Reset

Life gets in the way. For me recently, even with the purest intentions and motivation, life has stressed the heck out of me and has decided to fly by  me at light-speed (ludicrous speed?). This always results in not enough trips to the gym and an unhappy (and still overweight) me. I get into trouble when I go out to try to let off some steam, when 'enjoying myself' leads to a drink or two. It's a ton of calories and I'm fully aware of it, but yet I still indulge myself. Do I deserve it? I definitely deserve to be less stressed, but I really don't think it helps in the long run. It's just as easy for me to go without drinking though, and I have. It's just more likely that I'll have a few after a particularly long day.

I'm setting specific goals this time. I'm hitting the gym three times a week, minimum. I'll work on resistance training on all three days, and one of the days will always be Saturday, so that I can attend the morning Zumba class. If I get there more often, then that's awesome, but I must hit three days/week. I've been eating Lean Cuisines for lunch and have been avoiding fast food for the past week, so that's a good start. I really don't want to have to start counting calories, but if I don't see any progress in the next week or two, I will start. I will strive to be 175 lbs (~30 lbs) by my birthday, August 26th.

Now that this band thing is rolling, I need to be in top form to be able to perform. I think I mentioned this before, but I don't feel like my lung capacity is where it once was. Hopefully I will gain some of that back with a little cardio and some weight loss. Just for image's sake too, I'd love to drop a few pounds, but I'm definitely focusing on health and gaining muscle.

I'll be starting up the video blog soon too. Would like to see some visible changes through that medium.

CW: 205.6 (Ugh.)

Who I Am Right Now

I'm still searching for a job. I'm subbing again, though it's neither dependable or ultimately desirable. By default, the nature of the employment I've been seeking is temporary, and it means that I'll be searching once again after the current assignment is over. Rinse and repeat ad infinitum. I'm so ready for things to not be so temporary in many aspects of my life. Housing, the employment situation... even relationships if I meet the right person. 

I've been trying to get some health concerns under control, and it's been expensive and hasn't led me very far. Part of this is due to the fact that I went to a low-cost health clinic where no one is an endocrinologist looking to find a viable treatment. I'm within the normal range of test results, even though I'm still experiencing symptoms, so they're done with me. It sucks to not be taken seriously... and not feel like a health care provider is being an advocate for you. I also have some concerns about several 'moles'... though I was told by a dermatologist that they would cost $200-300 each to remove. Yikes!

I've been exercising and eating better,  but I'm not showing too much progress scale-wise. I'm 'rearranging' things though, as my mom says -- apparently I'm not jiggling as much when we walk the dogs. (Yay, for those squats in Zumba!) She had told me a few months ago that I'd look good if I could get lipo on my thighs... and you wonder why I have a complex about this stuff.... *rolls eyes*

I'm not "giving in" to any of these issues, but it seems like the old adage of "the more things change, the more they stay the same" is more true than I'd like to admit. Trying to change said things is infinitely exhausting when everything is an uphill battle. I'm so tired of spinning my wheels.

To end this on a positive note, I've joined a band. I know that to any normal adult, that's pretty much like saying, "I joined the circus," but I'm excited about the prospects it may bring. We don't have a name yet, and we're still wanting to get some practice sessions under our belts before we gig, but the guys have a decent amount of experience... and they happened to want me, someone with only some stage and karaoke experience, which was amazing. :D

Lately, I haven't been able to ignore the power that my voice has... a power I'm still just learning to be confident enough to use. I've mesmerized crowds recently with Mariah, Whitney, that one Sinead O'Connor song, and U2's 'With or Without You.' It's pretty amazing and I'm always humbled when I can tell I've struck a chord with the audience. If it's the one thing that I have going for me right now, I'm just going to run with it. :)

Let's take it from the top!

Weighed myself yesterday and really didn't like the number I saw. I'm still above 200... just barely, but just enough. I'm so frustrated that I keep falling into bad habits and it's interesting how much I can sabotage myself knowing how much I'd like to be both healthier and lighter.

From here on out, aside from the two bottles of adult beverages I purchased a couple nights ago, I'm going to have to chill out on the alcohol. If I consume like I have been (when out at karaoke events twice a week), I'm setting myself to gain weight, not even stay at a constant weight. Needless to say, that's not cool. Also not cool is being 'the water girl' for a little bit, though if it'll help me reach my goal it's quite necessary.

So once again, I'm taking it from the top. Everything is settled in Cincy again, so I'm using it as a chance to reevaluate pretty much everything in my life and tidy things up. Incredibly vague, I know... I just feel like good things are on the horizon, but I need to make some positive changes in my life first.

In Transit

I'm going back to Ohio, and I'm OK with it. It's smarter in the long run if I can't find anything out here. I'm not becoming one of San Francisco's homeless just so I can stay out here! I know it's nothing to joke about, but that's how I get through this stuff -- joking around a bit.

I listed my large pieces of furniture on Craigslist with the note that buyers need to pick the furniture up. It's sad to have to sell all the stuff, once you finally have all the core pieces you've been trying to systematically acquire. At least I know what I like, and where to find it again, if necessary. Gotta look at the positives.

If possible, I'd like to take the opportunity to make my roadtrip back to Ohio another adventure of seeing things (on the way-ish) that I've never seen before. I've been as far away from LA as Cincy is from Chicago for the past five months, and I haven't been down there yet. On my route home, LA is an hour or so away (probably more with traffic though, I know, I know), and I can't NOT go. It's right there. :) I'm also planning on driving through Memphis. Just another place I haven't been, and I love seeing new things.

As I've said before, you don't get an idea of the gravity and the magnitude of a place until you're there. You hear about the Grand Canyon growing up -- it ranges from 4 to 18  miles wide, can be over a mile deep, and is 277 miles long. Indubitably, the photos are amazingly gorgeous. It's not until you stand in that particular spot, and think about the first people who lived in that area as well as all the people that have been there before you, that you feel the history and wonder and awe that is the canyon. For a science geek like me, thinking about the amount of time that has passed since the canyon began forming and all of the rock layers it has eroded through is fascinating.

Getting back to the post title, I'm in transit again. I'm still under the guidance of the phrase 'everything happens for a reason.' I've learned so much... and even when I've learned what not to do, like I tend to do so often, it's helpful for the future.

Where do I go from here? No idea. I'm looking in many different fields for a position. I know that whatever I do, I'm going to do an amazing job, due to all of the skills I've built thus far. The most important part is that I'm learning to be a good salesperson for myself, because I'm finally realizing all the wonderful things I have to offer. I feel like maybe I've kept myself from doing well in the past because I sold myself short. No more. Someone needs to hire me, nay, someone WILL hire me, because I'm awesome. ;)

Treading Water

Being stressed out is keeping me from exercising. I hate blaming it on something... and I'm really just indirectly still blaming myself for letting it get to me enough to cause the inactivity.... Whatever the cause, it's inexcusable and I keep failing myself.

I still feel like I'm treading water in almost every aspect of my life. And don't even get me started on relationships.... Although just having been at my younger sister's wedding (see photo), I will admit that stuff like that is floating around my mind, but I don't want to think about getting into one right now for fear of pulling that person under with me. I need to get my life together first.

Tomorrow is going to be a pinnacle of sorts. I'm going to talk to the customer support manager to see if it would be possible to get a full-time job at the company. I'm kind of afraid of hearing "No," but I'm not sure if staying in SF is feasible even if they say "Yes." Everyone I've interacted with at the company has been impressed with me and I know I could do a good job with a customer support position. 

I'm ready for something stable, not so transient -- so tired of living in ambiguity, not knowing what's next. I'm still not sure what situation would be better though: Stay in a wonderful city and build a new life here, or go back to Cincy, and regroup once I've dug myself out of this financial hole I'm in. Inevitably, I would be living a bit spartan for a bit out here, but I don't think it would be impossible. Even with all the awesome people I've met out here, I'm not sure if SF is where I eventually want to be. (See, it's funny: I talk about not wanting to be so transient, but I actually love traveling. I don't think I've seen enough places to know where I want to be yet... if that makes sense.)

Exercise-wise, I'm going to do some Zumba tonight. Gotta start somewhere. Maybe it'll help me clear my head. I'll let you know how it goes. :)

Doing All I Can Do

I had an interview this morning with a hotel near Union Square. I really liked the ambiance, the staff, the location, etc., and they seemed to like me too, so maybe I'll hear back from them soon. The girl I interviewed with today said she'd like me to meet with the GM either tomorrow or when I return from my sister's wedding (!) Monday afternoon. Although the shifts are variable, it's a guaranteed forty hours a week. I've got some other things in the pipeline too, so I'm just hoping something will come through. 

If this happens to not come to fruition, I just have to face the fact that this wasn't meant to be. I have been trying much harder recently, and at least I know that I've done all I could if I have to throw in the towel now. It's not what I want though. Starting back in Cincy would be like starting back at Square One. 

I've been so down-and-out recently. I hate that I've become an even greater liability to those close to me. I know what I need to do, but sometimes, I'll just be sitting there and I won't know what to do with myself. I become frozen/numb at a certain point due to stress. I also succumb to what I call "the ostrich effect," where I hide my head in the sand and pretend issues aren't there... it's never intentional, but by the time I realize I'm doing it, some degree of damage has already been done. I have trouble opening up to people... and I know it's funny for me to state that on my pretty-much-public blog, but it's true. I'm okay till someone asks me if I'm okay... and then I crumble. And it's kind of silly but... I miss Alfie so much it hurts. It's like being without my kid... and I know he's having fun playing with/terrorizing Skye at my parents' house, but for selfish reasons, the past couple months would have been a good time to have a cuddle bug beside me.... 

Needless to say, even though I recently recommitted to get healthy, the weight stuff is going to have to wait. I have other things to worry about... like not moving all my crap back across the country. I'm going to keep doing everything I feasibly can to stay out here.

Failing Miserably

I might have to move back to Cincinnati. For lack of better terms, I dilly-dallied around for a bit too long and it's costing me in more ways than one. I wanted to pursue teaching when I got out here, not knowing that June was a little too late to start looking. I wanted to pursue music a bit too, so I focused some energy on that. I didn't spend time thinking about jobs like Starbucks, because I knew they wouldn't get me anywhere near half of the $3000/month rent check I need to split. There seemed to be quite a few good, well-paying opportunities out there, but no one thinks I'm the right one to fill their vacancy. I'm sending out tons of resumes and not getting any calls back. It's the biggest test of my life and I'm failing miserably.

I'm going to try to get something to tide me over for now and get the momentum going. I need something and OfficeTeam sure isn't helping very much.... 

After recommitting myself to being healthy, I really didn't do too much in the latter half of the week to constitute being healthy. It's difficult though to think about bettering yourself when you're this stressed and are mentally beaten down....

CW: 195.8