Regaining Some Semblance Of Control

Hello! It's been awhile. I didn't want to post during the time when I was gaining weight and/or becoming an all-around bucket of fail. I was also trying to find a teaching position, and now said teaching position has been taking up a ton of time.... Hopefully this at least partially explains my absence.

In recent years, I had gained quite a bit of weight. My last blog post where I actually stated my weight, it was around 200 lbs. That was in 2011. I skyrocketed up to 230 lbs. in 2013 as a result of being lazy, eating too much, and giving in stress-eating in general along with wanting to escape from my place in life at the time.... I just wanted to lay in the fetal position after coming home from work and blocking out the world. The relationship I was in at the time didn't help things. The world was placed on my shoulders, and I crumbled under the pressure as I was getting no respite other than verbal support from my SO, no help monetarily and no help in the daily practice of trying to get healthy after we had talked about making positive changes in our lives.

I just remember feeling so big at the time. I didn't like having photos taken and just wanted to hide from the world. I knew something needed to change, knew what to do to make the change, but didn't have the wherewithal to persist through the challenge. Daily life was enough of a struggle. I didn't know what to do and felt overwhelmed.

Before: ~220 lbs. (Early 2013)

Before: Top weight of 228 lbs. (Fall 2013)

In the top photo, I remember seeing the picture after it was taken and feeling so disappointed in myself due to the roundness in my face and the general width of my body. I didn't feel healthy either, of course. I felt beautiful in the second photo, which is kind of odd since I was at my highest weight. It was a night where I performed with a local dance troupe though, and performing is one of my biggest passions. Again though, when I saw the photos afterward, I was disheartened by how big I looked and I hit my rock bottom.

Since that point/during the past year or so, I've lost thirty pounds. Most of that has been lost since July (20 lbs, lost in six months). There were a few stutter starts and periods of slow progress, but I feel like I'm regaining a bit of control over some of the situations in my life. I am thankful for all of the circumstances and people that helped me and supported me in my effort to lose some weight, as it showed me that I CAN make goals and, more importantly, achieve those goals.

After: ~200 lbs. (Late 2014)

I'd still like to lose about twenty pounds, but I'm proud of the progress that I've made. I can see my waist and my cheekbones and chin again. I'm less jiggly and walk with greater ease. When I carry something heavy, I think of the weight I could still have packed on my frame and it's no wonder I was tired at my top weight -- that's a ton of weight to lug around! Every day, I crawl, scrape, and climb a little further out of the hole that I dug for myself. It's not easy and takes daily mindfulness to stay on track, but I seem to have a handle on the process.

The weight loss has helped my confidence in other areas of my life too. The momentum built from a job well done is contagious and I'm trying to siphon that positivity into my work life and possibly (eventually) my dating life. Not quite ready yet for all that though. Ain't nobody got time....

I hope to write more in this blog. I can at least use this post in particular to celebrate success rather than bemoan a backpedaling! Onward and upward. :)

CW: 198.4

Into The Wild

I posted this to Facebook the other day, but it seemed long and maybe deserved to be on this blog that tends to fall into disrepair.... :)

I saw this quote on Tumblr tonight and it really hit home. It's lengthy but worth the read. It describes why I'm struggling to find my way right now.... And why I'm making choices that some may deem reckless.

I'm not always going to desire change on such a grand scale, but if things are not functioning well in their current state, changes must be made. I refuse to give in to complacency when I know I can do better.

TBH, after having a major, still-way-too-recent breakup and three moves in the past year and a half, I'm a little over change and the stress it can bring.... I've been excited recently, like I'm building momentum. One major life transition at a time though. I'm just trying to push through without fear and hesitation. Next is improving the job situation.

"Make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty."

Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

I can't even....

And it's in the darkest stretch of the night when I'm just so disgusted and tired of myself that I can't even take it anymore....
And even though I try to be as independent as possible and chart my own path, I feel abandoned and lost.
And when what you were waiting for was not what you had hoped. It didn't have to be all you had hoped, just somewhat akin to it.
And when trying to get yourself to a happier place involves so many false starts, dead end, and a slim-to-none chance of digging yourself out of the labyrith.

It's in these moments when I need to refresh the concept of "love of your fate," but when you're in the thick of it, it's the hardest thing to do and remember: telling yourself that whatever happens, this is what you need in that moment.

Best Me

This is a short post. I just wanted to write down for posterity that I'm just going to try to be the best me that I can be. It's sounds very Stuart Smalley, but it's true. I'm not the 'best me' right now, but I'm making strides to work towards that... and I feel less stressed because of it.

Weight-wise, I'm the heaviest I've ever been. I lost myself over the past year and let myself become weighed down by multiple burdens and the weight of the world. Now is the time to get back to being me, hence this post about the 'best me.'

I'm starting again, and I'm likely going to need a bit of encouragement. Any and all motivation is appreciated!

I Need Help!

So after revving my engines and speeding towards good intentions, once more I've fallen victim to frustration after attempting to lose weight and get healthy.

My help this time is coming in the form of a former coworker that offered to supply me with an eating plan and exercise regime. This is going to be incredibly valuable because as much as I'm still gung ho about working out and everything, I definitely needed a better plan of attack.

Today is Day 1.... Well more like 1/2 because I purchased all my food earlier today.

Starting at 206 lbs. This is part of why I got frustrated before. While embarking on my plan last time, I lost some fat and gained some muscle... a decent amount of muscle considering I gained weight while working out and eating better. This time I'm on a meal plan that actually has me eating quite often... I just can't let myself do a convenience stop at a fast food place... or let myself go to a restaurant and go off-plan... oh how their neon signs entice me.... :)

I feel like every time I gain weight, I hit a reset point wherein my body refuses and fights so hard to keep me at whatever weight I become. It gets higher each time. I just have to remind myself that I'm not starting from a complete stop and that I've already laid the foundation for this current quest.

Resetting again dedication-wise and going for the gold.

Misophonia

I've had this quirk since fifth grade and I think it's finally time to talk about it. I used to think that maybe I just had a lot of pet-peeves... and I still think I do, but mainly want to address my sound-related pet-peeves.

Recently, there has been increasing talk of something called "misophonia." 

From the Wikipedia article:

Misophonia, literally “hatred of sound,” is a form of decreased sound tolerance. People who have misophonia are most commonly annoyed, or even enraged, by such ordinary sounds as other people eating, breathing, sniffing, or coughing; certain consonants; or repetitive sounds. Though a few sufferers are bothered by sounds they make themselves, most are not. The reactions are completely involuntary.

People who have misophonia may also be annoyed by other people's repetitive movements, such as leg-tapping, nail-biting, the rising and falling of the belly, and typing.

It is important to note that sensitivity to the offending sounds is often far more severe when the origin of the sound comes from a person emotionally connected to the sufferer.

From the ABC.com site:

Do you think you have misophonia? Here are the major symptoms of misophonia, also known as selective sound sensitivity, as explained by Dr. Marsha Johnson:

• Presence of “trigger sounds” which evoke strong emotional or physical reactions, generally limited to a few sounds. Most common are eating or breathing noises.
• Onset is often in childhood. Most common time is puberty.
• Preference for louder sounds or louder noise environments.
• Logic or reason does not change reactions to trigger sounds.
• Often misdiagnosed as psychological disorders, but has a physiological mechanism, in reality.

Sufferers often structure their lives in order to avoid trigger sounds, isolating themselves from society. There is no cure, but there are treatments. More information is available at www.misophonia-provider.com.

My main triggers since the onset of this condition have been a person eating with his or her mouth open (and the crunching or slurping that results), gum chewing/popping/smacking, and nail-biting. 

It's interesting that I can now refer to it as a medical... thing. I think in this case 'condition' is a better word than 'disease.' I definitely relate to the feeling of isolation described... and the fact that when faced with the fight-0r-flight feeling, I fly to avoid a confrontation or a release of rage. I also relate to enjoying environments with louder noises, as they tend to cover up the little noises that threaten to turn me into The Hulk.

• It started with leaving the dinner table early to avoid dealing with the noises. 
• I started wearing earplugs when I went to sleep so that I could fall asleep within a normal amount of time without being bothered by TV noises filtering up to the second floor. 
• I dropped a class in college because a rude, gum-popper was in it who was also in a previous class of mine. Even though I really needed to take the class, my anxiety and stress-response won out. I was not sitting through that again.
• I also have an issue with bass noises, whether within a building or in a car outside. I'd be fine if I could hear the rest of the music. In college, outside of the dorms, I had a stereo war with a neighbor over this. Childish? Yes. I was so frustrated though and had already told him to turn it down multiple times by then.
• I carry earplugs with me when I go out, so that I can tune out noises if I need to. This means that movies aren't as full of an experience for me, and why I'd just rather not go. If I can still hear a person popping gum or whatever with the earplugs in, they are truly ridiculous, beyond help, and I exit whatever situation I'm in ASAP.

If I've never talked to you about this, it's because I didn't want to risk a friendship over something that I wish didn't bother me. There's only one person that I know that truly understands the depth and magnitude of misophonia, and I'm so glad we can at least vent to each other about this stuff. (Cheaper than therapy! *Pound it!* ;))

20/20 aired a segment recently that delved a bit deeper into misophonia. (Click the link -- I wasn't able to embed it in this post. Also, don't worry, the segment doesn't span the full episode.) The first girl they interview is probably the most severe case that I've seen. I'm just glad my ears aren't quite that sensitive. The man in the middle part of the segment is a pretty typical case. The full video that he created is shown below. They also interview Kelly Ripa who also suffers from misophonia.

I relate so well to the guy in the office setting. When these sounds are present, I feel like screaming or totally vacating the situation. It's not easy to cope with when you're at work though. I also appreciate Kelly Ripa putting herself out there regarding the condition.

I know this is frustrating. My mom and dad think I'm nuts and refuse to even watch the 20/20 clip. I think they'd rather just believe I'm crazy at this point....

To those of you who still feel like this is something I need to get over, think about something that angers, infuriates, enrages, or even frightens you and imagine someone telling you to "just get over it." It's a gut-response, and it's something that we become more sensitive to as the years go by. Like I've said, I wish this didn't bother me. Perhaps if you've made it this far in the post though, you've gained deeper insight to how much of an issue this can be and why having more people conscious of misophonia can be so helpful.

Reset

Life gets in the way. For me recently, even with the purest intentions and motivation, life has stressed the heck out of me and has decided to fly by  me at light-speed (ludicrous speed?). This always results in not enough trips to the gym and an unhappy (and still overweight) me. I get into trouble when I go out to try to let off some steam, when 'enjoying myself' leads to a drink or two. It's a ton of calories and I'm fully aware of it, but yet I still indulge myself. Do I deserve it? I definitely deserve to be less stressed, but I really don't think it helps in the long run. It's just as easy for me to go without drinking though, and I have. It's just more likely that I'll have a few after a particularly long day.

I'm setting specific goals this time. I'm hitting the gym three times a week, minimum. I'll work on resistance training on all three days, and one of the days will always be Saturday, so that I can attend the morning Zumba class. If I get there more often, then that's awesome, but I must hit three days/week. I've been eating Lean Cuisines for lunch and have been avoiding fast food for the past week, so that's a good start. I really don't want to have to start counting calories, but if I don't see any progress in the next week or two, I will start. I will strive to be 175 lbs (~30 lbs) by my birthday, August 26th.

Now that this band thing is rolling, I need to be in top form to be able to perform. I think I mentioned this before, but I don't feel like my lung capacity is where it once was. Hopefully I will gain some of that back with a little cardio and some weight loss. Just for image's sake too, I'd love to drop a few pounds, but I'm definitely focusing on health and gaining muscle.

I'll be starting up the video blog soon too. Would like to see some visible changes through that medium.

CW: 205.6 (Ugh.)