Treading Water

Being stressed out is keeping me from exercising. I hate blaming it on something... and I'm really just indirectly still blaming myself for letting it get to me enough to cause the inactivity.... Whatever the cause, it's inexcusable and I keep failing myself.

I still feel like I'm treading water in almost every aspect of my life. And don't even get me started on relationships.... Although just having been at my younger sister's wedding (see photo), I will admit that stuff like that is floating around my mind, but I don't want to think about getting into one right now for fear of pulling that person under with me. I need to get my life together first.

Tomorrow is going to be a pinnacle of sorts. I'm going to talk to the customer support manager to see if it would be possible to get a full-time job at the company. I'm kind of afraid of hearing "No," but I'm not sure if staying in SF is feasible even if they say "Yes." Everyone I've interacted with at the company has been impressed with me and I know I could do a good job with a customer support position. 

I'm ready for something stable, not so transient -- so tired of living in ambiguity, not knowing what's next. I'm still not sure what situation would be better though: Stay in a wonderful city and build a new life here, or go back to Cincy, and regroup once I've dug myself out of this financial hole I'm in. Inevitably, I would be living a bit spartan for a bit out here, but I don't think it would be impossible. Even with all the awesome people I've met out here, I'm not sure if SF is where I eventually want to be. (See, it's funny: I talk about not wanting to be so transient, but I actually love traveling. I don't think I've seen enough places to know where I want to be yet... if that makes sense.)

Exercise-wise, I'm going to do some Zumba tonight. Gotta start somewhere. Maybe it'll help me clear my head. I'll let you know how it goes. :)

Doing All I Can Do

I had an interview this morning with a hotel near Union Square. I really liked the ambiance, the staff, the location, etc., and they seemed to like me too, so maybe I'll hear back from them soon. The girl I interviewed with today said she'd like me to meet with the GM either tomorrow or when I return from my sister's wedding (!) Monday afternoon. Although the shifts are variable, it's a guaranteed forty hours a week. I've got some other things in the pipeline too, so I'm just hoping something will come through. 

If this happens to not come to fruition, I just have to face the fact that this wasn't meant to be. I have been trying much harder recently, and at least I know that I've done all I could if I have to throw in the towel now. It's not what I want though. Starting back in Cincy would be like starting back at Square One. 

I've been so down-and-out recently. I hate that I've become an even greater liability to those close to me. I know what I need to do, but sometimes, I'll just be sitting there and I won't know what to do with myself. I become frozen/numb at a certain point due to stress. I also succumb to what I call "the ostrich effect," where I hide my head in the sand and pretend issues aren't there... it's never intentional, but by the time I realize I'm doing it, some degree of damage has already been done. I have trouble opening up to people... and I know it's funny for me to state that on my pretty-much-public blog, but it's true. I'm okay till someone asks me if I'm okay... and then I crumble. And it's kind of silly but... I miss Alfie so much it hurts. It's like being without my kid... and I know he's having fun playing with/terrorizing Skye at my parents' house, but for selfish reasons, the past couple months would have been a good time to have a cuddle bug beside me.... 

Needless to say, even though I recently recommitted to get healthy, the weight stuff is going to have to wait. I have other things to worry about... like not moving all my crap back across the country. I'm going to keep doing everything I feasibly can to stay out here.

Failing Miserably

I might have to move back to Cincinnati. For lack of better terms, I dilly-dallied around for a bit too long and it's costing me in more ways than one. I wanted to pursue teaching when I got out here, not knowing that June was a little too late to start looking. I wanted to pursue music a bit too, so I focused some energy on that. I didn't spend time thinking about jobs like Starbucks, because I knew they wouldn't get me anywhere near half of the $3000/month rent check I need to split. There seemed to be quite a few good, well-paying opportunities out there, but no one thinks I'm the right one to fill their vacancy. I'm sending out tons of resumes and not getting any calls back. It's the biggest test of my life and I'm failing miserably.

I'm going to try to get something to tide me over for now and get the momentum going. I need something and OfficeTeam sure isn't helping very much.... 

After recommitting myself to being healthy, I really didn't do too much in the latter half of the week to constitute being healthy. It's difficult though to think about bettering yourself when you're this stressed and are mentally beaten down....

CW: 195.8

Baseline

It's said that a true lady never reveals her weight, along with age. Well, I like to take common ideas of what women 'should be like' and shove it back in their freakin' faces.

To be totally and completely honest and accountable to myself and anyone willing to assist me, it needs to be revealed. So here it is: 196.8 lbs. That wasn't so hard was it? :) To know where I'm going, I need to know where I'm starting. I have a baseline now.

I tried the gym within our complex the past two days, and I will continue to use my three-day trial that will technically last for four days, thanks to the cool account rep. Tried Zumba on Sunday and Pilates yesterday. I wasn't really a big fan of the instructors (totally missing Chrissy from 'Dare to Dance' in Cincy), and the facilities are not quite nice enough, even for the 'low' resident price of $62/month... (I'm not making any money right now. That price is just not feasible.) I did however get a good workout both times, and it hurts when I try to engage my abs today... in a good way. :) Hitting up the spa and sauna in a bit to relax my muscles.

My plan: I have a bunch of DVDs, and now we have some room in our main room for working out. Mickey has free guest privileges at her gym, and even though it's pared down, it's inexpensive. I think I'll be okay w/o a gym membership of my own, I just have to switch it up enough so that I don't fall out of the routine. I think doing something everyday will be good too. If I only do a five-days-a-week thing, I can see myself getting sidetracked and procrastinating past workouts.

CW: 196.8 (showing that I have lost a bit since I hit my heaviest weight a few weeks ago)

Reassessment

I'm starting on my weight loss journey... again. After taking one step forward, then eventually taking two steps back (again), I weight more than I ever have. I crossed the threshold of 200 lbs, something I promised myself I never wanted to see on the scale. But it happened, so I need to deal with the fallout.

Ultimately, I honestly like the general shape of my body, the fact that I'm curvy. I don't want to lose my curves through weight-loss and I don't intend to lose enough weight to do that. I do need to work out though, and if it's going to be anything to speak about, exercise will need to be on the schedule almost every day. There's just no getting around that. If I'm going to lose weight, I'm not going to be able to get stuff like Popeye's at all, until I get to a certain point where I would only eat it on rare occasions. It's all about regaining control and letting myself know that I need to take the time to cook for myself... and cook good things.

Recently, I've received a lot of attention on the streets, due to the fact that I have pretty pronounced hips, booty, and bust... I  decided that I almost look like a caricature of a female, everything is so exaggerated. This is both good and bad... it's fun/funny sometimes, because the guys are incredibly brazen... and in a way it begins to make up for the teasing I experienced when I was younger... but I feel like I get attention from guys who see my womanly form and only think one thing. I don't know though... maybe I'm looking too far into it, but I don't think people see "me" when they look at me. I'm not sure if it's sizeism at play, but I'm looked at differently and it's apparent to me. It's a Catch-22 that doesn't help my confidence.

My stumbling blocks:

• Getting so hungry that by the point I need food, I ravenously pursue whatever I'm currently craving... Needless to say, it's not a salad or chicken breast + veggies....
• The frustration of wanting to run or work harder while at the gym, but being hindered by the pain/limited range of motion in my feet/ankles. I found some good machines that don't create so much impact on the joints, and I'm thinking that as I lose weight, my ankles won't complain as much about the running, due to a decrease in the pounds of pressure placed on them. I can hope, at least!
• Moving past the lethargy of inactivity and getting into the momentum and inertia of having a fitness and nutrition plan. It's all about just putting my sneakers on and doing it, but some days it's so difficult.
• Feeling like I'm being watched while working out. I know this is just an example of "spotlight effect" at work, where people probably only pay half as much attention to me as I think they are... and they're probably not looking at me thinking, "God, what a fat a**," but that's what I have to fight in my head.

So now that I know what I'm up against, I can work to change it, right? If you made it to the end of this, you deserve an award ( I neglect to say "a brownie," because well, that's a slippery slope... lol). I need your help though. Any words of encouragement or tactful advice are greatly appreciated, and I thank you in advance. And if you've ever been through this, understand what I'm up against and how this won't be easy.

Here I go. Join me again on my journey? :)

Unapologetic Narcissism

While I was in Cincy a few weeks ago, the thought "You have nothing to worry about" popped into my head. And it may sound superficial, but I really don't have anything to worry about. Stating that to myself, and restating it when the negative self-talk commences, is helping me feel better about me. Yes, even at what I believe to be my heaviest weight (no scales yet -- not ready for the quantitative assessment), I'm pretty happy about the way I look.

It's a strange thing, this new-found confidence. I'm usually quite shy... and still am to an extent. I guess I'm just carrying myself better. I'm noticing people looking at me quite a bit more, when I used to just fade into the background. "Seriously, am I wearing 'Love Potion #9' or something?" This is what I asked Mickey this past weekend after a few guys began to show interest in me (one kind of obsessively) at the club. "I want you... no, like, I want you." Really? Eww. Anyway...

Things that have contributed to the confidence boost:

• A newer, redder hair color, along with trying to grow my hair out. Feeling a little like Ariel.... :)
• Dressing to fit my shape and actually caring what I look like when I go out.
• Working out again. I can tell a difference after only working out twice!
• Flashing a friendly smile and being courteous, which is something I always do, but it's emphasized when the other factors are employed as well.
• Paying attention to improving my voice. I feel like I'm getting stronger inside each time I let go and let the song fly on its own. Realizing my own potential?

Speaking of paying attention to my voice... I'm auditioning for "The Voice" next week. They're coming to San Francisco three days before my birthday and I'm not doing anything else job-wise yet. I've been getting a lot of encouragement lately, in terms of my singing, so I really want to pursue the audition. Even if I get rejected, I have to try. I'm nervous right now just thinking about it, but at least now I have some experience singing on-stage, and not just for karaoke. The idea of singing for Christina Aguilera is just beyond me right now, and she won't be at the initial audition, thank goodness... we just won't think about that yet. Wish me luck / break a leg! :)

Being Green

Kermit was right. It's not easy being green... as in it's not easy try to get experience when you don't already have experience. It's the trouble I'm running into recently. So frustrating. If I had the opportunity to teach for a full school-year as the permanent classroom teacher, things might be easier. If I had If I had training in acting, singing, or musical theatre, I might have a better idea of where I was going. If I....

What's that, you say? A private school is looking for a science teacher? A forming cover band is looking to perform 80s hits, specifically New Wave stuff? Emails/resume/mp3s sent. Done and done.

This has been my life recently. I scour the job boards and Craigslist, nearly give up hope, and then an opportunity presents itself. I'm back to where I started when they do not respond to my emails though....

Something will work out. It typically does. I just really need to start helping with the rent because it is exorbitant here.