come!
subbing was an amazing experience. i'm so thankful to have had the opportunity, since it had been awhile since I had last taught. i miss the kids already. it was my choice to teach the middle grades, and i love them, regardless of how difficult others may find the age group. it's a tough age but that's where i feel that i fit best. i hope to keep in contact with the principal and perhaps secure another assignment soon.
i've been having a great time working on 'beauty & the beast' for hamilton rotary as well though. i'm so glad i decided to audition. the experience is opening up my eyes to a new group of people and talents that were laying dormant within me that i feel i can no longer suppress.
my friends have been incredibly supportive with my musical and theatrical interests, as always. they enjoy indulging me by going to bars that offer karaoke on the weekends, even though some nights i'm the only one from the group that sings on-stage. as long as there's alcohol, they are SO there. :) they're super-excited to come see 'beauty & the beast', my first show since college.
my mom is giving me hell about driving over to hamilton three or four nights a week for rehearsal, since it's something for which i'm not being paid... but i think it's a necessary release for me to have in my life. plus, there are more expensive hobbies to be involved in (see 'knitting' and 'sewing'... lol).
i was never this invested in theatre before, so she's not really used to this. even though the desire was there, the confidence in my abilities was not. heck, it still may not be quite there, but i'm slowly crawling out from inside my hermit-crab shell. after receiving so much sincere encouragement in recent years, i don't think i need to be afraid anymore.
i remember my first time on-stage -- it's one of my clearest, earliest memories. i was three years old performing in a dance recital. you know, the ballet class where the girls basically just mimic the movements of their teacher, eyes glued to the orchestra pit. i don't know if i did a good job while on-stage, but i do remember the excitement before going out there, the backstage lights, the primping, the waiting-in-the-wings, the anticipation. when i got out there, i was blinded by the stage lights, and i anxiously squinted through them for my parents in the crowd, hoping that by making eye-contact with them, i could confirm that they were really watching me.
i relish the chance to be up on stage, even though it scares me witless sometimes. it's nice to feel an adrenaline rush, a good stress, as opposed to that of the daily grind. it's nice to show people something that i keep hidden most of the time.
as with all things in life, this is an experiment. the results are looking good so far and i'm happy with my progress. i'm so excited about what's to come!
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
a shift
i made it through the holidays with not too much harm done. and by holidays, i mean the entire period from halloween through new year's eve, since that was when i blogged last. i was in the middle of a life change, a shift if you will, and apparently i couldn't be bothered to write during that time. i find that when i'm loving life, there's not as much time for me to reflect on it, because i'm 'in it,' enjoying it, and prolonging it as much as possible. it's only when i trip, fall, and face-plant on the ground that i want to go back and say, "hey, that didn't go so well, did it?"
after a recent face-plant, i'm finding that i really just have to conquer myself. in the past couple months, i've battled the little voice that tried to tell me that i wouldn't get a part in 'beauty & the beast' (currently a 'silly girl' in a production in hamilton), the same voice that told me that i wouldn't get the long-term sub job (was hired after interviewing for ten minutes), the same voice that told me i was worthless even though i shouldn't feel responsible for other people's problems (a blog post for a different day).
it sucks. i'm really good at talking myself out of things because i don't feel capable or ready. i'm trying to stop the negative self-talk, just by being aware that it's there. it's bad enough already that it's nearly white-noise, constantly in the back of my head. it's only when i stop beating myself up about basically nothing that i will make true progress. i can still be realistic and cynical without tearing myself to pieces.
after a recent face-plant, i'm finding that i really just have to conquer myself. in the past couple months, i've battled the little voice that tried to tell me that i wouldn't get a part in 'beauty & the beast' (currently a 'silly girl' in a production in hamilton), the same voice that told me that i wouldn't get the long-term sub job (was hired after interviewing for ten minutes), the same voice that told me i was worthless even though i shouldn't feel responsible for other people's problems (a blog post for a different day).
it sucks. i'm really good at talking myself out of things because i don't feel capable or ready. i'm trying to stop the negative self-talk, just by being aware that it's there. it's bad enough already that it's nearly white-noise, constantly in the back of my head. it's only when i stop beating myself up about basically nothing that i will make true progress. i can still be realistic and cynical without tearing myself to pieces.
Friday, October 16, 2009
more progress
i'm down a couple more pounds from zumba this week. definitely hitting up the saturday morning class tomorrow. yeah it's early, but i'm going to keep going as long as i keep seeing results... kind of keeping in perpetual motion, i guess.
i do have two gripes about the class, despite the awesome weight-loss power it currently has over me:
- there's this spazz-tastic older lady that ALWAYS gets in my line of sight in class. normally people tend to stay in a central location so that everyone can see the instructor... she's all over the place! she's really quite comical, especially when we're doing the little booty-shaking moves. i mean, i guess it's not her fault that she doesn't have great rhythm... and i'm SURE i'm not performing perfect movements in class... but srsly? i wanted to move up to the front of the class during the last class but...
- there's also this lady who loudly popped her gum and chewed it like a cow throughout the workout... one of my BIGGEST pet-peeves... like, enough to strangle someone, honestly. wouldn't that interfere with your oxygen flow or your coordination during the workout? luckily the music is pretty loud, so from the back of the room, i couldn't hear her.
luckily though, neither the spazz or the chomper have been to every class. also luckily, i'm finally picking up on a lot of the moves and combos, having been to a few more classes. i'm still enjoying them immensely and i was literally dripping sweat after my last class. the tuesday instuctor is really cool, playing the ghostbusters' theme song, then thanking us for indulging her. i can't wait to get moving again. :)
CW: 175.4
i do have two gripes about the class, despite the awesome weight-loss power it currently has over me:
- there's this spazz-tastic older lady that ALWAYS gets in my line of sight in class. normally people tend to stay in a central location so that everyone can see the instructor... she's all over the place! she's really quite comical, especially when we're doing the little booty-shaking moves. i mean, i guess it's not her fault that she doesn't have great rhythm... and i'm SURE i'm not performing perfect movements in class... but srsly? i wanted to move up to the front of the class during the last class but...
- there's also this lady who loudly popped her gum and chewed it like a cow throughout the workout... one of my BIGGEST pet-peeves... like, enough to strangle someone, honestly. wouldn't that interfere with your oxygen flow or your coordination during the workout? luckily the music is pretty loud, so from the back of the room, i couldn't hear her.
luckily though, neither the spazz or the chomper have been to every class. also luckily, i'm finally picking up on a lot of the moves and combos, having been to a few more classes. i'm still enjoying them immensely and i was literally dripping sweat after my last class. the tuesday instuctor is really cool, playing the ghostbusters' theme song, then thanking us for indulging her. i can't wait to get moving again. :)
CW: 175.4
Monday, October 12, 2009
zumba
i'll say it. i love zumba. i feel so good after dancing for 60 minutes and i think that it's truly helping me finally get back on-track with my weight-loss. i'm so glad i decided to join fitworks. i plan on going to zumba three times a week - either mornings or aftenoons on tuesday and thursday, and either saturday or sunday, schedule permitting...
i'd like to lose 30 lbs by sometime in april... well 27 lbs now that i'm down to 177 lbs. april is the deadline because the girls and i are planning on doing a 'pinup photo shoot' and i'd like to look and feel my best.
let me break down the weight-loss so i can set some goals for myself. i'd like to be about 165 by christmas. it's a good halfway point for the weight i'd like to lose and the time period that i've set for myself. the thing is, the first week of april is 27 weeks away. this means that i still need to lose about a pound each week to be able to achieve my goal. for the past few weeks, i have lost about a pound per week. i'm going to keep doing what i've been doing until i hit a plateau and continue from there.
i've been so pleased by the changes i've seen so far. i feel healthier and i look healthier already. the inward curve of my waist is becoming more defined, things are a bit more lifted and pulled in, i feel more energized and stronger. i'm able to see a sparkle in my eyes that's been absent for far too long (see photo). i'm so excited for what the future will bring.
CW: 177.0
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