Let's take it from the top!

Weighed myself yesterday and really didn't like the number I saw. I'm still above 200... just barely, but just enough. I'm so frustrated that I keep falling into bad habits and it's interesting how much I can sabotage myself knowing how much I'd like to be both healthier and lighter.

From here on out, aside from the two bottles of adult beverages I purchased a couple nights ago, I'm going to have to chill out on the alcohol. If I consume like I have been (when out at karaoke events twice a week), I'm setting myself to gain weight, not even stay at a constant weight. Needless to say, that's not cool. Also not cool is being 'the water girl' for a little bit, though if it'll help me reach my goal it's quite necessary.

So once again, I'm taking it from the top. Everything is settled in Cincy again, so I'm using it as a chance to reevaluate pretty much everything in my life and tidy things up. Incredibly vague, I know... I just feel like good things are on the horizon, but I need to make some positive changes in my life first.

In Transit

I'm going back to Ohio, and I'm OK with it. It's smarter in the long run if I can't find anything out here. I'm not becoming one of San Francisco's homeless just so I can stay out here! I know it's nothing to joke about, but that's how I get through this stuff -- joking around a bit.

I listed my large pieces of furniture on Craigslist with the note that buyers need to pick the furniture up. It's sad to have to sell all the stuff, once you finally have all the core pieces you've been trying to systematically acquire. At least I know what I like, and where to find it again, if necessary. Gotta look at the positives.

If possible, I'd like to take the opportunity to make my roadtrip back to Ohio another adventure of seeing things (on the way-ish) that I've never seen before. I've been as far away from LA as Cincy is from Chicago for the past five months, and I haven't been down there yet. On my route home, LA is an hour or so away (probably more with traffic though, I know, I know), and I can't NOT go. It's right there. :) I'm also planning on driving through Memphis. Just another place I haven't been, and I love seeing new things.

As I've said before, you don't get an idea of the gravity and the magnitude of a place until you're there. You hear about the Grand Canyon growing up -- it ranges from 4 to 18  miles wide, can be over a mile deep, and is 277 miles long. Indubitably, the photos are amazingly gorgeous. It's not until you stand in that particular spot, and think about the first people who lived in that area as well as all the people that have been there before you, that you feel the history and wonder and awe that is the canyon. For a science geek like me, thinking about the amount of time that has passed since the canyon began forming and all of the rock layers it has eroded through is fascinating.

Getting back to the post title, I'm in transit again. I'm still under the guidance of the phrase 'everything happens for a reason.' I've learned so much... and even when I've learned what not to do, like I tend to do so often, it's helpful for the future.

Where do I go from here? No idea. I'm looking in many different fields for a position. I know that whatever I do, I'm going to do an amazing job, due to all of the skills I've built thus far. The most important part is that I'm learning to be a good salesperson for myself, because I'm finally realizing all the wonderful things I have to offer. I feel like maybe I've kept myself from doing well in the past because I sold myself short. No more. Someone needs to hire me, nay, someone WILL hire me, because I'm awesome. ;)

Treading Water

Being stressed out is keeping me from exercising. I hate blaming it on something... and I'm really just indirectly still blaming myself for letting it get to me enough to cause the inactivity.... Whatever the cause, it's inexcusable and I keep failing myself.

I still feel like I'm treading water in almost every aspect of my life. And don't even get me started on relationships.... Although just having been at my younger sister's wedding (see photo), I will admit that stuff like that is floating around my mind, but I don't want to think about getting into one right now for fear of pulling that person under with me. I need to get my life together first.

Tomorrow is going to be a pinnacle of sorts. I'm going to talk to the customer support manager to see if it would be possible to get a full-time job at the company. I'm kind of afraid of hearing "No," but I'm not sure if staying in SF is feasible even if they say "Yes." Everyone I've interacted with at the company has been impressed with me and I know I could do a good job with a customer support position. 

I'm ready for something stable, not so transient -- so tired of living in ambiguity, not knowing what's next. I'm still not sure what situation would be better though: Stay in a wonderful city and build a new life here, or go back to Cincy, and regroup once I've dug myself out of this financial hole I'm in. Inevitably, I would be living a bit spartan for a bit out here, but I don't think it would be impossible. Even with all the awesome people I've met out here, I'm not sure if SF is where I eventually want to be. (See, it's funny: I talk about not wanting to be so transient, but I actually love traveling. I don't think I've seen enough places to know where I want to be yet... if that makes sense.)

Exercise-wise, I'm going to do some Zumba tonight. Gotta start somewhere. Maybe it'll help me clear my head. I'll let you know how it goes. :)

Doing All I Can Do

I had an interview this morning with a hotel near Union Square. I really liked the ambiance, the staff, the location, etc., and they seemed to like me too, so maybe I'll hear back from them soon. The girl I interviewed with today said she'd like me to meet with the GM either tomorrow or when I return from my sister's wedding (!) Monday afternoon. Although the shifts are variable, it's a guaranteed forty hours a week. I've got some other things in the pipeline too, so I'm just hoping something will come through. 

If this happens to not come to fruition, I just have to face the fact that this wasn't meant to be. I have been trying much harder recently, and at least I know that I've done all I could if I have to throw in the towel now. It's not what I want though. Starting back in Cincy would be like starting back at Square One. 

I've been so down-and-out recently. I hate that I've become an even greater liability to those close to me. I know what I need to do, but sometimes, I'll just be sitting there and I won't know what to do with myself. I become frozen/numb at a certain point due to stress. I also succumb to what I call "the ostrich effect," where I hide my head in the sand and pretend issues aren't there... it's never intentional, but by the time I realize I'm doing it, some degree of damage has already been done. I have trouble opening up to people... and I know it's funny for me to state that on my pretty-much-public blog, but it's true. I'm okay till someone asks me if I'm okay... and then I crumble. And it's kind of silly but... I miss Alfie so much it hurts. It's like being without my kid... and I know he's having fun playing with/terrorizing Skye at my parents' house, but for selfish reasons, the past couple months would have been a good time to have a cuddle bug beside me.... 

Needless to say, even though I recently recommitted to get healthy, the weight stuff is going to have to wait. I have other things to worry about... like not moving all my crap back across the country. I'm going to keep doing everything I feasibly can to stay out here.

Failing Miserably

I might have to move back to Cincinnati. For lack of better terms, I dilly-dallied around for a bit too long and it's costing me in more ways than one. I wanted to pursue teaching when I got out here, not knowing that June was a little too late to start looking. I wanted to pursue music a bit too, so I focused some energy on that. I didn't spend time thinking about jobs like Starbucks, because I knew they wouldn't get me anywhere near half of the $3000/month rent check I need to split. There seemed to be quite a few good, well-paying opportunities out there, but no one thinks I'm the right one to fill their vacancy. I'm sending out tons of resumes and not getting any calls back. It's the biggest test of my life and I'm failing miserably.

I'm going to try to get something to tide me over for now and get the momentum going. I need something and OfficeTeam sure isn't helping very much.... 

After recommitting myself to being healthy, I really didn't do too much in the latter half of the week to constitute being healthy. It's difficult though to think about bettering yourself when you're this stressed and are mentally beaten down....

CW: 195.8

Baseline

It's said that a true lady never reveals her weight, along with age. Well, I like to take common ideas of what women 'should be like' and shove it back in their freakin' faces.

To be totally and completely honest and accountable to myself and anyone willing to assist me, it needs to be revealed. So here it is: 196.8 lbs. That wasn't so hard was it? :) To know where I'm going, I need to know where I'm starting. I have a baseline now.

I tried the gym within our complex the past two days, and I will continue to use my three-day trial that will technically last for four days, thanks to the cool account rep. Tried Zumba on Sunday and Pilates yesterday. I wasn't really a big fan of the instructors (totally missing Chrissy from 'Dare to Dance' in Cincy), and the facilities are not quite nice enough, even for the 'low' resident price of $62/month... (I'm not making any money right now. That price is just not feasible.) I did however get a good workout both times, and it hurts when I try to engage my abs today... in a good way. :) Hitting up the spa and sauna in a bit to relax my muscles.

My plan: I have a bunch of DVDs, and now we have some room in our main room for working out. Mickey has free guest privileges at her gym, and even though it's pared down, it's inexpensive. I think I'll be okay w/o a gym membership of my own, I just have to switch it up enough so that I don't fall out of the routine. I think doing something everyday will be good too. If I only do a five-days-a-week thing, I can see myself getting sidetracked and procrastinating past workouts.

CW: 196.8 (showing that I have lost a bit since I hit my heaviest weight a few weeks ago)

Reassessment

I'm starting on my weight loss journey... again. After taking one step forward, then eventually taking two steps back (again), I weight more than I ever have. I crossed the threshold of 200 lbs, something I promised myself I never wanted to see on the scale. But it happened, so I need to deal with the fallout.

Ultimately, I honestly like the general shape of my body, the fact that I'm curvy. I don't want to lose my curves through weight-loss and I don't intend to lose enough weight to do that. I do need to work out though, and if it's going to be anything to speak about, exercise will need to be on the schedule almost every day. There's just no getting around that. If I'm going to lose weight, I'm not going to be able to get stuff like Popeye's at all, until I get to a certain point where I would only eat it on rare occasions. It's all about regaining control and letting myself know that I need to take the time to cook for myself... and cook good things.

Recently, I've received a lot of attention on the streets, due to the fact that I have pretty pronounced hips, booty, and bust... I  decided that I almost look like a caricature of a female, everything is so exaggerated. This is both good and bad... it's fun/funny sometimes, because the guys are incredibly brazen... and in a way it begins to make up for the teasing I experienced when I was younger... but I feel like I get attention from guys who see my womanly form and only think one thing. I don't know though... maybe I'm looking too far into it, but I don't think people see "me" when they look at me. I'm not sure if it's sizeism at play, but I'm looked at differently and it's apparent to me. It's a Catch-22 that doesn't help my confidence.

My stumbling blocks:

• Getting so hungry that by the point I need food, I ravenously pursue whatever I'm currently craving... Needless to say, it's not a salad or chicken breast + veggies....
• The frustration of wanting to run or work harder while at the gym, but being hindered by the pain/limited range of motion in my feet/ankles. I found some good machines that don't create so much impact on the joints, and I'm thinking that as I lose weight, my ankles won't complain as much about the running, due to a decrease in the pounds of pressure placed on them. I can hope, at least!
• Moving past the lethargy of inactivity and getting into the momentum and inertia of having a fitness and nutrition plan. It's all about just putting my sneakers on and doing it, but some days it's so difficult.
• Feeling like I'm being watched while working out. I know this is just an example of "spotlight effect" at work, where people probably only pay half as much attention to me as I think they are... and they're probably not looking at me thinking, "God, what a fat a**," but that's what I have to fight in my head.

So now that I know what I'm up against, I can work to change it, right? If you made it to the end of this, you deserve an award ( I neglect to say "a brownie," because well, that's a slippery slope... lol). I need your help though. Any words of encouragement or tactful advice are greatly appreciated, and I thank you in advance. And if you've ever been through this, understand what I'm up against and how this won't be easy.

Here I go. Join me again on my journey? :)