Unapologetic Narcissism

While I was in Cincy a few weeks ago, the thought "You have nothing to worry about" popped into my head. And it may sound superficial, but I really don't have anything to worry about. Stating that to myself, and restating it when the negative self-talk commences, is helping me feel better about me. Yes, even at what I believe to be my heaviest weight (no scales yet -- not ready for the quantitative assessment), I'm pretty happy about the way I look.

It's a strange thing, this new-found confidence. I'm usually quite shy... and still am to an extent. I guess I'm just carrying myself better. I'm noticing people looking at me quite a bit more, when I used to just fade into the background. "Seriously, am I wearing 'Love Potion #9' or something?" This is what I asked Mickey this past weekend after a few guys began to show interest in me (one kind of obsessively) at the club. "I want you... no, like, I want you." Really? Eww. Anyway...

Things that have contributed to the confidence boost:

• A newer, redder hair color, along with trying to grow my hair out. Feeling a little like Ariel.... :)
• Dressing to fit my shape and actually caring what I look like when I go out.
• Working out again. I can tell a difference after only working out twice!
• Flashing a friendly smile and being courteous, which is something I always do, but it's emphasized when the other factors are employed as well.
• Paying attention to improving my voice. I feel like I'm getting stronger inside each time I let go and let the song fly on its own. Realizing my own potential?

Speaking of paying attention to my voice... I'm auditioning for "The Voice" next week. They're coming to San Francisco three days before my birthday and I'm not doing anything else job-wise yet. I've been getting a lot of encouragement lately, in terms of my singing, so I really want to pursue the audition. Even if I get rejected, I have to try. I'm nervous right now just thinking about it, but at least now I have some experience singing on-stage, and not just for karaoke. The idea of singing for Christina Aguilera is just beyond me right now, and she won't be at the initial audition, thank goodness... we just won't think about that yet. Wish me luck / break a leg! :)

Being Green

Kermit was right. It's not easy being green... as in it's not easy try to get experience when you don't already have experience. It's the trouble I'm running into recently. So frustrating. If I had the opportunity to teach for a full school-year as the permanent classroom teacher, things might be easier. If I had If I had training in acting, singing, or musical theatre, I might have a better idea of where I was going. If I....

What's that, you say? A private school is looking for a science teacher? A forming cover band is looking to perform 80s hits, specifically New Wave stuff? Emails/resume/mp3s sent. Done and done.

This has been my life recently. I scour the job boards and Craigslist, nearly give up hope, and then an opportunity presents itself. I'm back to where I started when they do not respond to my emails though....

Something will work out. It typically does. I just really need to start helping with the rent because it is exorbitant here.

springtime

from one of my fb statuses this past week: "maybe it's just the renewing spirit of spring, but just the thought of possibly moving is causing me to be more ruthless about what i own."

in the spirit of the renewing energy of spring, i'm deciding to start today on a new eating plan. even without tracking when i stop to get fast food or eat out at restaurants, i know it's too much. i need to save that kind of stuff for special occasions, and stopping at mickey d's because i'm too lazy to fix myself breakfast is definitely NOT a special occasion!

i'm just getting back into zumba after being sick. i didn't go as much as i would have liked the past two weeks because it was the end of the trimester at school, and well, life just kind of got in the way. i'm ready to expend some effort to make some time to go again, because i know i need it and i know how good i feel after i work out.

haven't weighed myself in a little while because i've become kind of disenchanted with the scale. the only time i've seen progress recently was just after i had been sick, and the decrease was most likely due to losing muscle mass while i was sitting on my butt trying to recover. *sigh* i don't get it. so i'll try some new tactics... some tactics that i've been aware of but haven't really stuck with yet.

flu

i feel like i lost this past week due to the flu. i took monday off school because by the time i took a shower and took some multi-symptom cold pills, i wasn't feeling any better. i returned to school on tuesday even though the doctor told me to take another day... i'm still coughing -- a rolling, gross cough that comes from my chest. i hate it and hope it goes away soon, or i'll be contacting the doctor again.

i'm going back to zumba today. scary! after a week off, it's going to be tough to get back into the routine. i just hope i don't have a coughing fit in the middle of the floor. :)

i didn't lose any weight during the time i was sick, but i am losing weight now. i thought ate quite a bit yesterday because i felt insatiable, but i didn't snack late at night, and i drank tea to help my throat instead of other empty calories. hopefully this trend continues.

CW: 191.0

déjà vu

i keep losing the same pound over and over. it's déjà vu in the worst way.

i think i'm going to have to work out more if i want to see results.

n/c

it's been about a month since i've signed up at 'dare to dance' and i've been having a great time, especially at zumba. with the exception of last week, i've attended three zumba classes per week. i've also tried the hip-hop class (attending the workshop in feb. with the girls. fun!) and yoga-lates.

after nearly a month though, i have not lost any weight. it's incredibly frustrating. i can see that my body is changing for the better when i look in the mirror, but it's just not happening fast enough / at a reasonable rate. each time i look in the mirror, especially at the dance studio, it's once again painfully obvious how big i am. i just hate it. but you know what? the scale can 'eat it' for not changing. i'm doing something that's good for me as well as my body, and i'm not stopping, even when there is no change.

what i can modify: (1) not drinking so many empty calories. this doesn't just mean strongbows at the bar, but hot chocolate, tea with honey, and coffee, due to the fact that "i like my sugar with coffee and cream." tea with a tiny bit of honey may be the best option to drink when in need of a warm-drink fix. (2) not indulging quite so much when i'm ravenous. this will entail finding foods that are satisfying, along with not grabbing what's easy to prepare and remembering when i purchase fruits and veggies.

i needed to refresh my wardrobe for spring / just because, so i did just that at ny&c today. i had a coupon in the entertainment book that my mom bought me for $60 off a purchase of $125. i didn't expect to find so much stuff on sale / stuff that fit that i liked, and due to the coupon, i made out like a bandit! three cardigans, seven shirts, a skirt, a pair of khakis, some ballet flats, a bracelet, and some earrings for $211 (reg. price: $411. saved as much as i spent -- w00t!). i'll have to take a picture of my favorite shirt i got today -- a cute, asymetrical black tank with a silver detail on one shoulder. everything i bought is professional/grownup-looking too... something i'm concerned with now that i'm teaching is differentiating myself from my students, because some of the stuff i would wear, they also wear.

anyway, that's enough randomness for one night. thanks for listening and tune in again soon -- hopefully i'll  have some progress to report!

i'm melting!

okay, so the title may be a bit extremist-sounding, but hear me out: when i lose weight, i lose it from the top down, hence the feeling that i feel as if i'm melting... or rather that the weight is melting off of me. it's a little odd, i'll admit it, but it's a perfect description of what's happening though, since i can see some definition in my shoulders again. i'm a bit sore still from working out, but it's still awesome to see positive changes.

it's frustrating that i went through the muscle-building stage this past week, wherein i gained a little weight while my body was figuring out what the frak was happening again... i also went through a day or two when wanted to eat absolutely everything in the house and my hunger could not be satisfied. but i think that phase is ending... at least i hope that phase is ending. i can't handle that kind of hunger again right now! i'm down a few pounds now and am looking better. zumba is going well and i'm hopefully back on the road to being healthy!

today, i spent a bunch of money at kroger, but i got some lean cuisines (butternut squash ravioli is surprisingly delicious! lots of veggies too!), some 'boar's head' ovengold turkey for sandwiches (my fave), and some lowfat yogurt (they have my raspberry wallaby -- yum!). i purchased some stuff for quick breakfasts too, which will prevent me from the one or two times a week that i pick up my breakfast at a drive-thru. i'm definitely going to this kroger from now on --it's open, updated and they have everything organized and grouped logically, unlike the mason-montgomery kroger.

CW: 194.0