end-of-the-year update

haven't blogged for awhile, haven't been to the gym in awhile -- it's so bad. i'm going back as soon as my broken toe heals. i hurt it a couple days ago and it's purple... and hurts when i walk. i'm in a major funk and it sucks.
i'm changing the b.c. that i take, since i think that it really affects my mood in a negative way. when i started taking b.c. in high school for acne, i remember starting to feel depressed, on edge, and like i could cry at any second. every day wasn't like that, but more days were like that than there should have been. i'm like that even more now and i hate it.
the holidays stress me out though, too. even though they're pretty much over, i still have this feeling of dread, possibly because i think of all the things that should have been accomplished this past year, regardless of if i had control over them or not... my mom thinks i need medication and she agreed to pay for it, since i don't have any insurance right now. i just want to stop feeling crappy. i hate feeling this way and trying to make excuses for it, especially when i'm out with friends and stuff. i try to stay in the moment and have fun, but if i slide into that zone while i'm out, i'm sure that i'm not that fun to hang out with. i just want to know how to fix it.
i'm trying to focus on my near future, which will be more positive: interviewing for a job, possibly getting a long-term job for the rest of this school year, potentially going back to school for winter quarter to get my reading endorsement, moving out to an apartment eventually.
i just feel so stuck sometimes....

breaking through barriers

i was sick yesterday with a pretty horrendous migraine... i didn't eat too much but i drank a lot of water. i weighed myself this morning though and the scale read 189.6. yay! finally losing some weight! i can tell, based on the general look of my stomach and my upper back/shoulders area. i'm more muscular, which is awesome, and i think that if i add in some cardio, i should really start seeing results. :)
jenny, mickey, and i don't even have our vegas trip really planned yet, but i'm so excited to buy new clothes and stuff. bathing suit shopping should be much more bearable. my outlook is just so much better on these things now. i found a quote while looking online that represents my change in attitude: "you must begin to think of yourself as becoming the person you want to be." - david viscott -

CW: 189.6

thanksgiving

i'm thankful for not gaining any weight during the week, even after having four different thanksgiving meals. i ate moderate amounts of stuff and didn't feel at all like i was depriving myself: a glass and a half of wine one time, a half a piece of my grandma's fabulous peanut butter pie, etc. i know that for me, this is the way to go -- have a little bit so that i don't gorge myself when it catches up to me later.
i'm in pain from working my arms tonight. oh yeah, and the really hot trainer decided to introduce himself to me tonight, when i was looking especially craptastic. another one of the guys introduced himself to me last week, too. i think they're just trying to be nice or whatever, since i'm already training with someone... or maybe it's the way they're trained, to make people feel welcome at the gym... anyway.
i need to do lots more cardio but i get way too exhausted if i try to do it on the same day as weights. this means that i should do weights twice to three times a week and do cardio about three days a week, then have a rest day.

CW: 190.4

steady as she goes

the title reflects the fact that although i haven't lost much weight, there are massive changes going on/in my body. i think that if i step up the cardio, i'll be able to lose weight, but for right now, i'm working on eating healthier and gaining muscle.
i was so tired today that my arms didn't get much of a workout. i'm going to be carrying so much crapola around, trying to prepare for the carpet guys to install new carpet everywhere in the house that i probably need to muster as much strength as i can get... :)
in more positive news though, i caught my derriere in the mirror the day after i worked my legs and glutes and i thought, "hmmmm, looking good!" so terrible but true. and apparently i'm carrying myself differently because people (well, guys) are looking at me too.... like, "looking at me" looking at me... weird. not used to that but it's something i may get more of if i'm losing weight.
i've been weight training three days a week. and until today, when i was out and about without a packed lunch, i had only had one instance of getting fast food within the past two weeks. yay! also, since beginning work at drc, i eat oatmeal every day, along with yogurt and apples. for my drink, instead of super-sugary coffee or hot chocolate, i drink celestial seasonings vanilla maple decaf tea with a little bit of sugar. thinking of switching to caffeinated tea though, since i need a little after staring at the computer all day! :)

CW: 190.0

i want

i want:

• to impress my family, who haven't had much faith in me in the past.
• to impress my relatives during thanksgiving and christmas visits.
• to look hot during my vacation to vegas in the spring.
• to be more energetic, so i can get things done like i used to do.
• to be more confident, so i can do my very best during interviews at schools.
• to be active, just because.
• to fit into a more healthy size of clothing, whatever size that may be for me.
• to do this for me, last but not least. :)
  

yep. that about sums it up.

fluctuations

i'm probably going to take the advice of one of the guys at gold's, in that i shouldn't take too much stock in the scale. yesterday morning i weighed 193 and today i weighed 190.8, which seems to be the number i keep going back to.
i told jenny about joining the gym and she seemed really excited for me. she would like to go but mostly just to tone up. she got excited when i told her about the cardio theater, where they show movies on a huge screen in a darkened room. it would be really nice to have a workout buddy, and we figured that if we biked or walked during a whole movie, we'd burn tons of calories while doing something we'd probably do anyway.
i'm happy to see that after only a week, i can see some changes starting in my body. my quads are hard as rocks like they were when i was dancing. i feel like i'm gaining my muscles back, so hopefully i'm gaining enough muscle to burn off the fat. i feel like it's starting and i'm really pumped. :)

CW: 190.8

sight for sore eyes

well, technically, my eyes are probably the only body part that isn't sore in my body. i've been to the gym five times in the past week. my quads burn each time i try to walk and my abs and arms just feels so tight. it's going to take a couple weeks for me to not feel so sore. i know this. i think i just haven't had the willpower to get through that point on my own before. this time though, it has to be done. i'm kind of thinking that the weight loss that i definitely feel like i can acheive will kind of be a christmas present, not only to myself, but to those around me that want to see me happy and healthy. it's kind of exciting, really. :)

CW: 193 but it's just my body freaking out that i'm working out... and maybe some new muscle weight? :)